Can't "act" normal anymore -breakdown

[Mares73]

Hi again Thankyou to all of the kind caring people who respond to me. Jos your response about not thinking ahead and just trying to get through the day calmed me down.

Today I woke up and my husband had told me that all the research I was doing was not what he wanted and he only wanted one page summaries. I felt upset, I felt stupid and then I felt that he hadn't e planned this clearly when we initially spoke about it.

So he goes off to work thinking ill probably get it done "the right" way today. Then my children get up for school and I have no energy or ability to make lunches etc so was going to let them stay home.

Usually they would love that-but today they got themselves ready and left, angry that I'd given them money for lunch instead of me personally making it. Petty things in the scheme of life. But I sat down and felt completely overwhelmed and unable to function or do anything.

There is still so much mail & washing etc & all the things I'd usually do -today I just closed the blinds and cried and felt like I can't live with this struggle anymore. My husband says it stresses him out & he worries his leukaemia will come back, he just finds it frustrating. I sent him a msg saying "I need to tell you that I'm not well, I feel close to breakdown, I can't function and I'd probably go to hospital if I could". Haven't heard from him.

I'm disillusioned that I'm defined as "treatment resistant" and been on so many medications. I was upset when I applied for a online self help short course by Mindspot and a psychologist phoned me and said my scores were too high and I needed to see somone rather than do a course (despite the fact I do see a psychiatrist).

And yesterday I had applied for a research program at CRUFAD where half of the participants were to read a self-help book and the other half were to do a self-help online course. The aim was to determine whether a book or a course was more effective. Nowhere on the application did it mention medication.

So a researcher phones me and says my application is suitable and we just need to do a half hour chat on phone to discuss further details-so we do this-and then at the end when she's told me I'm successful-she says "oh one final question, are you on any medications?" -so I tell her yes, an antidepressant and then before I get out the word "an antipsychotic"-she interrupts me, quite distressed and says "oh I'm sorry I should of asked you that first-we can't proceed any further with your application"!!.

I said to her nowhere did it state that taking medication was an issue, there was no question as to whether I took medication and why wait to the end of the interview to ask me if its a crucial factor in determining who is eligible? I also said to her that reading a self-help book or doing a short online course should not be affected by ruling out people who take medication.

The book or the course could be beneficial to many people with depression and many people are on medication so I couldn't see how taking medication related to or impacted upon a participants involvement.

Anyway that felt like another rejection. In the last two weeks I've isolated myself in the house I have done a lot of research on self-help program's etc. trying to help myself. I read a lot about a  type called ACT-it's an acceptance approach to mental illness, depression in particular and seems to involve accepting ones illness rather than struggling against it and then committing ti changing the things you can.

It's based on "Mindfulness" and seems to have strong elements of Buddhist theory informing it. I now need to try find a therapist in Sydney. This has been my biggest hurdle-finding a good mental health practitioner.

I only have my pyschiatrist who does not provide therapy but simply asks each time I see here what's been happening in life in general and then discusses scripts and medication. I've been seeing her for 6 years-my fault really for not having the courage to try a different one.

I only see her every few months and the state I'm in I really need intensive support so I guess I should do something useful today and at least look into therapists.

I feel immobilised by depression; I feel as though a monster has invaded my mind and taken over my thoughts and ability to function effectively. I feel so so low. I can't face the world, I feel I can't even leave the house or answer phone calls.

I've worn the same clothes all week and can't believe how difficult I'm finding it to do anything. I'm also frightened by my thoughts and the feeling that I've lost control over them.

I'm extremely anxious around my husband and kids as I know my husband is so frustrated and feels pressured to manage his job and then come home to find I've forgotten to organise anything for dinner; there are 3 baskets of washing that have stayed downstairs all week when I should of folded the clothes and put them away.

He can also see the mounting pile of papers and mail and has said he has had enough of things being difficult and wants an easier life. I feel so so guilty about this as he has survived leukaemia and should be having a good life-not affected by my depression and my inability at times to do all the housework and cooking etc.

I feel I am a hopeless case, I am consumed by guilt and fear. I hate myself so much. I used to be the strongest person. I've endured so much trauma in my life. And now I am a barely functioning person who is full of regret, despair, self hate as well as guilt and terror at the thought of how I will manage each day.

I can't let my family down, I hate my current weakness, I dread what they must think of me. I just want to be able to do simple things like make the house nice, cook meals, organise events, get dressed each day, feel I'm managing responsibilities and making my family happy. But if today is any indication I'm failing at everything.

I have the care and will to achieve things but I don't have the ability to do them as I'm immobilised, tears, scared and unable to almost move. It's like I really have been overtaken by a dark spirit who has taken all my strength and left me sitting immobilised in a chair where I can't move or do anything but cry and feel such deep shame and hopelessness.

Where have I gone? Will I come back? I can't stand to live like this, it makes me feel as though ill become a burden and my family would be best without me. Just a very dark day and I'm so ashamed my husband sees me like this.

Please I beg that I will come back and feel able to live and contribute to my family's happiness and take control of things again. I hate what I am today. So sorry...was desperate for someone to listen and maybe say something that might help.

You are all my hope. M x  

[Stephen123]

Hi Mares, I read your post with interested and got excited when you mentioned ACT my psychiatrist has been telling me about it and mindfulness also. He recommended an excellent book called the happiness trap by rus Harris all about ACT. My psychiatrist is brilliant and is part of a group/ clinic in the hills area. Maybe if you google private mental health clinic kellyville it will give you a result. They have a range of excellent services. Good luck Mares.

[Jos]

Hi Mares, all of what you have written I can relate to, I'm unsure of the ages of your children, perhaps you can ask them to help a little around the house as mum is not well and needs some support.  You need to remember that your thoughts are being created by the depression, I always look at my mind as the positive and then the negative, the depression feeds itself on the negative.  I feel you need to set yourself some small goals, force yourself even if it does feel like your walking on gravel, don't let the negative beat you, just plan to have a shower put on some clean clothes and tidy up the sink, just do something, otherwise it consumes us, like being trapped in a vortex.  Take one step at a time but remember to think of only getting through the day.  Sit and do your own research on mindfulness, inspirational sites, try to engage your positive side, the real commander of the ship so to speak.  It's a bit like your in the ocean unable to see the lighthouse, your exhausted but know deep down that glimmer of light in the distance will get brighter as you move toward it.

Best of luck 🙂

[Stephen123]

I,m sorry Mares my reply was somewhat rushed as I had to go pick up my daughter from school. It sounds like you,re doing it tough at the moment but at least you are looking for a light. I mentioned the clinic in the Hills, ( gives the name away somewhat) because I had a very good psychiatrist who retired and recommended these guys. The new psychiatrist changed my meds somewhat gave me a report that made incredible sense and I,m thinking of doing group therapy with them. Apparently it is covered under private health insurance if you have it. Or maybe you could search for something in your area. If you aren't seeing a clinical psychologist I would highly recommend it, maybe one that practices ACT. I,m sorry Mares but it sounds like me you need a break completely and a nice stay in a nice modern mental health clinic would be just the shot for you. I know it would be hard for the week but it might have the added bonus of making the family realise how good the mother they have is. If you have private health insurance you could maybe make a call and enquire about what is covered, gap payment etc..you can,t go on like this Mares something needs to be done and there is an awful lot of assistance out there these days. Maybe even try the outpatients section of your local hospital mental health unit. Better doing some proactive treatment rather than wait until something go,s terribly wrong and you have to have reactive treatment. Just some thoughts Mares, I might be wrong but I thought I,d give it a shot.