i dont know what is wrong with me!!!

[Is_this_it___]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this forum. I really need some sort of advice. Iv been feeling incredibly depressed for the last few months. All areas of my life are suffering and I feel like my life is pointless and out of my control. in truth I have been feeling this way since I was in my early teens. From the moment I wake up to the second I go to bed these terrible thoughts are constantly running through my head such as your worthless, stupid, ugly  etc etc etc. It just never stops. I also have no one to talk to about it, iv tried but I always get.....oh you just focus on all the negatives all the time. I don't want to be like this iv read all the self help books, tried antidepressants, exercise, counselling and at the moment im taking st johns wort. I just don't know how long I can keep fighting these feelings that life really isn't worth living. Im not suicidal for the simple fact that I couldn't do that to my sister, my fiancée and my dad but every night I go to bed and hope that I die in my sleep of natural causes.   Iv survived a lot in life, my mum used to physically abuse me regularly and keep me home from school if I had visible injuries, she left when I was 9 leaving me and my younger siblings with my dad on a farm. we lived a isolated life and didn't do anything but go to school, no friends, no after school activities dad was just too busy on the farm. we all fended for ourselves and often were unsupervised for long periods at a time. my sister was sexually assaulted by an uncle when we were young and I saw it and told my parents which has resulted in huge rifts in our family. my dad had a couple of friends after my mum left who touched my sister and I innapropriatley and after barricading ourselves in our room when they were over at night with tennis racquets for protection I finally told dad which has resulted in him becoming a complete recluse and cutting out every single friend from his life. that was around 18 years ago and he still wont allow anyone into his life and I feel guilty every day 😞 my brother has attempted suicide as has my dad and I had a few attempts when I was young.  not want to be around is not a new feeling for me.   iv had my issues with alcohol abuse, iv been binge drinking since i  was 15 and now im 33. I have recently stopped after two incidents in a short space of time a year and a half ago where i got my drink spiked and you can guess what happened next and i also got drunk another time and a taxi driver exposed himself to me and kicked me out of his taxi at 3am on the side of a freeway when i wouldn't do what he wanted and started yelling at him.  I have been in three long term relationships with men i haven't loved or even liked all that much because i was so desperate not to be alone. I stayed waaay too long in these situations because i didn't want to hurt their feelings breaking up wiith them.   i hate my job, im getting bullied at work and i find that i cry most days either at work or on the way home from work. after the drink spiking incident really lost it for a while. i went on antidepressants and i stopped eating because i felt like i didn't deserve food. iv always been a binge eater and my weight can go up and down 20kg quite quickly so not to eat was a huge change for me. everyone kept saying how GOOD i looked but no one once asked why i had lost all the weight or if i was ok. since the drink spiking incident i thought i had turned my life around. I went to counselling and had decided to live my life alone without any man by my side because i don't trust my judgment. everything was going well, i had a great group of friends or so i thought then slowly everything started falling apart. my best friend that i confided to about the drink spiking not only new about it, she was having an affair with the guy who did it behind her husbands back. she sat there and watched me cry and comforted me and the whole time she was betraying me. my work shut the department that i worked in and sent me to another department that is sort of a rival department to the one all my work friends work in (former friends) slowly over the last 8 months they have stopped inviting me to things or talkimg to me and a few have even gone so far as to unfriend me on facebook. Im just so lonely all the time i can go days without talking to anyone. amongst all this before everything went pear shaped i meta wonderful person and we got engaged after around 12 months of being together. I had decided to be alone and well that's when they say it happens isn't it. I love this man with all my heart and its not his fault i feel this way. No one person can ever make someone else completely happy. I want to get better for myself because im tired of feeling like a worthless waste of space but i also want to get better for him (he has no idea about how i feel about myself) because he deserves better than that. He has already had one girlfriend that killed herself and i don't want to burden him with my mental health issues but i feel like i should confess.   to sum it up i hate myself, i feel sick at the thought of going to work every day, i feel too worthless to apply for another job and im just plain exhausted. i truly believe that there is something unfixable and wrong with me that makes it so hard for me to make friends or even like myself. Im tired of being lonely sad and pathetic but i don't know what to do.    

[Mares73]

"is this it" Hi there, I'm so sorry it's taken a while to reply. But I sat down this morning and read your post twice-I related to so much of it and I also felt so much compassion for you and  what you are going through. You seem to be experiencing very typical symtoms of depression-and in your current situation I would describe your depression as serious and in that you are in need of support. I feel for you as I can relate to having days where my thoughts go around and around in my mind, all-consuming, like a voice telling me I am worthless, hopeless, stupid, ugly and pathetic-amongst others. These thoughts can stop me wanting to go out or to face people. The worst but sadly most common reaction from others that affect us is when people say things like "just get over yourself", "stop being so negative", "pull yourself together". These responses from others only make us feel worse and yes it is very hard at times to fight the feelings that overcome us about life not being worth living-but it's the pain and hurt & depression & isolation & loneliness that are causing these thoughts and its those thoughts that you want to go away. If you could get help to deal with those thoughts then your life might seem very different. I know it's very very hard at the moment but you need to know there is a difference between wanting to end your life and wanting to end the painful thoughts and experiences. You have experienced significant abuse, trauma, isolation and loneliness in your life. I can relate to being sexually abused and then ending up in relationships I didn't even want to be in-simply because I felt so lonely and desperate. I've learnt this is a quite common response to abuse and trauma. So are thoughts of self hate (I battle them everyday), feeling worthless and alone. I know you must be feeling lonely, isolated and desperate. I can't say it strongly enough-THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT AN "OBJECT" THAT NEEDS FIXING. YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SEVERE DEPRESSION AS ARE SO SO MANY PEOPLE AND YOU WILL FIND SUPPORT ON THIS SITE. Please consider calling Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 anytime 24 hours. I finally found the courage to call last week and they gave me information on support in my area. Do you have a GP? Can you talk to them? Or could you print out what you have written and ask them to read it as it best describes how you are feeling?  I appreciate you must be exhausted-it takes all our energy and strength to get through each day when life feels this hard. But the most important thing I can probably say to you is that there is "nothing wrong" with you. You are suffering from an illness and you need support ASAP as your at a critical stage. Try and think if someone had a condition like asthma or diabetics that they lived with everyday-people would support them and they would go to a Dr for medical treatment. You are in the same situation except you have a different illness. I wish I could give you a hug as I feel very much for you and wish you weren't on your own-lonely and sad. But you have taken a big, courageous step writing on this forum and if you can just dig a bit deeper to take the next step and see a Dr or similar-you may find that things slowly improve. And yes you will need support and you will find it on this forum. There are also many websites within Australia ie "Blackdog Institute" or "BluePages ANU" or "SANE" or "MindHealthConnect" or " "Mental Health Association" to name a few. There are also self help groups for people experiencing depression called "GROW" and you can find them online under their name. Please take care. Thank you for sharing your story-you are far from worthless and hopeless. You have endured many traumatic experiences, abuse, neglect, isolation and deep pain and and yet you have found the  strength and courage to get to this point in your life. You may not feel like it but you truly are a strong, insightful, amazing person who has so much to offer and deserves to experience some happiness. Mary x

[Mimi7]

God I feel for you. You have been abused and neglected your whole childhood; just as I was. I read your post and thought' this could be me'. I truly believe our horrendous childhoods have left deep scars that may possibly never go away. I also believe you and I can help each other. If you want to please let me know. I send you a big hug xxxx