I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc · ‎07-06-2014

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel.

(continued in the first comment below)

gmc · ‎08-06-2014

Thank you all very much for your support. It really calms me down the fact that I write it down to someone who actually read it, because I've been filling pages for years, trying to talk to people through writing, although never reading that to them or sending them. Until this psychiatrist, that I've actually read my thoughts. I can't express verbally what I'm thinking so it was better if I did it like this. He said he's never had this kind of sessions, that's what makes me even more unusual. That's how I got to telling him about some years of my childhood when our family, we had a priest visiting that used to like me very much and saying all over to my family that if I wasn't that young, he would have married me, I wouldn't get away. I used to hide, but my family enjoyed it and found me and took me to him just to watch me and smile in a way that for me was so threatening. Then about a teacher I had in school that used to get too close to me. And then a friend of my dad's who did the same. I don't want it to sound awkward, but I'm very pretty, at least that's what others say. I tried to be a model for a while, but I guess it didn't work for me. I even tried harder because I've always felt like a freak because I am very tall, I am 1.86m tall.

An well, it wasn't anything sexual with those guys, but enough so that I could be hell scared.

My mom has always been a martyr type, but I didn't actually needed that to know at 6 or 7, or having me transferred all of her fear of being alone with a man.

So I have always been afraid of men. And I am discussed of most. (Hope it's not impolite to you guys 🙂 )

About my therapist... I don't know. I'll write to him, just to feel relieved. If you don't mind, I'll post the e-mail here in a reply.

Thanks again you all. And I really hope my story inspires others to be brave and fight. I've always been a fighter. I've been aware of the fact that

I needed help.

Mares73 · ‎09-06-2014

Dear gmc I can feel you are torn about what to do & you are also very fragile & experiencing depression & anxiety. I have a strong background of abuse-my father, a priest & also a stranger. I'm going to the Royal Commission to tell my story about the priest as I don't want it to ever happen to someone else. Now-im going to be BLUNT-DO NOT go back to that psychiatrist he is playing mind games & you are fragile & need to be seen by someone who can be trusted. Please go to a GP that's listed on this site-they are highly trained in mental health & will find you a decent psychiatrist. You don't need anymore trauma. You have an illness. It's not the sum of who you are. Please consider what I've said-i honestly feel this psychiatrist is acting inappropriately & like me your self esteem is low enough as we tend to blame ourselves. Be good to hear back from you about all this. Lve Mares xxx

gmc · ‎09-06-2014

Hello MAres73, hello everyone else,

Last night I was checking over and over for replies on this post, although I knew that being from another country and having over -10 hours than Australia. This is why I can't call for a GP on the website. There is no service like this in my country. I am here on BB because of your huge support, that I am very thankful of.

Back to last night, it was when I have been trying to write that e-mail to my psychiatrist. I didn't send it, I just composed most of it. But then I had an insomnia and I couldn't cry, not until I got to think about the only person that was a support for me even for such a short time... I was thinking over and over about all the things I want to write in that e-mail.

I am going to post and after I do, I will call him and say I can't go anymore to him. It's the only thought that got me calmed down when I left his office last time, too.

gmc · ‎09-06-2014

I called him and said I'm now showing up. Boy, he was so calm... Now I even feel more guilty and exactly like he said, that I will never be OK, that I am not going to take his treatment, that he works very tough. And I am not strong enough and he was my only chance to get better.

gmc · ‎09-06-2014

I swear I want to leave the country to get a treatment...

Struggler · ‎09-06-2014

Hi gmc

This is very concerning. You emailed saying you were not going to him anymore. Then in your next post you showed up at his office!

You don't even have to tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Just don't show up, don't answer his call or email. You don't owe him an explanation.

He is manipulating your mind. His is not helping you. He is despicable and a creep who doesn't have your best interest at heart. What will happen if you stop going to him?

I hope other posters will give more support.

Struggler

gmc · ‎10-06-2014

Hello Struggler,

I didn't show up, I just called to ask him for an e-mail address ( I guess I won't finally write to him anymore... ) and said I'm not showing up anymore. We didn't talk for more than a minute, maybe not even that long. Then I had a painful panic attack, I just had pain in my head, my left side of the brain and I took a pill from my mom's. I'm sort of fine now, looking for info on BB. Too bad I can't move to AUS for a good medical care...

I was thinking, what if I start a blog where I write my failures in therapy so far? Or better said their failures? Do you think it could help?

gmc · ‎10-06-2014

I so wanted to learn very much from him, I wanted to get better. After we first met, I took the bus and I saw a woman. I just saw her, I was aware of her presence. She was just a moment in time, she was there and I could focus on her, not on myself.

After every time we met, I was so... I don't know, shocked in a good way - I used to say, mostly because I could tell that someone who seems very competent is taking care of me and he listens to me.

I bought one of books that I couldn't read until the end, I got very depressed and I stopped. The last time I took it to him to write something on it. He wrote: to G (I won't write here my name), with respect for the courage she confronts a hostile world.

And now I feel I have nothing and I have to go all over again. Sometimes I am strong, I say that this is something that can be solved out, but sometimes...

I have to

gmc · ‎10-06-2014

It's now that I am reading my posts again.

So: I told him I tried to talk to people at work about my depression and attacks and he said I shouldn't, because people here are as I told you about mental health and being depressed is shameful to people here and people hide it and I will be marginalized and this would ruin my personal and professional relationships. I felt that sometimes, people give all sort of advice that it's not how I feel, that I should not feel this way, that I don't do enough to get out of this. He once said that I could bring a family member and he'd talk them out, but I don't know what happened to this.

I am seriously allergic to this phrase, that I am not doing enough to change something good for myself. I swear that this is the first question I am going to ask my future therapist: Are you going to repeat over and over that it's me who's not doing enough to get myself out of this condition?

I am very lonely right now. But I will do some things to make myself feel better. I made the decission of going to gym starting from tomorrow. I have two close to my place, so I wil choose one tomorrow :). And I will try to have a regular sleep schedule.

I feel my brain rumbling...

gmc · ‎10-06-2014

Do you think this could be enough to file a complain regarding his therapy?