It's hard to tell, am I depressed?

[venusfever]

Hardly remember when these all started, I wasn't myself anymore as told by my husband. I am miserable, bad temper, rude and lazy, that he keeps complaining me and we argued a lot in the past couple of years. According to him, I was a cheerful, positive and always taking care of the family well, most importantly never bad-mouth about anything and were soft and gentle. I just can't help myself, whenever he complained, I break down in tears and just couldn't stop blaming myself for everything. I feel tire everyday, couldn't really enjoy anything in life and getting to hate myself so much that I can't even get my job done properly. Although my little 3 years old someone become the only source to cheer me up sometimes, I still couldn't speak it up to my husband nor my close friend about my emotional problem. Don't think my husband will care and listen after all. This morning I nearly run into a crash on my way to work, very close missed, don't know how that could happened but I still don't feel like talking to anyone about it. In fact, I have told my husband to leave me a lone and stop talking to me for over 2 weeks now. 

After the incident this morning, I realized I should have go to see my GP about my emotional issues, but I'm really not sure if I couldn't tell her anything..I found it very hard to tell, and whenever I tried to tell my close friend or husband, I found myself hard to breath and rather stay away alone.

Really not sure if I am depressed, or just need to find a way to express my feeling. But I really don't know how, and really dislike what I am now.

Can anyone suggest how I could get this over and back to my old-self?

[Mbuna]

Venus,

I am not a doctor so i wont give you a diagnosis. Depression is different for everyone. It definitely sounds like you are anxious and stressed. Talking to your GP is not going hurt. Did these bad feelings start occurring soon after the birth of your child? I have suffered depression for a few years now. At first i did not understand it so i did a lot of reading and research on the illness. A lot of women get depressed after child birth. Talk to someone. It will help.

I know when I was at my worst, i would have mood swings and get angry at my partner for no reason. Try talking to your husband about it. He is probably as confused and as angry as you are. If he can understand what you are going through he may be able to help you get through it.

[venusfever]

Hi Mbuna,

Thanks for your advice. Really appreciate that because I never have a thought about PPD so I just went on google search about it. Found some cases, and there is a term called "Perinatal Mood Disorder"..after reading a few cases, I begin to think if I am suffering the same problem. My husband was working in overseas for more than 2 months while my baby was just 2 months old and I was all alone by myself during that time. It was a terrible 2 months, especially we don't have other family member nor friends staying close to us who can help me out. I was extremely exhausted and stressed..yes I can recall all that still..There was even one occasion that I put my baby in the cot on his own and left him cried for all night long but myself crying along in the bedroom next door.

I've just called to make an appointment to see my GP this Friday. At this stage, I don't think my husband will understand nor listen to me, he was quite disappointed on me being extremely annoying to him. Hopefully my GP can give me an answer to my problem and help me out, before everything is too late.

[Chris_B]

Hi venusfever and Mbuna,

You might want to check out our new website for perinatal mental health that  has been launched this week >  http://justspeakup.beyondblue.org.au/ (please copy and paste the link)

There are personal stories as well as information on there, and if you want to share your own story or comment on others you can use your BB forum login to take part.

best
CB

__________________________________________
Online Community Manager

[Mbuna]

Venus,

I'm glad I could help.  The internet is a great resource. Be careful not to use it as a self diagnosis tool though. I have made that mistake before. Hopefully your GP can help you out. Don't give up on your husband just yet. I don't know him but you may be surprised how he reacts. When I was depressed i got very angry with my partner. Sometimes the anger was warranted but sometimes it was just me using her as an excuse for my problems. She got angry at me in return and the relationship was not a nice place to be.Now I look back and I am very guilty at how i treated her. We both had issues that we needed to sort out. Depression can make people very nasty. The anger is a self defense mechanism and getting rid of it was my most challenging task. I really hope you can work out your problems, and I do also hope you can repair the relationship with your husband

[geoff]

dear Venus, doctors are very astute they are well and truly trained and can pick up if someone is depressed, and as soon as they say 'what can I do for you Venus', you will break down, and that's good, because they will then know that there is something wrong, but depression being the most likely.

There is no shame at all, I have cried many times at my appointments with my doctor and psychologist and was not afraid to do it.

It happens so often that the partner, especially the male detests his wife or de facto having any sort of depression, because it rattles the boat, so to speak, it disrupts their daily routine and what they expect from their wife.

For this happening to me from my ex I felt alone and segregated and this only pushes you deeper into depression, because what ever you say to them they dismiss and don't believe whatever we have to say, which only closes the communication between the both of us.

You or I can't just snap out of it, that's impossible, because it's too embedded within us, and all we want is to have someone who we can talk to that never argues, or criticises with us, it seems simple but it never is.

There have been a couple of suggestions given to you, and I agree totally with them, so please go and visit your doctor, and as I said earlier there is no shame if and when you show your emotion, you are just asking for help. L Geoff. x

[venusfever]

Thanks Geoff, that is exactly how I feel at the moment. I've tried to communicate with my husband about my feeling even told him that I feel life is so meaningless and I am so frustrated to express myself in a correct way. However he just couldn't believe what I was saying and think they are all excuses of me being slack and rude at home, most of the time he even turned around and walk away.

While reading your post, I nearly breakdown in tears because you have got me well of what I am going through now.

Hope I could tell myself well enough to my GP this Friday and she could give me some effective resolutions to my problem.

Thanks everyone - Venus

[geoff]

dear Venus, thanks.

You will be able to indicate to your doctor and be able to give them the general idea of how you feel, but please don't worry if you feel as though you haven't told them everything in the one session.

All of this takes time and to extrapolate the memory is difficult to do, it's like going into a maze where every opening we always believe is the 'way out', but it's not, but over time we can find the way out.

If only your husband was in the same situation as you are, then he would realise how much pain depression causes us.

Please let us know how you get on. L Geoff. x

[venusfever]

Hi Geoff,

Went to see GP last Friday afternoon, and I did breakdown in tears when she asked me "what have been upsetting you lately?". I was gasping with tears as numerous things came into my mind all in a sudden. She noticed that I was pinching my arms and was shaking along when trying my best to explain my feelings in broken sentences. Until I was calm down, she gave me a few forms to complete in a week including K10 and DASS questionnaires. She also think my source of stress came from work and marriage that she might refer me to relevant consultation later. Going back to see her again and submit those forms this Wednesday. Looks like I am doing a right thing, but still not sure. In fact, I felt a bit relieved after seeing her last Friday. Good start?

[geoff]

dear Venus, that's good, because she can tell by the way you reacted while you were in there, so she's really getting you to answer these questionnaires and setting the base for her to start the treatment.

The answers will be able to say whether you are more prone to anxiety, depression or any other form of stress associated with how you feel.

If you like your doctor and get on well then that's a real bonus, because there will more facts that need to be revealed to her, which you may have forgotten about, as this seems to always be the case.

Please keep us in touch. L Geoff. x