I let my Social Anxiety ruin my birthday

[CherryOnTop]

I have depression and severe SAD. I spend most of my time worrying about what other people think of me and the rest of it comparing myself to others unfavorably. There are certain people in my life that I idolise and nothing matters more than what they think of me. No I don't have that kind of attraction for these people but I want to be considered their friends. I am in CBT. It's hard because my appointments are sparse and a worry about what my therapist thinks. 

For 3 months I badly wanted to try the new cycle classes at the gym. I have so few things in my life that make me happy and I have my hopes desperately pinned on this. But I really look up to the instructor .It's stupid because I barely know them. I go to their classes at another gym and I'm scared they think I'm a stalker. They even said I should go once. I said no out of embarrassment. Sure enough the next time it was on I didn't go into the studio. Every week at the right time I go to the gym thinking I'm going to go because I'm a paying customer with every right. I know it will make me so happy. Or maybe he'll ask me again and I'll accept, knowing my presence is not creepy. Every week I chicken out. Then I cry miserably, listening to others having fun while I'm excluded and also because it's my fault. This has been going on for 8 weeks. It's becoming a very painful cycle. Every week when the issue comes up I tell myself not to go at all and it will be a different duller pain. Then I think it shouldn't be an issue and I have a right to go. Or that this week might be the week I get asked again. 

Like every year, today I wanted my first happy birthday in a long time, like everyone else has.  But it's always a non event. I spent the day home alone. I have no friends. My parents care but it's not enough when you're an adult. So I was determined to go to class today. It was the one thing that I could use myself to make today special.  I knew that if I didn't go through with it I would be even more miserable than normal so I figured I'd do it. But in the moment my phobia was more important than not being miserable and I just stood hopefully hoping someone would ask me to come- they didn't. I cried my heart out and had a panic attack. 

How do I break this cycle? This is just one example of the many pleasures and accomplishments I deny myself because of my SAD. I know I'll regret it when I'm older. This seems like an achievable first step to break. If I break this one maybe I can work on others 

[HA1]

Hi CherryOn Top

I think I have already welcomed you on another posting you made?  But anyway, welcome to BB and than you for your post. 

Many on here will understand exactly what you are feeling.  In my case alone, I guess I can tick all the fears that you have mentioned.  Worry what people think about me, birthdays (always wanted one, never had one), and the stalking! I start worrying about this even if I just walk past the same person twice in the shopping mall!!  So, all I wanted to say here is that, we can indeed understand where you are coming from, you are not alone with these feelings. 

Going to the gym is good.  But with anything that you try in overcoming your SAD, don't place too high expectations on yourself.  I go to the gym all the time, not ready to join in any classes yet though.  Small baby steps are big achievements also.

Am I correct in assuming you are on medication - how are these going for you? You have also started CBT - good luck with that.  I am about to start CBT, and still a bit concerned about what to expect.

Take care, 

K

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

How old are you?

You can't rely on other people inviting you.  Since you declined last time, they might think you don't want to go, and they might think they'll annoy you by asking again.  Or they might feel anxious themselves about inviting you.  So I think you should ask them yourself.  I know it might seem scary, but sometimes it's necessary to do scary things in order to get stuff done.  You could ask them over the phone or in a message, which might be less stressful for you.

I have a habit of building up worries in my head, too.  Practise getting yourself out of your head.  When you notice yourself feeling and thinking those dumb, cyclical, anxious things, stop and pay some attention to the world, instead.  The colours, the smells, the tactile sensations, the sounds around you.  It can be a little like doing a reboot.

Happy birthday! 🙂

If you still want a birthday get-together, just tell people your birthday happened but you were busy, and you can invite them to a get-together at the weekend instead.

[Quiet_One]

Hello CherryOnTop,

I have experienced social anxiety like you throughout my life.  Last year, for example there was a Christmas party I went to and didn't know anyone 

and I was too scared to make new friends.  Now I have overcome my fears. Last week I was down at the beach

doing yoga.  I didn't care if anyone saw me or judged me.  I'm an introvert not an extrovert by any means.

I'm glad that you are doing CBT and I hope that helps.  I'm sure that you can overcome all of your fears 

and limiting beliefs.  

Authenticity and compassion