Complicated life

[Teddas]

I am 47 years old and kind of married. My wife and l live in separate rooms and she says as soon as the kids have gone she is too. Youngest is 11yo so still trying to live this crazy life for a while yet. She is the major money earner as l was a stay at home Dad for 17years raising the kids. Turns out she thinks l did nothing and she blames me for everything. The kids are all with me but try not to play them off against her.

About 4 years ago l got a part time gardening job that doesn't pay much but at least l dont have to beg her for money anymore. Through this job l met a lovely lady and we became great friends. She is divorced with kids and we got along great. one thing led to another and for the past 12 months it has been an amazing relationship.

The she said, as she had stated at  the start, that we are just friends and she is moving on so to speak. Well suffering depression as you all know it doesn't take much to start that downward spiral. I have been stuck in it now for a cpl of months. Every time l think l am coming good l drop further.

My closest person to talk to in all these matters was my Mother who pasted away 18 months ago. 

My doctor says keep busy and the feelings for this woman will go but there are times when that isn't an option be it late at night when l would visit her ( my "wife" travels a lot with work ). I also have to see her at work 3 days a week.

I know we started as friends but presumed we had gone way past that over time, she obviously didn't or for whatever reason got scared it was getting to serious, l dont know.

I have had 3 really goods days after catching up with friend on the weekend and talking about life but went to work and saw her again today and got ignored. Ripped my guts out so left early and home to bed. I understand there is no logic in it. She is not interested in a relationship although l thought we had one but it seems to be a major tipping point for me to head to those dark places we all know.

Snowballs on me, everything jumps on board, bad marriage, low paying job, nearly 50 and no money or future, hate being alone, Mum gone etc etc. then l am here, in bed not wanting to ever get up.

I have been to the edge and back too many times now so am asking for your help. How can l get past this so l can concentrate on getting other things better? Am too old to be crying this much and feeling that even tho l have 4 wonderful children that l am stuffed.

My kids keep me going everyday and l seriously wouldn't be here without them making me laugh.

I look forward to hearing from someone

[geoff]

dear Ted,

Not sure that you done nothing, well you were a stay at home dad, and that's full time job.

Marriages where you both live in separate rooms is not unfamiliar for me, as it happened for the last 2 or 3 years before my ex left me, as both our sons were 18, it's pretty soul destroying and also depressing, which I was anyway.

If only the doctor knew that to keep busy etc you will forget about it, obviously he hasn't lost a girlfriend for a long time, because it never happens this way.

I was interested in a girl at the supermarket and we got on well, but I only saw her there, but she just dropped off, and I don't see her anymore, and I had to cope with this the same way as you have, it's never a nice feeling.

No one is ever too old to cry, hell I have done enough of it and I'm in the late 50's, and I take no shame in doing so.

The only way to overcome this sadness is to find someone else, however I haven't found anyone yet, and because of the strange hours I live I can't have any social life, but that's my problem.

Can I suggest to you that you hooked up to this girl quite quickly, then you shouldn't have any worries.

Just prepare yourself for when your wife is ready to leave you, what you want in the house and start looking around for somewhere to live, maybe it might be with another girl, and don't be surprised if you come home and she isn't there or coming back, and hopefully the house hasn't been cleaned out, maybe you could store your furniture in a shed somewhere else.

I know how you feel, and I'm sorry for you. Geoff.

[Teddas]

Geoff, Thanks for your reply. I have kind of got my head around home life but it is the other woman that has destroyed me.

At home we slowly drifted apart and that can happen but to again feel so loved, so important , so respected for my opinion felt great.

Now that has gone l am not just back to where l started but got further back into those horrible dark places we all know.

I work with the woman 3 days a week and the other 2 l feel ok. Yesterday saw her at work and said l for a really quick hi back. Felt gutted all over again. Been in bed since.

Cant get her or probably the disappointment of it not working out of my head. Know there is no chance with her anymore but cant stop this horrible rollercoaster ride of emotion. 

Am meant to be an adult and feel like a heart broken 16yo again. Like the world ended. It is killing me and l cant stop it.

I suppose when you lump it with depression and a weird home life it just gets all to much.  

[Mares73]

Hi Teddas, your going through a really difficult time and that alone is cause for depression as well as the fact that its an illness you suffer from. It must be so so hard still living with your "wife", especially as your doing it for your kids and in doing so you are sacrificing your own chances for any happiness. It's really sad that you met a woman you felt connected to and she has now decided there is no chance of any relationship between you. You must be feeling very alone and I can relate to your situation in that you are basically sacrificing your own health and happiness for the benefit of your kids. It's heartbreaking when we find someone we feel we could potentially have a happy relationship with-only to end up feeling rejected and more alone than before. That's because you opened your heart to this woman and exposed yourself and then to end up rejected is also to feel hurt and vulnerable for letting her so close to you. I know it doesn't feel possible right now but there is someone out there for you-someone who will love you unconditionally. It can happen when we least e pect it. For you, at the moment, you are experiencing the trauma of a marriage breakdown (which is a very difficult situation for anybody), plus you are grieving for the loss of another relationship. They are two big issues Teddas. I'd estimate you would be likely to feel extreme stress (at your home situation), frustration, anxiety over what's going to happen, pressure at home and then on top of that-feelings of hurt, rejection, loss, sadness and depression at facing the realisation that there is no future with a woman you cared and had feelings for. It's very easy to feel rejected and low self esteem in such a situation. And you are doing amazing to cope with living in the same house as your "wife" when your marriage has no future and you are putting the kids feelings before yourself. That must be a very hard situation. You have done an amazing job bringing up your children and being a stay-at-home dad. Not to many men would cope with that! I may be wrong-but I sense from your message that you have been in a very lonely marriage for quite some time and I can relate to how easy it is to meet and fall hard for someone else when we are craving love, affection and even conversation. You will find this again. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you will meet other people. In the meantime, whilst your riding the waves of depression, please remember your never truly alone and you will find support on here no matter what your feeling. Take care, your in my thoughts and let us k ow how you go over the weekend x m

[Teddas]

Mares, thank you for your kind words. It is truly a rollercoaster ride isn't it? living with depression is strange enough but put more complications into the mix and it is sometimes frightening.

After my first post on here l found the chat room but it all moves a bit fast for a newbie like me. One lady in there suggested that when ever l think of the other woman to tell her in my head to get out, seems to be helping although has highlighted how much l think of her. I see her at work and although am lucky to get a hi she looks happy and enjoying life while l go back to this crappy existence.

Dont get me wrong l love been here for my kids and am very open with the elder ones about what is happening in the marriage and they are very supportive. It is stupid little things that start the snowball and then l am stuffed for days.

Saw the woman at work Thursday and got l belated hi, made me feel less than nothing, "wife" texts at 6 to say not home again that night, 2 in a row and things went from there. The stupid amount say has spent on them for xmas (trying to buy their love ), the cruelness of tell a 14 girls she better get presents for her Dad organised, and on it went.

I fell apart by the time l got home, physically destroyed. I rang my doc and got in next morning but couldn't eat, drink, sleep, vomitting and runs. He says this stress will kill me but how do l stop it.

I look forward and see nothing. My wife as always run the finances and l wouldn't know where anything is and earn so little will find it hard to make it on my own let alone attract anyone.

Seem to just go around in circles and my kids keep me going. Thats meant to be my job.

And stupid;y ; sit here hoping and praying the other woman will get in touch one night......not happening

Mares l remember your post and l said l would love to get in touch and be support for you in those hard times. Not sure how to do that or if its allowed but keep it in mind as although a state away we are on same time so can called if need.

Look forwarded to hearing from you again and hope you are coping

[Teddas]

Mares, I just read over some of the replies to your post and really do hope you can see the light now. It is nice to feel the support of others and l think that is what l miss the most. Someone to just chat with. 

My "wife" isn't interested, my Mum dies and now my friend wont talk to me. I hate being alone. HATE IT!!!