I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[gmc]

Hello Geoff,

I sometimes hate myself for feeling like this, even if I don't say it to anyone... But there was a lot going on lately that changed a lot of my perspectives...

I guess this forum, now, and my colleague are my best opportunities and the best time to learn to say "thank you".

When I was a kid, I was worse, I was told even by my mom to be very savage because of that.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Always awesome to hear from you.  You know I’m still amazed just knowing you’re in some other country on the other side of the world, and yet you’re on here.  How brilliant is technology.

Now with this latest post – what Geoff advised with regard to favours – someone does something for you – hey, that’s great, brilliant, awesome, all those kinds of words – but you’re under no obligation to do anything back for them.  And you shouldn’t be feeling any pressure to do so.

Gmc, I was about to send you a similar post with my concerns about this work colleague in a similar fashion as Struggler, but I’ve just read your most recent post and you’ve let us know that he is a genuine guy and there’s no cause for concern there.  I certainly hope that is the case.

So in your earlier post where you said you were so torn – that was because of you not knowing how to thank him or give something back to him?  If that is the case, then please, you don’t need to be stressed out about that.  If you really genuinely would like to do something for him – why not find out what he likes to drink?  And buy him a bottle of his favourite drink?  Just as a suggestion anyway – oh and not to share with you – but for him to take it home and share with his wife.

Hey, what stuff do you have from Australia?   Tim-Tams – yummy delicious chocolate biscuits?   Vegemite – a traditional spread used for toast or sandwiches – kind of an acquired taste, but pretty good.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hello everyone, and thank you very much, Neil. Always a pleasure and always a assuring to hear from you :). You know, it's almost 5 am here and I've just woken up from a nightmare... Sometimes I just want to write my entire life here...

I have been thinking too of finding something for his new house. Something they both would like. I'll have some time to think.

I have some T-Shirts and some beach towels with the Australian flag printed on them :-P.

[Neil_1]

Hey gmc

You're heaps better at the gifting idea than me.  Me being a bloke and all that, thought, "mmmmhhhhh beer - now that would be a good gift".

But I like your idea HEAPS better - that's really thoughtful - going off to choose something really nice for their home.

What about an esky and a stubby holder ........ ok ok, I'm just kidding!!!

Gmc, hey, you know if you've got other issues and ones that you feel ok to write about, you know we're here - and as a combined bunch of fellow sufferers, we seem to go 'ok' in trying to put our collective minds together on this site to help out fellow travellers.

ps:  nightmares suck big time.   I don't know what it is with my dreams, but wow, I dream a lot of where I grew up (in and around the farm that I grew up on).  It's been sold (after my Dad passed away) and I miss it big time.  So I guess it's my subconcious (spelling?) still making me journey back there.  Fortunately most of them aren't overly bad dreams, so dat's pretty good.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Neil

[gmc]

Hello again, Neil, and everyone else who's here,

Of course I am not denying the drinks as a gift if I don't find anything that I like for them. Or maybe I choose an esky, a stubby holder :).

The thing with all the nightmares and all of it is that I am at least not that numb as last week (and being numb and having nightmares remind me of some chats with someone we're not talking about on this thread). Now I am so aware of my vulnerability. It seems that at least I can say that I wouldn't think, feel or act like I am if I was not like this.

I had a bit of a shock last evening (my time zone, of course), because I've been to a book lunch of Andrew Solomon, where he was there in person, talking about it and I met him for a few seconds to take an autograph on my book too. I was feeling my brain like declutching, relaxing in such an wierd whay for me, seeing him there and imagining him in despair of having an excuse to commit suicide and getting over all o that and having that strength and charisma... I was like letting him to change my thinking, but in a very decent, elegant, as having a help side by side way. It's a bit hard for me to explain, but I AM scared, almost intimidated of such I personality he has that I don't know when could I continue reading again, but he's hope. But I am still getting to know a lot from these feeling. Does it make sense?

Well, at least I will meet a CBT specialist on Monday. There are very few in this country, as from the CBT  Association, there are... 10. It really need to work this.

I'll keep this subject for now. I really need this posted :).

[vip]

Hi GMC ditch this bloke /psych immediately when we are depressed people know we are vulnerable so they play with our minds and emotions. Look growing up ive had peofessional people do that to me in work places , schools when I was a kid teenager they cross the boundaries because we are very likeable. I can tell you even though ive had this im aware never to cross those lines and I have left jobs because of this issue . When something doesn't feel right get away from it please fins somebody else to speak with . take care

[gmc]

Hello Sen and thank you very much for reading.

I have left therapy with him and don't intend to ever address to him anything regarding myself. The thing is it's inevitable for me not to remember these things about him, as I never could trust myself from the beginning to say no to this kind of toxic people for me. I've always said it's all about me. It's a whole new positive exprience to me to learn to do it :). I guess I know now to "listen" to how I feel when something is wrong...

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

A couple of things I'd like to write here.

First one is (and I hope Sen doesn't mind) - is that Sen has a thread on this Depression site called:  "My funny moods".  Gmc, if you haven't already I really recommend you reading, in particular, the first two posts that Sen wrote on it.

In those posts, she has detailed out how she is dealing with her everyday life and doing it in such a brilliantly positive fashion.  She has written a lot of examples of what she is doing each day - and other things as well that she is putting in place to assist her.

I'm not saying that you should do each and every one of them, but hey, if you read them, and there are a good number of things that Sen has written, you might even find ONE thing that you think, "hey, yes, I could do that as well".

And for me, this could actually be used for so many people on this site as well.  It's really brilliant stuff.  Sorry Sen, I'm not meaning to embarrass you.

Now gmc - I'm a little confused with what happened last evening - you went to a book launch by, I'm presuming a favourite author of yours and you got to meet him.

But I'm confused and a little concerned because you wrote the terrible 'S' word that I don't like using too much - the end of life situation.  I so hope you weren't referring to yourself in this instance.

I hope you're doing ok, and do hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[vip]

Thankyou GMC so glad you are working things out welldone . And to Neil im happy you like my post to where I can put a bit of sensible humor in my posts I will because I love a great laugh and making others laugh laughter is perfect medicine for depression.Im not embarrassed either you giving gmc that advice is pure perfection great job . That S word Neil if we don't use it then there is so much stigma attatched to it. Its ok that word is suicide it is another word in the dictionary and many people have experienced feelings of it or have been through it like myself. Think GMC meant and she can correct me this author spoke about his suicide attempt any way lets see if gmc can write back to explain it more. Neil love reading what you are writing your good at this keep it up.

[gmc]

Neil, I must admit I have been thinking about that thing, but didn't act, never. I have been feeling so down that I thought about it, but the more I thought, the more I search for anything that would give me hope.

In March, my grandfather, the only one left of my grandparents, he died from a heart attack. He was one of the healthiest old people I've ever known, but apparently... well, not to continue. His death was a shocking experience for me, but on the things I learned and continuously researched by myself, it completely changed me, mostly my faith. I've started interpreting piece by piece what I've known regarding this aspect, in the most self aware mode... And I started to understand love in all of its forms and the fact that I do have a purpose and as many purposes I want to have in life. I won't start a religion, but I believe I have a fundament for my well being.

And that, Neil, makes me fight my demons.