I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc · ‎07-06-2014

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel.

(continued in the first comment below)

Struggler · ‎10-06-2014

Hi gmc

I'm glad you wrote back. Sounds like you are really trying hard to do something about your condition. Going to the gym is a really good idea and first positive step.

Unfortunately, even here in Australia, revealing your mental illness to people at work is a bad idea. It is a bad move and people get discriminated for it. Here on BB we talk openly about our illness because we are anonymous and our colleagues cannot identify us. It is safe to share here.

I'm still feeling very uncomfortable about your present psychiatrist. The fact that you are scared of him tells me that you should just drop him. He is supposed to help you get better but he is doing the opposite.

Loneliness is a terrible emotion to bear. I and everyone here can empathise with you. I hope by coming on BB, you know that you're not alone. We suffer together as against suffering alone. Does it make sense?

I'll keep posting so your thread stays new and gets response from other posters for wisdom and more support.

Love to hear how you go with the gym and please write back and let us know.

Struggle

Struggler · ‎10-06-2014

Hi again gmc

I don't think it is a good idea to file a complaint against your psychiatrist right now unless you have someone to act on your half. Even if you complain, the authority may back him up. It will then cause your condition further deteriorate.

For now, your priority is to remove yourself from harm, the psychiatrist, hence stop further damage to yourself. When you're strong enough you may still consider lodging the complaint then.

Struggler

geoff · ‎10-06-2014

dear Gmc, I am so pleased that Struggler has kept your post going, and I agree with her, either don't turn up or perhaps just ring the receptionist and cancel your appointment, you don't have to explain why, hang up the phone.

If you report him to the authorities he will only say that that's the way he counsels his patients, and it's a very unorthodox way, and I'm not sure many people with depression could possibly cope with how he does it, however this can be dubious as he hasn't made any advantages towards you or tried to physically touch you in any sexual way so I'm not sure anything would happen. L Geoff. x

Neil_1 · ‎10-06-2014

Dear gmc

I’m sorry I’ve been away from your thread for a day or so – but it’s been great that you’ve had a couple of other lovely people from here posting to you. And how you said that you would still like to post here – yes, absolutely. And as you’ve found, we’ve got a great community here – wonderful supporting and caring people with loads of experience and advice.

I’m so very pleased for you that you did phone that guy and tell him that you’re not showing up. And again, he just “had to” give you one last little burst out of his acid-mouth to you and really only tried to cement more doubt about yourself and your future. I am so glad that you’ve been able to finish it all with him. I’ve read also that you were planning on writing a letter to your old psyche. Personally, I wouldn’t. I’d just let it go and put that to the back of your mind as just being a bad experience.

But now, gmc, where to from here?? Do you have access to another Doctor that you could go too? Or perhaps, even anonymously just phone a couple of doctor’s; you’ll get their reception area, and then just ask, does this particular doctor deal with patients who have mental health issues?? I say anonymously just in case you feel uncomfortable about asking, you know, for yourself. I don’t mean to be overly paranoid for you here – just giving you an option AND if you felt again uncomfortable, you could even say that you were ringing up for a friend? The receptionist should know about whether the doctor deals with patients with mental health issues, because I believe that not all doctors are as well equipped to help in this field as others are.

Gmc, do you work or study at the moment?

Ps: I do have to say, that I understand your comment about your feelings towards men – after what you’ve been put through, no wonder your levels of trust and being comfortable around men is so low.

But I do have to say, that the guys on this site are nothing but genuine, honest, caring and supportive blokes. What’s more, we as a group will stand up and stick up for anyone we feel is being mistreated. I just wanted to let you know that. 🙂

Kind regards

Neil

gmc · ‎11-06-2014

after I read all of your new posts, I just burst into crying - such a relieving feeling to know that I am not alone. I don't know if I ever met this feeling with someone I personally know. And you are there, miles and miles away, and your care is just unbelievable. There is something I have to admit: the fact that I am not from AUS at first made me think that I may not get so much attention, and please don't get upset on this, it just was like that. This was how I was taught... We certainly don't have this kind of service like BB in our country, or this kind of guidance, and I am used to selfishness and not caring much for the other, just saying to her/him that they are not doing enough...

You know, when I told that guy I felt that I do not deserve the attention I get into therapy, he burst into laugh. He said that seemed curious to him. I burst into crying. And other time he said that if you don't feel equal in a relationship, it's you who discriminates yourself.

Ok, I am not writing to him anymore. And not file a complain. Certainly not see him anymore. And not writing on a blog on bad experiences with therapists.

I have a job which was very very stressful during the last months, on some project that had an awful management, and I got to manage a database of 11.000 people, 80% to be done alone, and it got me very exhausted. Right to the point that when I focus on a task (or I surf the internet, for example) for more than an hour without a break, I feel nausea. So this week I took a vacation and I only manage my new flat's redecoration. A task is enough at least until I get better.

At my office, things are not very well managed, so I guess I have to start changing something in my work too, to make it better for me.

Oh, and I found this Change You Thinking document on BB that I am sure will help me for my daily activity, even if small tasks seem very hard for me. I will manage it. Hopefully.

And about the therapist: I found out last night about a woman who's one of the leaders of the association of the therapists who use CBT and she's a psychiatrist. I have no hope for GP's here to do their jobs as in AUS, so I will reach her somehow very soon.

Neil_1 · ‎12-06-2014

Dear gmc

Thank you for coming back and providing your latest post to us.

And no way did you (or could you) upset me so feel free to write/post whatever you wish. It’s all good.

I’ll make one last comment on that ‘guy’ and then leave him out of any further responses. However, I am going to have to tone down what I’d really like to call him – so all I’ll say is – I don’t know how he can make a living and earn money for the way he treats his patients. I wonder if he talked like that to any of his male patients, whether he’d end up being given a whack by his patient? Anyway, enough about him.

Gmc, the job that you had was very stressful – has that time passed for you and has it settled down now and is not so tough for you?? I sure hope so – because yeah, having to go to a job that is stressful is definitely not good for someone who is suffering with their own private issues. That sounds positive with you being able to change some things around at your office – to make things better for you. That IS good to hear.

Also good to hear is that you undertook a bit of a project to do some redecorating. That’s really good – as this is for your own place and so you can just make it out to be how you want it to be – to be in a way that pleases you.

And yep, one little project at a time, is a good way to go. Continue on with this one and that also helps keeping you occupied, but also in the end, when you sit back and look at it – you know that you have done this. That should make you feel real good inside.

Gmc, once again, thanx for posting and please feel free to write back here anytime. We’ll be here for you – and despite the distance, you aren’t fighting this alone.

Kind regards

Neil

gmc · ‎12-06-2014

Thank you very much, Neil, and to everyone who replies here or even read. I kept reading other posts and really tried to reply these days, but just didn't know what to write on people's stories. Not even on mine... These days felt very hard on chest. This redecorating and talking to workers and doing this for the first time, with the responsability of not doing it with my own money, but with my father's, is not very chily. I have a colleague at work (before anything, he's in a happy relationship, so no), an amazing guy that provided me all of the advice I need. I just don't know how to take it. We are not very alike, he's very experienced in this and he knows all of it. He's got a great heart, and I am receiving all of this from him and I don;t know how to take it. I mean I feel I have to give something back and I don't know what. Not doing renovations and redecorations before and him being in the picture - I am so torn...

I'll keep only this subject for now...

Struggler · ‎13-06-2014

Hi gmc

You write that a colleague gives you advice and support and you want to give something back. However, I also understand from your post that he is already in a relationship albeit an unhappy one. This is what I am worried about. You are very fragile now and getting mixed up in a love triangle will further worsen your condition. I won't comment further until you come back with more facts.

You're taking great stride in occupying your time with redecorating the flat. That is something to celebrate. Do you live alone or with your dad? Take care and look forward to your next post.

Struggler

geoff · ‎13-06-2014

dear GMC, even when someone does something good for you doesn't really mean that you have to return the favour, as there are some very kind hearted people in the world who don't want anything in return.

Put it this way on this site there are humpteen people who have given you support and advice and now formed a connection then do we expect anything back in return, of course not, because we try and help so many people, and these people may pass their knowledge and experience onto other people, so it's all in the family.

.Personally I have done favours to a lot of female people out there in the world, and I don't expect anything back from them, just a polite 'thank you'. L Geoff. x

gmc · ‎13-06-2014

Hello again, Struggler.

No, my colleagues is happy with his relationship, not to worry on that. In our office, we are a very small team and they tend to be very concerned about personal issues of each other. I just don't feel like I want to be in, although they are nice guys and I didn't have any problems with them, except that project that I guess was overwhelming for them too. My colleague, he's redecorating his new flat too, we bought it almost at the same time (well, he gave me the contact for the previous owner, too) and now I suppose he sees me that I can't deal with it by myself and he's trying to help.

I live alone, I've been living alone since I was 15. I left by myself to go to high school in another city where I live now and I have some relatives, but I lived in a dorm. It was my decission. I still visit my parents very often. Well, my mom mostly, because my dad has always been apart with work. Oh, by the way, he's been to Australia and I have some stuff he brought me from there. I transfered your support into those things now and I remind myself I am not alone :).