Dear Ramdom~
I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum, a friendly place with gentle people who have been though hard times so have some idea of what you are trying to cope with.
Your parents are of course a big thing in your life, but so big they need to be pleased wiht you all the time -or so you believe. This means when you do something they might not like it causes you to have bad reactions.
It took a fair bit of courage to tell your mum you self-harmed, and while it's true her presence has held you back from starting again, as you say yourself your thoughts are always about it.
Strong thoughts also about your body image and how you would like to change.
These problems you face are huge ones, and I think you are expecting too much of yourself to think you can handle them wihtout assistance - which I guess is why you came here really.
OK anxiety, panic attacks, self harm and eating problems need a specialist who knows what needs doing -in cooperation with yourself. The way to get that is normally to start with an extended consultation with a GP, and then be referred on for therapy and maybe medication.
Anxiety can be brought under control, my anxiety condition basically ruled my life, but now is so much less I can live easily with it and have a life I enjoy. No more panic attacks, hardly any harmful thoughts. This came about due ot therapy, medication and the support of my family which is why I suggest it for you.
It may be difficult to organize the visit to the GP, I guess it might be a question of how much your parents can understand - I would expect they would try hard for you.
If you want to start off just by yourself and work up from there I'd suggest two places you can contact in private
The Kids Help Line is open 24/7 and lets you use text or voice, whichever you prefer. They can be a real comfort, are knowledgeable and realistic, they do not judge anyone but instead understand the problems young people have.
You sound a lovely person facing hard times, you are well worth the effort to make you feel so much better.
The other is the Butterfly foundation, open 8am to midnight every day with phone, chat or email. They are very familiar with eating disorders - that's their reason for being there - and can be a big help, again friendly and realistic.
Frankly when I was at my worst I simply could not believe the improvment I've made. However iti s true -and as I was a mess I'm sure you can have a much better life too.
I really would like to hear how you get on - provided of course you feel like saying
Croix
