HiI have been diagnosed previously with depression, that was 10 years
ago, but then a couple of years ago the doctor amended it to Anxiety.
However I was trying to explain to my partner what it feels like, as he
is struggling with my mood swings and ...
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HiI have been diagnosed previously with depression, that was 10 years
ago, but then a couple of years ago the doctor amended it to Anxiety.
However I was trying to explain to my partner what it feels like, as he
is struggling with my mood swings and dealing with me. He often asks me
which person he is talking to today, so he can prepare himself. I am a
mother of two children and I am struggling to control these swings and I
feel terrible about it. I was unable to tell him verbally what it is
like and so I wrote it down... "I do not understand myself.Most times it
is like traveling on a well maintained path weaving its way steadily
through a plain landscape, nothing special, and nothing surprising,
covered with yellow wheat and the occasional brightly coloured blossom
to brighten the scenery or misplaced rock that I stumble over.Then all
of a sudden the path lunges in one of two directions. One direction is
alive in hyper-colour excitement. All of a sudden I am on top of a
mountain looking over the world and there is nothing but good things to
look forward to. The pace is fast, the music mesmerising and energetic.
Inspiration for fun and exciting adventures come thick and fast, and the
draw to do amazing and most of the time, hugely expensive things, is
irresistible. I would love to live on top of this mountain, I love the
person I am when I am on top of this mountain, I love people, I love
life and I enjoy every breath I take. It is better than any orgasm I
have ever experienced! However after being on top of this mountain comes
the plummet to the otherside where the sun is blocked out by that very
mountain, I hate it here. My bed is made out of jagged stone, but
getting out of bed seems like a joke. The world is grey and the people
in it are painful to listen to and be around. I am unable to do anything
right and the sub-voice (I call it Vince) lives here. Vince tells me
that I am worthless, I am incompetent and everyone hates me. The mirror
mocks me and Vince laughs at the ugliness he see’s peering at him
through the glass, how anyone could love or even stand to be near such a
hideous creature is proved by the loneliness I feel within this world.
Everything is dulled and I get desperate for some colour, some tingle of
happiness, a scratch and the tickle is the most pleasurable thing I can
imagine. The worst is that this horrible part of me takes over, it wants
to embrace this horrible existence and it pushes to remove everyone I
love from my life while the other part of me is wondering what I am
doing. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be left in this
stagnant pit of misery, but I push him out, I scream at them, I try to
force him to leave forever, I am nasty to all of them, yet at the same
time all I want is for them to hold me and take me back to the top of
the mountain or even the plain wheat field. The biggest loser in the
world plagued by Vince and the thought that maybe leaving or killing
myself would fix all this, but I cling to my kids, and hope that
eventually I will find my way back to the wheat field by myself because
that is the only safe place to be. While every mountain is followed by
the dreadful pit, the pit is not always preceded by a mountain, this is
the second direction. I cannot control this, the journey has been better
in the last couple of years, especially since the new medication, but
the mountain and the pit are always there, they are just further apart
lately. Today I have been in the pit; I didn’t even get to enjoy a
mountain first, so I feel a little ripped off. I hate myself because
there is a sensible part of me that tells me that the things I do when I
am on the mountain and the feelings and things I do and say while I am
in the pit are ridiculous and thoughtless and I cannot afford,
emotionally, financially and physically to keep doing these things, but
it is like a mouse trying to conquer a carnivorous elephant."How do
other people who travel the same or similar paths as me cope?