Hi all, i am new here.
My story is probably familiar too many of you.
20 something yrs ago i was diagnosed as clinically depressed. On and off taking my s.r.i. (Read ....feeling better so i am not sick anymore and don't need the pills.) for the next 15 yrs. finally got it into my head that i gotta take them, regardless.
i think i have worked out the why of what went wrong.
i lived for so much of my youth in a fight or flight mode. Living out there means that eventually , one or two things happens.
1 adrenaline overload leads you too be an adrenalin junkie, so you go looking for something bigger, scarier, more dangerous, to get that level of adrenalin back.
2 seratonin level drops off. When this happens there are again a couple of ways this could go.
a. You stop producing seratonin, so you need to eat bananas or take seratonin doses
b. Your brain absorbs seratonin at such a fast rate that it doesnt do what it should, thus the s.r.i.'s i am on
i chose anger, alcohol and attack. ( the best defence is offence right? )
anyway this week the dog returned. No one particular reason. It just came.
I know there were a few contributing things, but the trigger? No idea right now. Couldnt face work after midday thursday. Woke up friday with no will to get out of bed. Had a relatively stress free day and am on the way back today.
This is almost a record for me, it usually takes over a week. But with the understanding and support of my supervisors, my wife and my doctor, well we just wait and see.
one thing that i noticed tho was the sense of relief and release by telling my boss what was happening in my head, before the acting out became intolerable. I guess that doing that has avoided the blame game and the anger attacks and then later the self castigation as well as the damage to professional and personal relationships.
thanks for reading, and giving me a place and some space.
Don't pretend tough, it's ok to not be ok.
