I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else out there suffering
the way I am.My life has been pretty much doomed since the start of my
life, I never really had anyone there, i'm not adopted, or abandoned or
anything like that and actually from...
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I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else out there suffering
the way I am.My life has been pretty much doomed since the start of my
life, I never really had anyone there, i'm not adopted, or abandoned or
anything like that and actually from the outside looking in, it looks
like I have it all.I guess i am lucky I have a house, food, water,
clothes, a few luxuries and all those things most Australians have but I
am so sad and alone, I have nothing to live for. Not many people know
about my depression, I've been heavily depressed for about 2 years now
and im currently 16. I think even as a child I had sadness because of
the way I was treated.The people around me who really know what is
happening and who know exclusively about my depression think it's a
joke. When my depression started getting really bad 2 years ago, I had
alot of support, mainly from my boyfriend because he was the only person
I really talked to about it.Lately, I have no support, none at all, i
keep getting told that i'm a bulls@*! artist etc etc etc and it hurts
because what I'm feeling is real, I don't want to feel this way but no
matter what happens I do. I guess if you're reading this you need a bit
of background info. I have never met my biological dad, i don't even
know his name, my mother mentally, psychologically and emotionally
abuses me, I don't have any siblings, I don't have any close family.I
dont recall a happy childhood, I remember spending most of it alone, I
never really had any friends, sleepovers, birthday parties to go to and
that hasn't changed since i've been in high school. I'm pretty much a
prisoner in my own home. I'm never allowed to go anywhere, the handle on
my door has been removed so there's a hole to spy on me through.This is
the work of my mother. This is only one of the many things she does. She
never really treated me this bad and i guess i fell into heavy
depression after a certain incident which involved her. 2 years ago i
snuck out of home to see my boyfriend, who is a muslim australian.At
first the problem was that i snuck out but coming from a fairly narrow
minded family, the thought of having a muslim boyfriend horrified my
family especially my mum. I have been called a terrorist supporter, a
sex slave, a stupid slut, a gullible traitor, ive been told that im
getting used and despite all that I ever backed down because I did love
him and i still do.Truth is he is so gentle, calm and beautiful inside
and out. The respect I have received from this relationship is crazy and
it's set me up for life, I know how I should be treated.I have been
through counsellors, psychologists, you name it i've been but my mum
still doesn't care about my depression, she is just so convinced that
i'm doing the wrong thing when honestly i'm probably one of the most
innocent 16 year olds you'll find. I've tried to kill myself all up 4
times, coming narrowly close to death a few times, it's probably a
miracle that I'm still alive. I've been extremely brief about why i'm
depressed but honestly it's just so long to explain.I just needed to do
this to get as much as I can off my chest and maybe someone out there is
going through the same or maybe someone cares. I self harm and it's
strange because I never ever would've thought that i would be as
depressed as I am.2 years ago I would've never imagined myself sitting
on a bathroom floor everynight, crying till I self harm. I never thought
this would've been me at 16 years old. I'm supposed to be having the
time of my life right now instead I find it hard to get out of bed some
days. Everything that "normal people" find easy to do like brushing your
teeth or showering has become something that is the hardest task of the
day for me. It's easy for people to say to me 'talk to someone' 'talk to
your bestfriend or your boyfriend or your family' but i have noone.I
have realised that for someone suffering depression support is
important. So what happens if you lose that support and you no longer
have it ? I'm not a bad person, even though I couldn't see my boyfriend,
I tried to give him as much love and support that I could but i never
really got anything in return. I'm not going to lie at the start I did,
the days were easier but now everything has turned so sour.The problem
was that I got too attatched and now I'm convinced the only way that I
will be happy is if I'm with him. If you've never been in love you won't
understand, not even I can explain it. With depression love is hard
because you're so sad although you know that you should be happy and
then you just fill yourself with insecurities and jealousy and sadness
and clingyness and then that just becomes too much for the other
person.You know it's your fault but shouldn't they understand and still
love you and nurture you and care for you no matter what ? I dont
completely understand depression. I know why I'm depressed. I know what
it does to me. I just don't understand it. i often find myself saying
'why me'.