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BeyondBlue Hello! Read this if you're not sure how to get started
  • replies: 0

Welcome This section of the Beyond Blue Forums is for talking about our experiences with Depression. There are lots of chats about how it makes us feel, what it’s like to live with depression and what has worked to help in these times. Thank you for ... View more

Welcome This section of the Beyond Blue Forums is for talking about our experiences with Depression. There are lots of chats about how it makes us feel, what it’s like to live with depression and what has worked to help in these times. Thank you for coming this far, we know it can be really hard to take these steps if depression is in your life - we see you and think this is a great step. To get the most out of this space we have a few tips: Get involved. The Forums work best for you when you get active and post where you can. Now, we know that can be really hard, especially when you are experiencing depression. So, if you can post something supportive to someone else here, that would be an incredible start. Speak from the heart. This community wants to know how YOU feel and what has worked for YOU. We trust that you have something unique to say and we can’t wait to hear it. Check in. Lots of the chats on this Forum having been going for years and they are some of the richest conversations we have. Keep checking in to get new ideas and offer your support. We know it can be tough to start, but when you are ready we want to hear your thoughts. If you need some time to get to know the community, that's okay! Have a look around and see where you want to get involved. Thank you for being here Beyond Blue

Jeriava How do I talk to my doctor?
  • replies: 9

I’ve been struggling with my life for the past 7-8 years but I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I feel really scared though because I don’t ever go to the doctor for anything, and I havent seen this doctor for so many years that I’m really ... View more

I’ve been struggling with my life for the past 7-8 years but I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I feel really scared though because I don’t ever go to the doctor for anything, and I havent seen this doctor for so many years that I’m really scared that they’ll judge me or won’t believe anything I say. I’m really anti social so I feel like I won’t be able to say what I wanna say or I’ll say the wrong thing causing them to just dismiss me and move me along without helping. I’m just tired of feeling alone, depressed and just worthless but I’m really scared to talk to them.

AGrace SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION
  • replies: 132

Hi Everyone, Here are some ideas you might like to try for managing symptoms of depression. Of course everyone's different, so let us know what works for you, and please feel free to add to the list... Mindfulness – through breathing or engaging the ... View more

Hi Everyone, Here are some ideas you might like to try for managing symptoms of depression. Of course everyone's different, so let us know what works for you, and please feel free to add to the list... Mindfulness – through breathing or engaging the 5 senses Distress Tolerance – Accepting Emotions and Self Soothing Distraction – Put the thoughts/feelings aside and come back to them when you are ready to deal with them Positive Affirmations – Have some affirmations written down repeat them to yourself daily Sleep/Exercise/Diet – All 3 aspects of our lifestyle can impact the way we think/feel Increasing Pleasurable Activities – Engage in at least one pleasurable activity per day

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Suzbj This is my story and where I come from
  • replies: 6

Hi Everyone, I have posted here a number of times but have never really introduced myself.I’m Suz and my story began when my mother committed suicide when I was five years old leaving me with a man who hated me, supposedly my father but maybe not.I r... View more

Hi Everyone, I have posted here a number of times but have never really introduced myself.I’m Suz and my story began when my mother committed suicide when I was five years old leaving me with a man who hated me, supposedly my father but maybe not.I remember back to one year old and know my mother knew that my father hated me. So how could she have left me in his care knowing how much he hated me?Having attempted suicide twice in my life; the last should have worked (I thank God now that the medics were able to save me although I was very upset at the time that I woke up to find I was still here)... so I know the mindset that comes with suicide. And that my mother would have thought her children would be better off without her as is apparent in her suicide note that I have from the inquest papers I have.My father took it out on me through physical and emotional abuse because he didn’t believe I was his child. The guilt was placed on me, whether intentional or not for my mother’s suicide and from that time onwards was a childhood of being beaten severely pretty much every day.The bruises heal, but the emotional taunting and put-downs stayed with me. That I was disgusting, just a ‘slut like my mother was’, I am worthless, lazy, a trouble-maker, and ‘No man will ever love you! They will just want to use you up because you are nothing!’My parents came to Australia in the 50’s escaping communism in Former Yugoslavia. They lived as children through World War II through horrendous experiences that breaks my heart.Ultimately, we all just do the best we can with what we have. Our stepmother was deranged and dangerous and capable of the very worst. We, or at least I, often feared for my life. She was seriously mentally ill without ever being diagnosed and very cruel.There is much that I could say, but it would take too long. Basically, I left home at 15yo, was in some dangerous and potentially homeless situations for a number of years. Was an absolute mess and basket-case. I was pregnant to my partner of the time at 19yo.My beautiful daughter was born in 1981 and I promised her the world! All the things I longed for – the whole white picket fence scenario.But I couldn’t deliver. I was so unstable and I was a single mum from the time she was five weeks old (mutual) with no support from family or anyone. There are many good things in raising my daughter. She was my whole world and I had her back.But I was agoraphobic by this time and a mess with depression/anxiety. It was very hard for her but I always supported her and none of our family had anything much to do with us – thanks in particular to one manipulative sister.Her dad always had open visitation rights and was never pressured to pay more maintenance than he wanted to – I just wanted my daughter to know her father had her back. And, in his own way, he did have her back.I resorted to fundamental religions to try and find a sense of worth which only served to exacerbate my sense of worthlessness and that I deserved punishment – even burning in hell for all eternity.My daughter was raised in that crap and I don’t blame her for hating me. When she met her husband, he did everything to make sure we were estranged. Long story. Too long to go into.I resorted to alcohol from 2001 and was seriously suicidal for every day of at least five years (lastsuicide attempt was four years ago). The first thing I woke up planning every morning, the last thing I went to bed with.The fact my mother did it to us, was a preventative. I know what it is like to pay the price.But when I lost my daughter, there was no reason to keep fighting. How wrong I was!!Resorting to alcohol resulted in my daughter wanting nothing to do with me and not allowing me contact with my grandson. I don’t blame her. I understand fully and take responsibility.I moved state four years and a half years ago and am finding myself for the first time in my life – since learning to value my life through an epiphany after attempting suicide . For the first time in my life I feel like ‘I belong’. I have made some great friends. I still feel terribly lonely at times and worthless. But it is three steps forward two steps back.So bit by bit, there is every reason to hope! My Christmas will be with a friend and I look forward to that. I am doing lots of Christmas get-togethers with other friends before they go away.Mostly, Christmas and New Year will be spent house-sitting out-of-town for a friend going overseas – looking after their dogs and chooks and ducks and geese! Priceless!!! Well, that’s a little bit about me.Take care everyone – lots of best wishes – Suz xx

Chris D Wondering about things and life
  • replies: 2

This is something that i can't even describe. No words that come close, no words that would do it justice. I don't know anymore. Fluctuates every day hr by hr, min by min, sec by sec. I don't get it. Sitting at kitchen table looking towards the east ... View more

This is something that i can't even describe. No words that come close, no words that would do it justice. I don't know anymore. Fluctuates every day hr by hr, min by min, sec by sec. I don't get it. Sitting at kitchen table looking towards the east pondering things, life in general and my own personal life. Doesn't make sense anymore have tried to make sense out of it but can't does my head in and it's already full of stuff. Wondering what else to say mind is blank. Just feel down, flat like something is missing inside have tried to fill it up but nothing has worked. Can't stop thinking about this illness. Will try my distractions that i have in place for myself. but i just don't get it. Why can't i get it. Remember everyone BE STRONG, BE DEFIANT AND STAND TALL YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Kind Regards Chris

Fideliobob "Simply Thankyou"
  • replies: 1

This insight worked for me: “Simply Thankyou” Introduction: After thirty rears of fighting depression, many psychologists and many psychiatrists and so many cycles of medication, this simple personal insight brought me home! To all those beautiful pe... View more

This insight worked for me: “Simply Thankyou” Introduction: After thirty rears of fighting depression, many psychologists and many psychiatrists and so many cycles of medication, this simple personal insight brought me home! To all those beautiful people who have suffered from depression I would like to say “Thankyou, Simply Thankyou” for doing such a wonderful job. Thankyou for being such beautiful and courageous messengers , such shining beacons! I hear you pain , I have felt your pain, and now I hear your message and I hear it loud and clear for your message is simply the pain of humanity and the way it has to live now. The way we are living now is so wrong, so wrong, there is so little human-ness left in the way we live. We need to change, and we need to change now! So now relax in the knowing of a job well done, your message has been heard, that there has never been anything wrong with you, you are simply a gifted messenger! I know that place you go to; that deepening, darkening tunnel, which you shuffle down with trembling knees, and your body full of terror and panic. I know that place you go to, where the tunnel ends, where your bare feet are on solid ground but your toes are dangling over nothingness, an empty abyss, and it is so dark and frightening. Then dimly just ahead there is a feint outline, misty at first, that slowly forms into a shape, a doorway, and it's only about five feet away. And I know that moment when you are rocking on the balls of your feet, trying to decide wether to jump or not. “ I wonder if I can leap across in one bound or shall I take a few steps back and take a running jump?” Then for some reason, you stop rocking and plant your heels firmly back on the ground, and from somewhere deep, deep inside you grab hold of something primal, something essential and you turn around facing back the way you came and take a deep breath. I thank you in this moment for choosing to return to life rather than taking the leap of death. All ahead is blackness and you squint your eyes and then dimly percieve a minute spec of light, so small you are not sure it is real at all. So you slowly retrace your steps, and that little spec of light gets bigger and bigger as you shuffle fearfully upwards. You are heading back to the light and it is your light, and it is getting brighter and brighter until it's the colour of Cornish Ice cream and you can feel it's warmth enfold you, and suddenly you are out of the tunnel, back in the gallery of life. So you take your light and sit down, and relax and look back at where you came from. The tunnel is gone, the entrance has been bricked over, then plastered over and some artists have painted a mural over the place honouring the purpose of the tunnel. You are Home, you are safe! Well done and Simply Thankyou! Namaste' Bob and Barnaby Eden. Woof.

Tess1994 I don't know who I am.
  • replies: 2

I don't even know where to start. I have always been a very anxious person. I used to have regular panic attacks before starting grade 12. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve that it felt as though there was this constant weight on my chest. ... View more

I don't even know where to start. I have always been a very anxious person. I used to have regular panic attacks before starting grade 12. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve that it felt as though there was this constant weight on my chest. I was diagnosed with psoriasis in grade 12. A condition that leaves my body covered in itchy spots. Being a 17 year old girl living in a society based on beauty it was difficult for me to cope with this condition. I was constantly be teased by work colleges and boys claiming that I have 'herpes all over my body'. Although I am lucky because my outbursts of psoriasis only come every couple of years, they do however last for months. During this period at the end of high school was the worst of my outbursts. It was all over my body, my face, my hair, arms, legs. Everywhere. I stopped socialising with people. I didn't leave my bed all day and I didn't exercise. My friends stopped trying to make me go places with them. I gained weight and this just added to the upset at my appearance. My years of thriving with the opposite sex and being an out-spoken confident girl had stopped. I was so unhappy with my body that I refused to go to parties with friends and consequently lost these friends. I felt so alone. The pressure of a hard degree at uni and the pressure of pleasing my family is constantly weighing me down. I feel like i can't escape from this. Sometimes I just sit at home and cry for hours. As well as this body and academic pressure I have come to question my sexuality. I have this plan for life - good job, husband and kids. That has always been my plan but recently I have come to think that this will not happen for me. I can't talk to my friends about this because I have always pretended to be happy in front of them. None of them know how much I really hate myself. The only person I can talk to is my mum and I hate weighing her down with my problems when she already has her own. I am not pleased with my life and I am always questioning myself as a person. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I have no defining talents. I looked at the symptoms of depression and I think I am struggling with it. I don't know what to do? Who do i talk to? Am i even depressed?

bug35 Feeling trapped
  • replies: 4

I've been living with depression most of my life and it seems at this point it is at its worst.Have been on antidepressants for 20 years. Started having trouble coping with work, a job that was an uncomfortable working environment but was holding it ... View more

I've been living with depression most of my life and it seems at this point it is at its worst.Have been on antidepressants for 20 years. Started having trouble coping with work, a job that was an uncomfortable working environment but was holding it down purely to survive.I saw the GP and was put on a SNRI antidepressant and instructed to keep taking my original SSRI antidepressant.Lasted 3 days and could not handle the side effects.Then tried another SSRI antidepressant, was instructed to stop the original SSRI antidepressant after starting this. Lasted for 1 month on this new one and was getting lots of fatigue, was having trouble staying up after work to do the things I enjoy, if I went to bed early I would wake up feeling worse from over sleeping and frustrated from losing relaxing time. Just seemed to be working and sleeping.Started to take days off work here and there. Then Decided I had enough of meds and stopped the medication, was sick of living in a foggy state of mind and experiencing fatigue all the time, thought a break from meds would help. Managed to get to day 46 and the withdrawal symptoms seemed to be gone, but my depression worsened and I was taking even more days off work. Was referred to a psychologist. In desperation I saw the GP again and was put on a starter dose of another SSRI antidepressant, even on this small dose the side effects were horrible, could not handle it at all. Was starting to have episodes at work where I would feel light headed, could not make decisions and had to sit down for long periods of time, these could have been anxiety attacks. I have since left the job as I couldn't cope with it, of course there are going to be problems with paying the bills soon, which is making me worse. Have been seeing a psychiatrist and been put back onto my original SSRI antidepressant gradually, 25mg for 4 days, 50mg for 3 days, now am on 100mg and have been instructed to go up to 200mg after 7 days.The idea of being put on this one again was the fact that its the most neutral with the least side effects for me. The psychologist has tried to help me avoid thinking traps and to try and get a proper sleep routine. But I can't seem to get one.Whats happening now is I cannot stay up a full day, or find things to fill the day as all the things I used to enjoy do nothing for me. Or I get these attacks where I go light headed with strong fatigue/depression/anxiety/fear and cannot stand to be awake. Have tried over the past 2 weeks: walking daily, eating regularly, taking vitamins, trying to keep myself busy but this gloom keeps coming back and making me shut down.I did have one day there where I stayed up for a full day doing things, but then had trouble sleeping. Since that day my "awake" hours have been reduced down again, more each day, had to take a nap only a few hours after being awake but the last two days I have slept for the majority of the day as a way to escape this horrible feeling. Today I got up early and really did have a good shot at it, went for a decent walk, and did some stuff around the house but after just 4 hours of being awake the fatigue and light headed feeling came back. Decided to lay down for an hour but stayed down for 2 hours. When I woke up I was supposed to go and see family but had another one of these attacks and had to lay down again after about 15 minutes.Have since slept for another 4 hours waking up approx every hour, not being able to get up. Fear is a big factor with these attacks, I get scared of facing the day and even more scared when the attacks happen. I just want to be able to stay up for a normal day, have a regular sleeping pattern and be motivated again like I used to be. Have been depressed before but never this bad, this is horrible.In the past 2 weeks I have had suicidal thoughts most days, but don't have the guts to do it. Feel trapped in this depressive void. I really feel like I'm sinking into a black hole, desperately trying to claw my way out but nothing is working.I try and try again but just keep sinking back down. Just had some dinner as I know I have to eat, now have a headache and just don't see the point in doing anything. The only thing I do look forward to is going to sleep again as its not painful like being awake. Am at a loss on what else to do.

MattJ Not Waving, Drowning
  • replies: 11

Hello. I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stop... View more

Hello. I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stopped working. On top of this, I though being unfaithful to my wife of 13 years would help, unfortunately, all that's done is end my marriage. I'm no good at maintaining any relationships, as such I have no friends (and as of 7 hours ago, no wife) to talk to. It's too difficult to talk to work colleagues about my mental health due to the stigma this attaches to you. To try something different, I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow and will ask advice regarding psychiatric treatment. Previous therapy has also indicated presence of alexithymia so I don't know if this has complicated any other therapies in the past. All this has come to a climax today, and I don't feel anything. No anger, no anxiety, no remorse, no shame, nothing. Just a void of emotion in a listless existence. The only good part of the story is that the void has created a calm spot to tread water for a moment - unfortunately, I'm to far out to sea to make it back to shore. Most definitely drowning, not waving.

Salba How do I get out of the spiral of Doom?
  • replies: 1

Hi Guys I'm new here. I'm in my early thirties, have a 4yo son and a 7 month old daughter. I live with a partner who works away from home for 12 to 14 hours a day and a couple of years ago he was made redundant and we had to move 800km away from all ... View more

Hi Guys I'm new here. I'm in my early thirties, have a 4yo son and a 7 month old daughter. I live with a partner who works away from home for 12 to 14 hours a day and a couple of years ago he was made redundant and we had to move 800km away from all of my established support for another job. I started getting symptoms of depression when I was 11 and was first hospitalised as suicidal when I was 15. Since then my life has been alternating between feeling numb and getting by to various stages of not doing well to full blown crisis. I have never hidden my illness from my partner but he doesn't seem to be able to understand. He thinks that because he spends so much time at work he shouldn't have to do much when he gets home. He calls me lazy in front of his kids from a previous marriage and then wonders why they say it too, and makes sure I know he resents having to help out with housework. I have had issues with sleep for as long as I can remember. I have always slept better during the day than at night and lately I've hardly been sleeping at night at all. To make it worse, my partner uses sleep deprivation as a punishment. last weekend he actually said f*** you b**** when I told him I was going to have a nap. I feel like I am failing my kids because I am too tired to do anything. I know eating well and getting exercise can help but how do you start when everything feels like too much effort and you have no support. I used to ride my bike In the afternoons to get a little me time and some exercise but I can't even do that now because my son clings to me like a limpet and screams until I get home if I leave without him. Things are getting on top of me and the thoughts of suicide are coming every day now. (Yes, I know what to do in a crisis and I know when I need to seek help and do so) I just don't know where to get the practical help I need when I live in a little town at the back end of nowhere. Sorry this got long Sal

cassvonnegut Helping someone through
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm new to this but need some help. I'm trying to help a friend through a really tough time. It's tricky because we used to be in a long term relationship. We have a wonderful, close friendship and there's no bad blood stemming from our having br... View more

Hi, I'm new to this but need some help. I'm trying to help a friend through a really tough time. It's tricky because we used to be in a long term relationship. We have a wonderful, close friendship and there's no bad blood stemming from our having broken up, but needless to say it hasn't been easy. I've come through depression myself and have managed to get on top of a lot of it through counselling and lifestyle changes and meditation. My friend is trying a lot of the methods I've used and has made progress, however a new relationship in his life has been really traumatic and difficult for him. He's naturally a very sensitive, honest and caring person and I fee like this is being taken advantage of. I don't know how to help him realise he's worth more than he thinks and get him to realise this girl is going to continue to hurt him rather than help him. I want to help him move towards things that will make him happy. But now he's saying he wants to go overseas for an extended period of time, which can be an amazing life affirming experience, but I feel like he's not seeing it like this but as a means of escape, like he's running away. I'm worried that he'll become more isolated and withdraw more when he's away from the people that care about him. He has such little confidence and it's become worse since he's been with her. How can I help him realise he can't run away while remaining supportive of his choices and aspirations? I don't want to lose him, I love him too much.

Mares73 Falling apart-losing control over my thoughts
  • replies: 1

Hi there again i saw my psychiatrist yesterday and explained to her I was feeling very low-things I would usually do on autopilot such as get the kids ready for school and make their lunches-I was now at the point where I couldn't of had the energy t... View more

Hi there again i saw my psychiatrist yesterday and explained to her I was feeling very low-things I would usually do on autopilot such as get the kids ready for school and make their lunches-I was now at the point where I couldn't of had the energy to argue with them if they didn't want to go. That is SO not me. Having something ready for dinner each night-I completely forget.The lists of things I have to do are growing each day. I mentioned ACT therapy to my psych and her reply was that I knew the theories-what I needed was some practical help with things I have to do.She was concerned enough to ask if I would consider going to hospital for a break-but I couldn't do that to my kids right on Xmas.I don't have any "support" people. My husband just gets frustrated. I am finding it hard to wan to get out of bed each day. And my psychiatrist says this is because I have no enjoyment in my life, only things I "need" to do.She says given the amount of trauma I have experienced in my life there are bound to be effects to my self esteem, confidence as well as a fear of the unknown.So now I'm confused-am I so traumatised that therapy wouldn't help and just stick to seeing the psych every 3 months or do I drag up my whole past and go over it again using a different approach? I did email a Professor I found who specialises in ACT and she couldn't see me but gave me another name. She did state however that treatment would be very difficult and traumatic at times.I really don't want to relive my experiences-especially the ones involving child sexual abuse by my father and a priest and a "stranger" rape several years ago.I wish I could feel "normal" whatever that is just for a short period so I know it's possible to feel it again.Being defined "treatment resistant" and on a high dose SNRI coupled with 2 augmentation medications-an antipsychotic and a stimulant-AND feeling this bad is quite frightening. My self esteem is at an all-time low.I wonder who I am and where the "real" me has gone. I don't think I can go on like this much longer. I've always been able to stop myself from self harm by telling myself how important I am to the kids. Now I just feel like a complete failure at everything and don't know what to do-the kids might be less affected by me if I wasn't around.Sorry-a really dark desperate day. Mares x

Teddas Cant face today
  • replies: 4

Re: my other post "complicated life. I have found great comfort on this site but today am faced with going to work and having to see a woman l care greatly for ignore me and happily get bon with her life. i am a mess and really dont want to take thos... View more

Re: my other post "complicated life. I have found great comfort on this site but today am faced with going to work and having to see a woman l care greatly for ignore me and happily get bon with her life. i am a mess and really dont want to take those steps backwards again. might just spend day in bed as now everything is piling in on top of me. scared l will loose my job if l take much more time off as the past b6 months have been horrible. now crying again. so sick of this rollercoaster