Anxious, Alone and Depressed...Hi, I'm new here.

[Jiminy_Clickit]

Hi all. I have just visited this site for the first time today after a recommendation from a friend. I’ve been having a terrible time recently, with what I suspect is both Anxiety and Depression. Reading information on this site, I have symptoms of both, and I am going to see a GP tomorrow.

I’m 28, and have been feeling down for many years, albeit at a manageable level. Apart from trouble sleeping, I’ve never had many friends and absolutely no luck with girls - the biggest thing that I regularly feel depressed and think about at night time. Most wouldn’t know I suffer like this - I manage to put on a smile at work and at the few social events I go to. I go to the gym a few times a week, enjoy outdoor activities, and travel regularly.

Recently it has all become a bit too much. A new store manager at work, who is perhaps unqualified for the job, has made my work unbearable. There is a lot of extra workload on myself and the other assistant manager that wasn’t there previously, and some of his other habits are causing a lot of stress in the workplace - not just for myself and the other assistant, but all of the staff. I now dread going to work each morning, and sometimes physically feel like I want to vomit on the way.

In contrast to this, but another cause of anxiety and insomnia, is the new girl at work. I fell for her the minute she said Hi, in a way I’ve never fallen for anyone before. Normally too shy to approach any girl for a date due to nothing but rejection in the past, I asked her out within a week. She said she's just come out of a serious relationship, and isn’t in the headspace for dating. It’s been two months now, her exams are over (causing her a lot of stress) and now all I think about is how and what I should do with her outside of work to win her heart. I’ve read through a bunch of posts in this forum and nearly all of them mention how lucky they were to have a supportive partner, or that they felt they were pushing one away. It seems almost impossible to start a new relationship with these struggles. We get along great though, and she does seem interested in spending time together - which terrifies me. Hanging out alone with the most amazing girl I’ve met in 28 years and not knowing if she’s emotionally available yet or not keeps me awake. I think having someone in my life with a positive attitude and a big smile who makes me feel wanted would help a lot - it’s something I’ve never had before, and we all deserve to be loved don’t we?

[White_Rose]

Dear Jiminy

We sure do need to be loved. Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I think the only way you will know if she wants to go out with you is to ask her. I'm not very good at reading signs in people and being able to decide if another person was interested in a date or not. The only alternatives are to ask, or spend your life wondering.

An observation here. Do you want to go out with her because you think she can help you, or because you simply want to be with her? Relationships are about being with the other person, not about what they can give you.

With your other problem, I'm not sure what you can do other than making a formal complaint to the organisation. This can be a very difficult process and can cause all sorts of difficulties so you need to be careful. Do you have a union? What is your company's policy on making complaints and on workplace harassment?

This is a short message of encouragement as I really need to get off-line and sleep.

I hope you will be able to reply.

Mary

[Embracing_Tiger]

I hear you, Jiminy. I get a mixture of anxiety and low self-worth if I am attracted to someone. These feelings stop me from creating a relationship that is more than friends.  I think that you can get better if you're single. Though I'm sure having more supportive people (or pets) in one's life is good for building mental resilience. It's great that you are taking some action by seeing your GP. 

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time at work.

ET

[Mummybee]

Hello Jimmy,

It sounds to me like you are already doing a great job of building a relationship with this girl, while keeping her emotional state in mind, and I'm sure she can see that. I would suggest you just keep slowly building that relationship and see how things progress over the summer.

it certainly does help to have a supportive partner, but I don't think you should rely on her to make you better. If you really like her as much as you say, I would be doing everything you can to help yourself before starting a relationship with her. Use the time you have now to see your GP, and depending on what they recommend, seeing a psychologist to help you help yourself. If you launch into this relationship with the expectation that she will make all your troubles fade away, I worry that things will crumble.

There is a terrible old saying "you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you". It's not the best but I think in this case you will have a better chance at a lasting relationship with this new girl if you know you aren't relying on her to prop up your mental health.

mummybee 

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Jiminy,

I had a conversation with my psychologist recently about some things I'm anxious about.
I mentioned to him that I had been considering waiting till I didn't feel so bad before facing them. But that I also realised that the feeling wouldn't really go away, I wouldn't really feel better, until I faced the fear.
I guess what I'm saying is that you can't hide away from life waiting for everything to be perfect. If there is something or someone that you think can make you happier, then sometimes it can be uncomfortable but you can't shy away from it.

It can be so hard to know if someone is interested, or ready. I know I used to always beat myself up wondering and eventually nothing would happen and the object of my affection would find someone else and I'd be left with what-ifs. It sounds like you have a great foundation and are maybe building to something more.
You don't need to rush to an answer, you sound like you're already doing the right things.

I'm sure you'll get some good help tomorrow at the GP. Understanding your anxiety will be helpful and learning some things to deal with it too.

[Lost8]

Hey mate, really feeling for you at the moment, seems you're in a tough place. My suggestion is " slow and steady wins the race" I think you're doing the right thing now by seeing your gp and not pressuring your girl into anything too quick.

My wife has just left me after 30 years together, and one of the reasons was my depression. It's been 3 months now, she has another man and she has told me she can't deal with my emotions anymore, so I have to look elsewhere for help or risk losing  her friendship forever. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you really can't rely on someone else to make you feel better, you probably should " find yourself" first and "love yourself" before you can give your all in a relationship. I found out the hard way. 

Maybe your gp might discuss medication or counseling to help you, but with your girl,make sure you're right to give her 100% of you and the rest should come naturally. I'd hate for her to think you rely on her to help you like my wife did!!!

Welcome mate, and all the best. Peter

[Jiminy_Clickit]

Thanks for all the replies guys! Sorry I've not checked this sooner. I guess I, like a lot of people these days, forget about these things unless my phone pings me with an alert. Guilty as charged.

To everyone commenting about the girl - I can assure you I don't want to be with this girl because of anything she can give me, and just want to be with her for the same reasons anyone else gets into a relationship. I enjoy her company, laugh a lot with her, and care for her. I guess she was weighing heavily on my mind when I wrote the first post - just as she is today. I saw her yesterday morning for coffee for the first time since before christmas, as she has just spent the last few weeks backpacking around Myanmar, she told me she's moving to New Zealand for around 5 months...this friday! I'm having a hard time processing that, but it's not forever and she'll be back (hopefully) soon.

As for myself...the GP put me on some medication for anxiety for a month after my original post here, and I have since started some mild anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago. I guess they're helping a bit, I'm not really sure how long they take to have their full effect. I'm also not really sure how I'm supposed to feel on them - still having the existing issues and stresses that were/are making me feel down and stressed...how happy am I supposed to get?! I guess time will tell.

I'm not taking any counselling yet, my GP hasn't suggested it and has asked me to visit again a month into this medication to see if it's working or not, the go from there. Apart from the news about the Girl yesterday morning, I'm not doing so bad though. I'm tolerating work a bit easier (by dropping my expectations and not caring quite so much) and I've booked a trip to Nepal for April to look forward to. Training for that is motivating me to get outside and be more active (I'm not using a porter or a guide) even if friends are too busy to join me. Perhaps three weeks of solitude in the himalayas will be good for my mind and soul!

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Jiminy.

 It seems like you're in a better place now. Travel can be good for the soul, sometimes not. 

I just wanted to briefly talk about meds. I'm concerned when you said "how happy am I supposed to get?!" Each person has different results from different meds. The medical community just doesn't know enough about mental ill health and medications, unlike physical illness. I take meds for my mental health - I find that they help me manage better my overall mood, but they don't make me "happy". I find a lot of people think that meds are going to cure their situation so easily, and then get disappointed when it doesn't get better. My meds are but one part of my recovery strategy, along with lifestyle changes, therapy, etc, etc, etc. I hope that these meds work for you.