How do I deal with my social anxiety

[Perkin]

Hi all, I've gotten to a point where I'm no longer terrified of meeting new people and want to do stuff like join book clubs And interact  but the problem is that the stress of this new social situation makes me shut down so I find it hard to talk. The one group that I am a part of I've been going to b for 4 years and have definately come out of my shell more but part way through a conversation my brain decides I've had enough socialising and I find it hard to keep interacting. Anyone else have this problem?

[Amali]

Hi Perkin,

Yes I have the same problem, I have terrible social anxiety at work, I have been in this job for 3 years and I still have to force myself to go to staff morning teas. Sometimes I don't go at all to save me that dreaded uncomfortable feeling. 

I feel I don't have much to say, and like you said my brain seems to switch off and I feel safer not interacting with anyone.

I don't have a problem talking with family and friends and in other situations where I feel I have more common ground with people.

I over think what i'm going to say before it comes out of my mouth so I feel as if it comes across as forced and not a natural conversation.  

A counsellor told me that I have to stop assuming what people are thinking, because I'm scared of something that may not even exist. 

Like yourself I have definitely come out of my shell but somedays I just shutdown and don't want to face them.

[JessF]

Yep, when you've had enough, you've had enough. I think you've got the right idea though, it's like getting into a pool and slowly walking from the shallow end into the deep end. Or when you want to run a marathon, you start by just walking round the block. When you're going out and trying to get used to a new bunch of people, just say to yourself I'll stay for 20 minutes, and if you feel like staying longer then great, if not, then go. The more you do it, the more comfortable you'll eventually get.

[Lillybell]

Hi Perkin, I've always suffered with social anxiety. I'm now 49 and have finally accepted myself for who I am. I'm never going to be the life of the party, though sometimes I will be the one to get it started! I am more like a sponge in group situations. I take it all in, chip in every now and then, and  reflect back later.  I was watching a talk recently by someone speaking about introverts and how necessary we are. Some of the greatest minds through history were introverts. (I'm not one of them!). They didn't talk about their discoveries endlessly because they were busy thinking about them. 

We live in a world of group everything which means that the quiet introspective individual feels that there is something wrong with them if they're not talking or interacting all of the time. Extroverts thrive on group interaction, whereas introverts can get exhausted by it. I am always left exhausted after a major event with a lot of people and all I want to do is be alone the following day. I need time to recover. At one time I would have thought there was something wrong with me and I would be comparing myself to all of the more vocal people. Now I'm happy just to be me.

[Perkin]

Hi all, thanks for replying to my post. Yes I think a big part of this is acceptance of who you are.and I know what you mean TD when you say to not assume what others think.  But I also think that there is another, more difficult step. If someone else doesn't like you, so what? I'm working on that step myself.  It's best not to spend too much time assuming what others are thinking but there are certain body language cues you can pick up on. In fact I think that the reason interacting is so tiring is because I'm constantly picking up all of the non verbal information as well as trying to listen to what they are saying. If the verbal and non verbal information I'm getting from someone is clashing then things get confusing.

I've only recently realised this and I think if I give myself time to get used to it things might get easier.  Does anyone else know what I mean?

[Amali]

I know what you mean! I discovered through some counselling that my "non verbal" cues could actually falsely represent how I am feeling. For example I want to be included and open to conversations but my body language said otherwise by folding my arms across my body. I do that a lot out of habit and didn't realise that it could be taken as a sign that I don't wish to be spoken to.

So I think there is definitely a correlation between body language and how people interpret you but I also think that it's easy to read too much into it or "over-think" what people are thinking and feeling. 

So i guess my point is that I could be the person you mentioned in which their body language doesn't match their personality or verbal cues. Doesn't mean I don't like you, it could mean quite the opposite. I agree this can be confusing as you said Perkin.

[Perkin]

I know what you mean too.  Many years ago, when I was feeling the worst I would wonder why I got dirty looks from people if I happened to look their way on the train or street. I wasn't staring I would just glance around as most people do. Then I caught my reflection in a window and saw I was scowling.  It was how I felt inside but I had no desire to project it and actually scowl at people. And I probably wouldn't read your folded arms as not liking me. I'm talking about people with big smiling mouths but eyes that aren't smiling. I'm not saying that everyone must enjoy talking to me, that's a bit too much to expect. But why do they keep on talking to me? They aren't enjoying, I'm not either, but an attempt to cut it short feels rude. But you are right about over thinking.  Probably about 90% of my problem.

[JessF]

Oh god Perkin I've done the same thing. The first time i got a new phone that has one of those front facing cameras in it, I turned it on and my scowling face was looking back at me. I didnt even know I was doing it! First thing I thought of was the old saying 'if the wind changes you'll stay like that'. Then I thought 'looks like it's too late!' But i think that body language and being comofrtable happens naturally when you are feeling comfortable inside.  I hate fake conversations too.  Easiest way to get out of them at a social function is to say you have to go to the toilet.  

[Perkin]

I've been known to hide in the toilet reading my book.

[feathers]

has anyone been diagnosed with aviodant personality dosorder if so how was it diagnosed.