Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[Hopefull_]

Hey Helen,

Thank you for saying it takes strength to get through this as I was beginning to feel weak mentally, my doc told me "women don't respect weakness in a man" 

The fact he said that started to make me think he thought I was weak, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, well I hope he didn't.

He also said I may be under estimating her empathy so I'm a little confused.

So that all makes sense, I was telling him I was reluctant to keep talking about my anxiety/depression for fear of losing her, I know that sounds wrong as if I think she's so shallow and that the thought of being with someone who is depressed is out of the question, it's not that, it's just she's so positive and confident and likes that in other people, she told me.

With regards to medication, I'm not taking an antidepressant, just an anxiety med

I hope all that makes sense.

Thanks.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey Jacko,

Yes I have tried meditating on two occasions, one was a guided meditation after a yoga class I was trying to help with my anxiety. 

The instructor told me I went so far under it took her about 30 mins to bring me out of it, I felt sick after, mind you I did feel like I was part of everything, like everything was one thing it's just our ego's that stop us from seeing it. she said it takes years of practice to get where I got to after one session, but like I said it made me feel ill for quite some time. I tried it again, same thing.

Does it help you ? Do you feel the same way when you meditate ?

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF,

I'm just about to start taking vitamin D, my GP recommended it because I don't really go outside that much anymore. I have set myself a goal of trying to get outside even if it's just for 10 mins, thanks for the tip about the shins, I would have probably been in jeans and a t-shirt.

I've tried so many things, natural things, some of them disgusting, but I've yet to find one that helps me a lot, some of the things I have tried have helped a bit. I really need something to get me out of this darkness at the moment, the anxiety I could sort of deal with, it's the depression thats so hard, I don't even know what I'm depressed about.....!

Again, thanks for the tip and I hope you are all doing well.

James.

[geoff]

dear James, all of what you are saying is OCD related, and just to put you in the picture I've had OCD for 54 years and I turn 60 soon, whereas my twin has never had it, nor has he had depression in any shape or form, which I am so pleased for him.

If you like you could type OCD in the search box and the there should be plenty of discussion that I have had with many people, it would take you awhile to read them all, but never the less you may find them to be very interesting.

This is only dealing with your anxiety, but you also have depression.

There are many times that we never know why we have depression, because there's no explanation.

Your doctor couldn't be so wrong when he said '"women don't respect weakness in a man', how so untrue this is, and what this does is it puts you in a hole so deep so that you have to first get over what he said even before you can tackle your depression.

Please get back to us. Geoff.

[CMF]

Hi,

Definitley try the inositol you buy it from health food shops.  I totally agree with Geoff about your dr being wrong with his comment. How ridiculus and who is this dr to judge like that. its not about respecting or not respecting the 'weakness' its about respecting the person, beside its not a 'weakness', its an 'illness' (can't think of a better word) if you had the flu  would anyone think you were weak? If you had gastro does that make you a weak person? NO. You may be 'sensitive', which is beautiful.  I can see you are a very caring person, she is a lucky woman. We can't control if we get depression/anxiety we just need the proper understanding and support. Vitamin d tablets- good idea. make sure you take them with calcium, say with your morning coffee/tea. it help the absorption.  Do you drink coffee? Perhaps eliminate this. Red meat cooked rare actually is a great antidepressant as well. 

hope your having a better day today.

cmf

[Jacko777]

Hi James,

Your meditation experiences sound fantastic, sounds like you can switch the noise off and meditate deeply and to my limited knowledge it makes sense that you may have moved some stuff around that would make you feel ill, the toxins are on the run.

I would follow up on this if I were you, you have seen the ego for what it is (Yes I have experienced this) and I think you would benefit greatly from more meditation, in the right hands so that you are not so sick. You will find a new level of focus.

[Hopefull_]

Hey Jacko

My experience with meditation was quite different to what you describe, I was totally aware of the sounds around me, it's just they didn't seem like a distraction, they were part of it, dare I say it part of me without and ego.

I've been thinking about what you said and I think I will try again, some time ago I  spent some time with an asian psychologist, she told me my anxiety stems from the fact I'm not using my gift. I stopped seeing her because she was so intent, I thought she was just trying to make me feel special.

Maybe I should explore this some more ? 

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

I'm going to try the inosital, hey I'll try anything to get a little relief. You're right it's not a weakness, it's an illness, it seems mental illness is the only illness you get judged on.

But not here.

I am a sensitive person, maybe a little too sensitive but i'd rather be sensitive and empathic instead of a hard arse. You sound like a really nice person and I appreciate your advice.

Thanks.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

I did reply to your post but it hasn't shown up yet ?

[Hopefull_]

Hey Geoff,

I don't think I have full blown OCD, I think I have OCD tendencies, I looked up OCD and yes I did tick a lot of the boxes but not all, saying that when things are in order and just so I do feel a lot less anxious. I don't know how you've dealt with it for so long, what do you do to ease it ?

You said there are time when there is no explanation for our depression, like I said I don't know why I'm depressed and I don't know why I anxious when for the most part there is nothing to be anxious about ?

I've gotten over the feeling of being labelled as "weak" thanks to you guys, as I said in a post to CMF that still hasn't shown up? It's unfortunate the mental illness is an illness that we get judged on, not by all but some, I guess they see it as being weak but walk a mile in our shoes and see what they say then hey.

I hope everyone has had a good day.

James.