Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[Jacko777]

Yes, I think you could do some exploring! Interesting about the asian psychologist, what if she is right and you have 'a special gift'?  What do you think she is on about? I think we all have the special gift to give love but it can be hidden behind a mind of negative mental conditioning. If we can pull back the curtains and shine we can help people everywhere, love the unlovable, is there a greater gift?

I think once you jump in the saddle, the path will begin to reveal itself. I have read about the great value of mental understanding and separation from ego, possessions and people. I have thought about who I am were I without these things and it has helped me to be a whole person.

There are meditation strings on this site (search), lots on the web of course. Perhaps start off a bit slowly (!!) with your meditation so you are not ill, you could set an alarm. I really think and hope that you will benefit a lot from this journey and I would love to chat here about it whenever you want. Love Always.

[geoff]

dear James, it's good that your post has still been going, because it's made you feel now that your not weak, and this is the first step of understanding exactly what others have all told you, and of course it's not true that you are.

I'm also pleased that you haven't got OCD totally, because you don't have to, and to answer your question is that over time there were some habits/rituals that I used to do but not any more, but this doesn't mean that I have so much improved, because I have then taken up other ones, but if circumstances change then I can stop them.

I'll give you an example I have just moved residence and there were rituals that I had to perform, but now in the new place I don't do them, and after all these years it's just a common occurrence so I don't get annoyed or frustrated by doing them.

It's really good that you are talking about what concerns you. Geoff.

[CMF]

well now you made me cry 🙂  I try to be nice but some people bring out the worst in me and I try to not be around them but I have no choice.

How long have you been with your partner. Does she understand how you're feeling? Is there a reason why you don't see much of each other 9sorry if too personal here).  its hard to get into activities you enjoy when you feel like this.  I too used to keep my house immaculate but don't care anymore.  I use the excuse that the kids will make a mess again but ti is just and excuse.  when I do make the effort I do feel better I must say.  I feel fresh and free. I have time on my hands too Ive started walking again the last few  weeks, have a nice little coffee shop near home.  I think it is helping when im not so tired I know ishould be doing things I want to do around the house but I cant be bothered.  I know id I did them id feel much better.  I can acknowledge that but I still cant do it.

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

Sorry for making you cry 🙂

I don't mind you asking about my partner, we've been together for just over a year, the reason we don't see much of each other is because I live by myself, and she has her own place with 2 fairly young kids. Due to my work commitments our schedules clash, she can't even just drop over for a night during the week so we only seen each other on weekends. It's because of this I try not to talk about my illness, if I had more time with her I may talk about it with her in more detail, however, Not to take anything away from her but I don't think she really understands what it's like to live with anxiety/depression, she has never suffered from either.

 When we first got together I didn't really have depression that bad, I was getting help and keeping it at a manageable level. She did know about the anxiety but given the fact she's never had full blown anxiety, I guess the only thing she could do was think about the times when she was anxious, things like going for a job interview or getting up to talk publicly, not feeling like you were about to die, I think it's something you have to experience for yourself to fully understand, sure people can be empathic about it.

It wasn't until I had my first full blown panic attack that I realised just how bad anxiety could, it was that bad I could actually see myself as if I'd stepped out of my body, I know that sounds a little weird but it happened and my mind tried to make sense of it, tried to find a logical explanation as to why I could see myself and that ended up being *You must be dead* That sent me so far inside myself I became depersonalised, I think that is probably one of the worst psychiatric conditions anyone can have because you feel nothing, nothing at all. You see the people you love and know you love them with all your heart but you can't feel it, you become a robot, thankfully it only lasted for two weeks. 

I fully understand the feeling of having a clean and in order house, I feel so much more relaxed, I think most people function better with structure even if it is just a house that is organised. Glad to here you're getting out and about, Also that you feel it's helping you. Maybe you should try and do what I did with some help I must add.  Try cleaning just one room, not the whole house, at least you can go look at it and smile 🙂 works for me.

Hope you have a good day.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey Jacko

I'll tell you what the asian psychologist was on about, see told me I was a healer and had psychic abilities that I should be honing, she said it was the energy from all this that was building up inside me making me anxious and lost. She said at some point I was forced by some event or experience to take a wrong turn in my life and move away from what I was put on this earth to do. She was adamant and would right down the names of books that she felt would help me with my *abilities* like I said in a previous post I just thought she was trying to make me feel special and that I did have a place and a purpose.

At that point I was just looking for ways to relive my anxiety, I wanted her to teach me technics to help me with that but she just kept going on about the whole healer/psychic thing so I eventually stopped seeing her and went to see someone else.

Maybe I should explore what she was talking about, she is not the only person that has told me that *rubs chin* Hmmm

Hope you're doing well.

James.

[CMF]

Hey James,

They were good tears. I get the picture now.  I had two kids when I met someone so yeah we only saw each other weekends also and my days off work. the story with my 'new' partner is not great its on another thread. hes just my "friend" now but we have a daughter-long story, but I fully get the position your in. Have you met her kids? I also understand why you don't talk about it much with her seeing as you see each other only weekends but I get that its not easy.  how do you feel on those weekends? is it just the two of you or are his kids there also?

I agree that until you go through anxiety/depression you don't know what it like. Its amazing how people can think its attention seeking, ive been accused of this. oh well.

you should look into your phsycic ability.  I have sensed many things that have happened to me before they've happened. it freaks me out.   as far as taking a wrong turn, I also think we all have a path an on that path we are given choices the choices we make affect what happens next-but everything happens for a reason.  A "wrong" choice teaches us a lesson so is it really 'wrong'? only if we don't learn from it. we may miss something good because of the 'wrong' choice but it will lead us to something else.

I could talk about this fort ages but it will get too long.

look forward to hearing back

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

I hope you are doing well.

Yes I have meet her kids, they are with us most of the time we rarely get time to ourselves but her kids a great, I have kids as well but they are older and have moved out, I still see them but not as much as I would like to. 

You asked how I feel on the weekends, it's good but seems to go too fast.

I have also been accused of attention seeking, it's very disappointing. I would really love to hear about your experiences with premonitions that have actually unfolded, I'm all ears so feel free to let your typing fingers lose 🙂

I believe you are right now I think about it, the really isn't *wrong turns* what you said made a lot of sense, a lot of sense!

You're a good soul, maybe it's you who's the healer ?

James.

[CMF]

Wow,

I never been given a compliment like that before, thank you. I'm a Gemini so it really depends which day you get me on 🙂

its a shame you can't have alone time with your partner, it could open alot of opportunities for you to talk and see each other on a different level but you sound very understanding and respectful of  the situation which is great.

ok, my premonitions- sit tight. might need 2 posts.

1. when I was 17 and finishing high school I couldn't picture anything for the future.  I couldn't see myself turning 18 getting my licence and going out with friends or gettign a job, or anything it was just blank.  I had the feeling something was going to happen to me before I could get to that stage of my life. a few months before I turned 18 my mother and I were involved in a car accident. I was almost killed, in fact the drs told my parents to call anyone that wanted to see me as they didn't expect me to live. well I did live I was in a coma for 4 days suffered 4 broken ribs, concussions and damage to the nerve in my eye.  I was out of action for about 6 months and I can't remember anything for that period of time, just a few bits and pieces here and there. My premonition was right.

next, when I met the new man after my separation he had an ex who was still very attached to him, he was there if she needed him but the relationship was over. she was a thorn in my side for ages. NYE of the year we met my kids were with their dad so I asked him to spend it with me, he kept putting me off saying he had no comitments and didn't want to make plans just yet etc etc right up till a couple of days before.  I asked if he was waiting for a better offer or something else he  said no but I knew he was waiting for something. I had a feeling it was the ex well 2 days before NYE he tellsme he wanted to spend it with  but me his ex lost her bird and was devastated she was meant to go away but cancelled. he felt he couldn't leave her on her own so he left me on my own and went to her. He was waiting to see if she would go away still, he encouraged her to but she wouldn't. I was right again I knew he was waiting for something else, he was waiting to see what she would do.

[CMF]

sorry its so long

3. well the new man and I were travelling along ok however I had a feeling he would do something to  end it before we reached 2 years.  just before this period we really sparked it was just so right and then BANG! out of the blue he accuses me of cheating on him.  its a long long story, you'll find my post under grief, loss and separation.  well we kept seeing each other but it was awful we were ruined. I knew he would do something to end us and again I was right. the thing before this is I also knew I could have another child with him.  I had 2 from my previous marriage but felt I would always have another. one day I finally walked out on him, I'd had enough it was to do with the ex again. a few weeks later I find im pregnant.

I have more to tell but I may be hogging the forum so i'll write again later.

Do you have any premonitions?

[CMF]

oops my second post came up before the first so I may not make sense-sorry