This time tomorrow I will be bracing myself for lunch with a group full
of strangers that I have committed myself to spending the next four and
a half months with, four days a week. If I make it through the preceding
three hours of class, that is.The...
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This time tomorrow I will be bracing myself for lunch with a group full
of strangers that I have committed myself to spending the next four and
a half months with, four days a week. If I make it through the preceding
three hours of class, that is.The lunch part might actually be more
scary that the class part, because it is unstructured social time, where
I am required to participate in a normal capacity and make an effort
towards establishing some degree of social exchange with a view to
forming new relationships.In class I can listen and learn and respond
and have a narrow window in which to participate, which confines my
margin for error and allows me to limit my eye contact in a socially
acceptable way. There is barely any chance for me to get wound up and
burst into tears and flee, running until I find myself somewhere not too
far away, still crying, hyperventilating and vomiting in an alley near
by.I won’t have to pull my hair until the pain grounds me, until I stop
retching and shaking and crying, and I can gather myself and return home
in disgrace, where I will have to use the internet to send emails
withdrawing from my course, cancelling after-school care for my child,
informing the government that I am no longer eligible for the financial
assistance related to study, requesting unemployed designation once
more, making appointments to see another job-pimp, booking more sessions
with my GP, psych-man etc.I won’t have to collect my child from school
and explain to him that something happened and I won’t be doing the
course after all, but I will try even harder to get a job because things
are getting really desperate on the money front at home.No, the class
part should be fine, it’s mostly lunch that concerns me. Unless of
course, I say something awful and offensive and personal and stupid in
class. And I am determined not to do that. It is bad enough that I will
arrive as I am, obviously poor and a bit unkempt and wearing the only
clothes I have that fit, maybe older than the other students, and with
more qualifications but less experience and usefulness and potential for
employment. I will be the fat, awkward, poor, old, sweating, anxious one
at the back, grinding her teeth and trying not to broadcast craziness.I
know that sounds like a pessimistic and self-pitying forecast, but it is
rooted in reality and actually a significant improvement from two years
ago, when I was all those things, but housebound and quietly suicidal
and with a number of other issues I am too ashamed of to admit here
today.Tomorrow will be my first day of putting into practice a plan I
made last year to address my crippling social anxiety and depression,
and develop a regular productive routine outside of the house. I really
do want to make new friends, restore my confidence, achieve measurable
results in an endeavour comparable to a real job, so that in July I can
try again to win employment and be a responsible adult and parent and
peer amongst my small group of friends.I am so sick of being sad and
angry and ridiculous and pathetic, of embarrassing and annoying and
exhausting my close friends and family. I have spent years being
unemployable, unreliable, untidy, unpresentable and unlovable.This year,
and the the years that follow, I am going to get up everyday, get
dressed and do something about it. I am crying and typing now, in
anticipation of this seemingly massive undertaking that begins tomorrow,
and I am worrying about lunch and class and the pressure of it all. But
my alarm is set for 7am, and I have a plan and it is a good one. I am
putting all this out there today for three reasons, the first being that
I need to articulate my concerns and evaluate them in order to stem my
tears and break up the negative feedback loop that undermines my
perception of nearly everything in life, and perpetuates my misery.The
second reason is that I know I am not the only one out there with
anxiety/depression issues, with an unrelenting sense of desperation and
isolation, who is already buckling under various pressures of life, and
preparing to return to study in the next few weeks. I am unable to
qualify what my experience might mean to others like me, but I think my
contribution might mean something to someone feeling the same.Lastly, I
am inviting anyone out there who has overcome or is successfully
managing anxiety/depression or other issues of desperation, to please
reply with advice and strategies I could put into practice tomorrow and
the days after that. So, do you have something to say, or offer me as I
prepare to venture out into the real world again?
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