Hi thereWell, I’m in a constant state of nervousness, my depression is
hellishly bad and has been for so long now. I’ve been diagnosed with
chronic depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder for
around 11-12 years now; but suspect that it...
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Hi thereWell, I’m in a constant state of nervousness, my depression is
hellishly bad and has been for so long now. I’ve been diagnosed with
chronic depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder for
around 11-12 years now; but suspect that it goes a long way further back
than that. It’s just that for the last 11-12 years I’ve been on
medication and have been having ‘other treatment’ (like psychiatrist
visits and psychologist visits).I feel like crying but the tears won’t
come. I feel like I’ve got a large coiled spring in my chest/stomach,
that continually turns tighter and tighter and I just wish it would
release. I’m getting angry with myself, I do keep a daily diary (have
done so for some 18 years) and I’m now finding that I’m writing in it
that “I hate myself”. I have a partner and two fantastic children. I
don’t think I’d be here anymore if I didn’t have my two children;
they’re both in their early teens. Things though have got to the point
where I can’t share my downs with my partner anymore; I really don’t
think she can handle hearing them anymore and to be honest, I feel
somewhat abandoned, but then again, I can’t blame her, as it must be
awfully hard on her as well.About the only thing I look forward to in my
day is night time when I can sink a few beers and then go to sleep.
Although a month or two ago, I couldn’t even look forward to that, for
sleeptime at that stage just produced a lot of bad nightmares. At least
they seem to have eased up somewhat.I’m on heavy medication as
prescribed by my psyche and my most recent visit suggested that if I can
change jobs (and not medication) that will help. While I agree with
this, in this current climate, changing jobs is so much easier to write
than to achieve. I also keep fit; I go to my local gym almost every day
of the week – however another dot point of depression for me is with me
at the moment; I have an injury, which as stopped me going to the gym.
The gym, which is usually my only outlet for stress release – but at
present, I can’t even work out. I’m getting close to being able to
return but for over two weeks now I’ve been crawling up the wall, due to
know gym sessions. I am also into running and am doing that 2-3 times
per week and being careful with that, to hopefully negate any chances of
being injured.I also have a poker machine addiction and that is a source
of stress and worry for my partner. She hates them, and for some unknown
reason, I love them. And yes, while I have had some very nice and at
times very big wins, for the other times, I have probably aided our
local club with extra refurbishments that they otherwise wouldn’t have
been able to afford to get. That’s a fun way of saying that I’ve
probably lost quite a bit of cash. But when you lose, the demons really
come out to play with your mind and being depressed and losing money and
I guess having the odd brew, probably isn’t the best combination. I have
self excluded myself from a club that I frequented a lot in the past for
one year, but I think that maybe this is something that is needing to
happen again.So there it is: I have a home, a partner, two children, and
animals (pets in our home), a car, a job, I’m on medication, I have
regular GP appointments, as well as psyche meetings, I exercise and keep
fit; and yet I have major depression, fuelled with anxiety and ptsd. And
as I get older, I feel the tension and stress is getting worse. I have
made major inroads into writing a book about my story (detailing out
what were the initial main causes for my depression) but also I’ve
listed out what I call, my balloons of depression (things that are
attached to me every day that cause me stress). When I list it all out,
it’s quite a list and I’ve just realised that indeed, if the balloons
were real and full of helium, I’d actually be floating away as there’s
so many of the mongrels!!I don’t know what to do … I now have ‘no sick
leave’ available and so I “have” to turn up to work every day or the
money won’t come in … ahhh money, another balloon of stress! That’s a
big balloon, that is! I tried 9 months off work earlier this year; part
from stress leave and part for lwop; and while away, I did feel better.
Not near 100% as I don’t think I will ever get to that level again, but
it certainly was better than what it is now (or what is was prior to
going on stress leave).But I’m really stressed out at work. I’ve tried
lots of options to get out but so far nothing has eventuated. It’s not
so much the work, but the people that cause me a hell of a lot of
stress. I’ve had a recent hospital visit due to chest pain … which
fortunately ended in me being told that I’m fine and it was all put down
to stress.Last week stress got to me so bad that I ended up self
harming.It really shits me, that I have done (or am doing) all the
things that they say you should, in order to help with this illness and
yet, nothing seems to work. I’m hopeless, self confidence is gone, I
hate myself and I can’t look forward to anything or have any thoughts of
major enjoyment. I can’t remember the last time I had a really good
laugh. I constantly feel like crying, but the tears won’t come. Perhaps
I’ll write a song with that as the title!Where to from here? I know I
tell other people to take small steps (baby steps) and perhaps that’s
all I can do. But what I have in my mind each day is like living with
internal torture!Neil
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