Have you forgiven yourself?

[Scotchfinger]

There are things I find hard to even admit to myself, let alone tell a bunch of strangers on a forum. Not jailable offences but still things I am in no way proud of.

I think for some of us, guilt is like a chronic disease. it erodes our soul. It makes us think we need to keep suffering in order to pay for our sins. And it affects our relations with people in a negative way. So I can't just say I've been a victim in life because I've also been one who has caused others pain and anguish. I don't need to hear your sins, just the fact that you continue to suffer guilt like me.

[Durras]

Hi Moonstruck,

My heart goes out to you and tears I cry for you as I read your post.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I have a teenage daughter and wasn't there for her enough and wish I could change the past and handle things differently. I too was drinking way too much and still am dependent on alcohol thou not drinking as much but yes still dependent on it.

I wish I could give you some advice but sadly I am having great difficulty myself as I don't know, I am lost too

Too Mummybee

Yes I agree we all do say sorry to often, to let you know I say it as I say thank you often which I always mean.

I do mean my sorry each time, like I say big hugs that I mean.

I have always needed to or felt like I have to apologize, say thanks, or ask for reassurance so then I know I am not hurting the person I am talking to.

Like Sherie said yeah I guess thou for everyone it is different. I just wanted to let you know where I am coming from.

Durras

[geoff]

dear SF, well such great replies to a very good point.So many different replies to answer to so I'll just say what I have to say.

My ex -wife never ever said sorry to me over our 25 year

[Neil_1]

Dear Moonstruck

Thank you so much for being able to share your post and the guilt that you feel – it’s such an awful emotion and it hurts us internally really badly.  It’s a very hard thing to describe, but I sense your stress with it through your post.

I too would like to back up what Blue Water said in response and would like to add a little myself as well.

Back when your boys were 9 & 7, you were faced with raising them by yourself and being subjected to a relationship break-down, legal ramifications of that, to be able to keep your little family cared for and looked after.  Love would never have been an issue;  it would be unconditionally there – but you still had to do the providing for and caring, nurturing and I could write so much about all that it would fill up my word quota.  I do hope you get an idea of just how massive a task it was that you had to carry out – “on your own”.   Think on that for a while.

Now fast forward to now – and re-read all the amazing attributes that your two men have.  These things are not just handed out to any child as they grow up – it comes from the parenting and how they are taught, treated, looked after, etc etc.

You wrote you can’t get those years back and though I cannot change the guilt that you suffer, I just would like to say, that I don’t think you need to have that thought.  As your boys have turned into brilliant young men and it’s very clear that they have made you proud with how they’ve turned out.  That result is based on how you brought them up – taught them right from wrong, good from bad, etc.

I say, you performed a very hard and difficult task absolutely bloody brilliantly.

But I do hear you loud and clear – it’s always nice to hear reassuring words, etc, but at the end of it, the guilt that we feel, that we live with is deeply embedded and the living with it on a daily basis is no fun at all.  I wish I could change things – I know I would not make the same decision as I did, all those years ago.

Kind regards

Neil

[Moonstruck]

....Thank you to all who have replied so lovingly to me.....what a great bunch of people on this Forum.

 And Neil....you don't know how much your words meant to me..no-one...no-one....has ever told me those things before! I think I've been needing to hear someone say that for SUCH a long time!  To see it put into words I can read as many times as I need to...is a great gift......luv and peace to you - thanks!

[Neil_1]

Dear Moonstruck

I’m so pleased that you found everyone’s responses to you helpful – and I’m really stoked that you found the words I wrote to you so wonderful for you.

But you know, I’m in the process of bringing up my two children – 17yo and 15yo – and for us now, the going is getting much easier as they age.  We spend some awesome times together and we’re really super pleased with how they are developing into young adults – and leading up to now, the journey has been nervous, tense, stressful, worrying that they will turn out ‘ok’.  Signs are good, so far so good.

So I know how much it should mean to a parent especially when they will get a bit older and things continue to be excellent.  But you’ve gotta know that you’ve been the catalyst behind all that – you’ve put in the hard yards, the worry, the stress, the tension, etc, you get my gist.  And you know, that no-one can take that from you – that is one hell of an amazing achievement and one you should be damn proud of.

Just wanted to send this to you again and do hope that you can hang around and post more on here – especially with all that you’ve achieved with your parenting success – I reckon you could be a very valuable person in dealing out good advice to others in need.  Just a thought.

Neil

[Moonstruck]

  Thanks for your encouragement and such kind words Neil......Me? A help to others with parenting advice ?- the mind boggles.  (I have posted quite a few times now on other topics....but never with parenting advice...aaaargh)

I can only conclude it's a sort of miracle my boys turned out OK....but it wasn't all plain sailing by any means - no Happy Family Brady Bunch TV sitcom thing - there were ghastly times that cause that "mother guilt" that gets the better of me sometimes when I revisit the memories......and here's another thing, that I wonder if every mother feels...or just me, because of their hard childhood.....even now they've become adults...I still feel the need to "fix" any problem in their life....whether in relationships, marriage, jobs, bad decisions and choices.....anything at all..I feel it's "my fault" for not giving them the perfect childhood....and I want to "fix it, make it better..protect them"....but of course they are their own men now..and all I can do is "BE there - if they need me (without intruding) LOVE them unconditionally"..and to stay well myself...they need to know their Mum is OK too.....

.I realise my heavy drinking made things worse for them  and as they grew older they worried about my health. I had to give up alcohol and coming up to my 3 year anniversary without a drink!!! (another miracle - how did THAT happen - I'd LOVE a few cold beers  on this hot day and if I try hard, can almost "smell" a scotch on the rocks!)......anyway I digress..........I don't take any credit for how the boys turned out Neil...but I thank God and the Universe that they still love me....

There is a line in famous playwright Neil Simon's movie "Only When I Laugh"  (I've said it to my younger son actually - sort of private joke between us)...It's  when the dead-beat mother says to her well adjusted teenage daughter "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."

[Scotchfinger]

)...It's  when the dead-beat mother says to her well adjusted teenage daughter "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."

Classic! Love it!

[Moonstruck]

Glad you liked it SF....there are plenty more where that came from...Neil Simon is Brilliant!!  Quite a few of his plays were made into movies....as well as Only When I Laugh (starring Marsha Mason) she was also in Chapter Two, and The Goodbye Girl...(she also married him, so must have appreciated his sense of humour and way with words too). Another favourite of mine is California Suite (with Maggie Smith, Michael Caine, Jane Fonda, Alan Alda)......I thoroughly recommend them if anyone is feeling particularly "down" or needing a break from searching for "the meaning of life" as I believe you have embarked upon?

(I am beginning to  sound like Neil Simon's PR person aren't I?) 

[Scotchfinger]

I'm a big fan of Woody Allen, his neurotic monologues. One of my favorite is Hannah and her Sisters. I think he is a good antidote for depression.

[Moonstruck]

  Yeah....old Woody, a self-admitted famous depressive  was constantly searching for meaning..and I agree with you..Hannah & Her Sisters is terrific...what amazing one-liners!  I love his Jewish Dad's reply when Woody was seeking answers to everything tragic in life....e.g. "Why were there Nazis?"

his father replies "How the hell do I know why there were Nazis?  I don't even know how the can-opener works!"