It would be easier

Snoman · ‎07-08-2014

I have been pretty good, until a few days ago. I have been fighting the beast almost constantly and getting tired of it. I want to curl into a little ball under the doona. I know I can't give in to it, or I will slip back into the hole.

I am a nerdy type, so I have been researching into the effects of depression on the brain. If you don't want to read too much sciency stuff, skip the next three paragraphs.

I learned a few months ago about the impact on the hippocampus which is believed to play a role in memory and concentration. I noticed that in me, my memory got severely impacted, as did my ability to concentrate. I started to do mental exercises to improve memory and concentration. I think this helped.

Recently I learned of some research that suggests that AD's don't help by elevating low chemicals like serotonin, but they help by starting to repair the hippocampus. This is good news. Research into repairing the damaged brain function is welcome.

I also learned that when we "ruminate" on our low moods, we make it harder for the hippocampus to repair itself.

This knowledge is making me determined to:

Continue exercising my brain to help it repair
Avoid "wallowing" at all costs.

The problem I have at the moment is that last one. I have so much to do (not really, but beyond what I feel capable of right now). I am currently trying to apply for jobs, go house hunting, work on a project I have been contracted to do and be the stay at home dad. This with significant financial pressures. I am finding it so hard to get done what I need to, and I think I am wearing my happy mask again for my wife's sake (and mine).

Just needed to vent.

Thanks.

Sno

AGrace · ‎07-08-2014

Hi Snoman,

The forums are a great place to vent, share, and think out loud. So I'm glad you're comfortable to do so.

Your research is rather interesting. There certainly are biological and environmental factors that affect our mental health. Sometimes it's nice to know the biological factors so that we feel we have and "actual" reason for why we feel the way we do. As you may already know housed in the hippocampus is the amygdala (responsible for fight, flight, or freeze response) in people with mental illness the amygdala fires more frequently which is why we get responses to unrealistic threats. Sadly this system can't tell the difference between real or imaginary threats.

Regarding all you have to do, it can be difficult to think rationally when our mood is low. You are probably going to get more results if you focus on one thing at a time. It might help you to decide which is the highest priority and start there. Getting all these things sorted at once would even be a challenge for a person not suffering depression.

Hope that your mood starts to lift. It probably will as you start to accomplish some small things at a time. You're right, it's easier to give in, but it sounds like you're prepared to keep fighting which is great. Hang in there, and vent as much as you like:)

AGrace

BeeGee · ‎07-08-2014

Hi Sno,

Hey - fellow nerd! High five. As the old maxim says, scientia est potestas - "knowledge is power". The more you know about your condition the better equipped you are to deal with it, so good for you. Your positive, can-do attitude will stand you in great stead for making real progress.

It sounds to me like you are a pretty awesome guy, keeping so many balls in the air at once - even with depression snapping at your heels. I know we usually dismiss anything positive people say to/about us (I know I do, I'm trying to stop that) - so please take me seriously when I say that that is a mighty fine accomplishment right there and it's good for you to recognise that.

I appreciate what you say about not wallowing, and that's true. We shouldn't get stuck in the past. On the other hand, I'm finding that there are lessons to be learnt from the past that can help me here and now. Some guided backwards glances aren't necessarily all bad, if we can learn from them and not get stuck there; my psychologist is giving me some tremendous help with this atm. If you're able to find the time (and if you haven't already done this) consider seeing your GP to get a mental health plan to give you 10 medicare-funded sessions with a psychologist. Given that you're already using ADs you've probably already done this, but I just thought I'd mention it in case you weren't aware of it.

I SO relate to the "happy mask". I've worn it for decades, so much so that I'm not really sure who the real me is anymore. That's a tough one, and a question I'm still trying to figure out the answer to. I presume your wife knows about your depression? Hopefully she is able to be supportive if you take that mask off and just be real at home. It really is a relief to stop acting for a while, even if you have to do it again when you leave the house.

CMF · ‎07-08-2014

Hi everyone,

I wallow. I've been wallowing over the same thing for 5 years. I can't move past it.

I ruminate, it drives me insane. I wish it would stop.

I wear a happy mask, but I was told that my depressive state is the fake one, by the person who caused the situation I am wallowing about.

I just know I'm really tired. it's funny how the people who should know you best understand you the least.

HelenM · ‎07-08-2014

Hi,

From what you're saying you're not wallowing or ruminating unless you mean that you're continually trying to work out how to get everything done.

When I give into my negative thoughts they go round and round. I say, God I was miserable today. Why am I always so unhappy? I shouldn't be - I've got loads of good things so why can't I be well? That's all I want - to be well enough to visit my Mum. What if I'm never well enough to visit Mum again. She could die in the next couple of years. That's awful. Why can't I feel good again? On and on it goes. I have to distract myself by going out. When we ruminate we're desperately trying to solve an problem that cannot be solved. I try to accept that there's no solution.

I can't make myself think positively. But if you can't think cognitively then by acting cognitively you're doing the best you can.

Helen

CMF · ‎08-08-2014

Yes, I go out everyday to try and keep my mind off things. I'm wallowing in sadness over events that ocurred years ago, I'm ruminating because I go over them and over them in my mind trying to work out why, why, why?

Today I changed my routine. I went to a different place at a different time to what I normally would. I walked a little. I enjoyed it but unfortunately had to come back home. I'm happy that the change in routine was enjoyable even though I still feel the same.

Snoman · ‎11-08-2014

Thank you all for your responses.

I read everything you guys posted when you did. I just either wasn't quite in the right frame to respond, or rather busy with wrangling the kids.

It was a challenging period. So many negative thoughts trying to push me into the black hole. I felt I was constantly struggling to push them away. If I could just not fall down the hole for long enough, then perhaps I would slowly get off the edge and find my balance.

I was just tired of the fight. So I started this thread. That seemed to help give me some respite from my constantly flailing arms trying to catch my balance. Reading your replies gave me a little nudge away from the edge. It was enough. Thank you.

The last few days have been 'normal'. I put that in quotes because I mean the old normal, not the new normal. I haven't been fighting bad thoughts. They just haven't been there.

Imagine that.

BeeGee · ‎14-08-2014

Wow, great work Snoman. I'm glad you found the support here helpful. Being able to pull back from the edge of that pit is an awesome accomplishment, and it's great to hear your thought life is under a bit more control now.

Although the old normal might not be the best place it sure sounds better than where you were. Hopefully as you continue working towards a new normal you are able to skirt around that particular pit next time - recognising when you are starting to approach it is probably pretty key to avoiding it.