Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[Jacko777]

We are all hearing you James, many of us have similar experiences and you will find lots of support, advice and love on this site. You are not alone.

Obviously you want to change direction, from heading down to heading up. Could you try just a few small actions each day amongst the positive parts of your life. Don't think about it, just go and get in the garden, just start a new piece of art or visit a gallery, try a new recipie. Tick off a few things each day and take satisfaction that you have tried and that you have made changes. As you know, we can't keep doing the same things but expecting different outcomes.

You have been up and down before, what things helped you to feel up?

[White_Rose]

Hello James

It's good that you have posted here. We will do our best to help you.

You have said that depression and anxiety are not new to you. Have you had any professional help in the past? I know it's easy to say go to the doctor but not necessarily easy to do. It seems from your post that you are getting to a dark place and would benefit from some face to face help.

Thirty years is a long time to manage depression on your own. Do you have any family or close friends? I live on my own and understand the problems with this lifestyle. Having loving people around makes life a great deal easier.

Do you have much information about depression? I ask because Beyond Blue has many resources you can access. Just explore the tabs at the top of the page.

Lack of motivation is a huge indicator of depression and one that can be difficult to manage. As Jacko has said, small bits at a time. Washing the dishes can seem like a mountain, especially when they are going to get dirty again. So pick your jobs, the ones that will give you satisfaction when they are completed.

One thing I enjoy is sitting outside on my patio with a coffee and a good book. My concentration is often not good but I feel better for sitting there with a book in my hand and an occasional glance at the pages. Fooling myself? Yes, but it works. Absorbing sunshine through your skin is good for helping with depression and it takes little energy. Going for a walk is better but start with sitting in the sun.

Have you retired or are you still in paid employment? Having a regular job is good for us whether or not we get paid for doing it. It gives structure to the day and motivation for getting out of bed in the morning.

That's enough for now. Please reply to us and if you would like to, tell us more of your story.

Warm regards

LING

[Hopefull_]

Thanks guys for your replys and your advice. The problem I have at the moment is I have no goals, no career aspirations, nothing to look forward to. I think I will try to set myself some goals, you have made me realize they don't have to be big goals, just things like mowing the lawn or cleaning one room, not the whole house. 

I do have a new job, well not so new I've been there for about eight months and I think I'm doing a pretty good impersonation of myself if you know what I mean..........so, I don't think they know what I'm going through. The anxiety I have also learnt to hide quite well after having dealt with it for so long, however, I wish It would leave me, it's not a very heathy relationship we have, sure we got alone at the start but now

I' m done with it.......STUPID ANXIETY !!!! you know thats probably my least favourite word....Anxiety, such a stupid word can control someone whole life. 

I have sought help for my problems and I have talked and talked until I felt like I have nothing more to say, it kinda sucks because in spite of all the help I've had I still feel the same, so it makes me feel more hopeless. I take medication for

my anxiety and it helps take the edge off, and allows me to function somewhat.

I do have a partner but we don't see much of each other, maybe once or twice a week, she's a really positive person so I try not to talk about my problems with her for fear of losing her, I know that sounds as if I think she's "conditional" but she isn't, I just don't want to bring her down.

I have way too much time to myself, maybe I should shout myself a comfy deck chair and a good book, I lay in bed for most of the morning because I don't start work until after lunch, I look outside and see what I'm missing out on. My first goal is to spend some time in the sun before work, even just a couple of days.

Thanks guys.

James. 

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[geoff]

dear James , I think that you have OCD from the comments that you have stated, which is caused by anxiety,

Just like to know how you feel about this, and will reply back to you after we hear from you. Geoff.

[Hopefull_]

Hey Geoff,

You may be right about the OCD because ever since I've stopped adhering to my routines I have felt more and more depressed, it feels like it's too far gone, i've let it get away from me. I used to have a place for everything,  now I'm lucky if I even open my mail let alone sort it into categories. 

I feel so lost.

[HelenM]

I keep trying to post a reply

[HelenM]

Hi Blackbox

You are going through such a hard time. But you're working and that shows incredible strength given what you're going through.

Do your tablets help with depression. Maybe it'd be worth seeing if you can get help with that. As well as my other meds I take a mood stabiliser. People tend to think this is just for bi polar but it can be used in 'ordinary' depression as well. It stops me going down too far and seems to be very effective. There are a number of them about these days and most have few side effects.

You feel hopeless - you're not. With help things will improve. I often feel as though I've  failed but it takes enormous strength to cope with depression/anxiety. My husband says 'depression makes you weak and forces you to be strong'. I don't know if that makes sense.

Take care, Helen

[Jacko777]

Some time in the sun sounds like a good goal James and as you say, some small goals each day, things that you can achieve and will give you some satisfaction. It is what you do every day that makes the difference. You mentioned art, what do you like to do? Even a few brush strokes will help you.

Do you ever try meditating James? 

[CMF]

Hi

im sorry you're feeling so crappy. I can relate. I think your depression is overtaking your anxiety at the moment. 

ive read all the posts to you they're all great. I have a few suggestions to add. Vitamin d is very important. As LING suggested sitting out in the sun does wonders. the body part through which vitamin d is absorbed is the shins! Yes between the knee to the feet so make sure this area is exposed. Also read up on a sugar called inositol. It helps with anxiety, is all natural. It may take a week or so to notice the difference. I had a bad morning and I hadn't taken mine. I took it around lunch time and I'm heaps better now. Dandelion tea is also a good antidepressant, look into it. 

How long have you been with your partner. Does she understand how you're feeling?