I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

You know Sen makes a lot of good sense and advice in her posts.  Thank you Sen and I'm so glad you've come back to this community.  We need you here.  🙂

Gmc, I guess when we get to the older times in our lives, it's then that it's really difficult to fight off different things that can affect our bodies.  And I'm sorry to hear of your grandfather's loss.

The more I hear from you, the more I'm understanding just what a very bright and intelligent young lady you are.  And yes, you sure do have a fundamental right to have a healthy existence in this life and it's very empowering of you to say that about yourself.   And also, a great motivation for you as well to fight those demons and push them right to the back of your mind or even further.

Hey, may I ask, where you are, what kinds of temperatures are you experiencing now?   We are journeying into our winter months and so the temps are on the slide - especially where I live.  Like we get down to around zero degrees over night and then, today it's something like 11 degrees.

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I think more of dissolving them. Or make them so powerless against me being stronger every day. I am telling this to myself every moment when I feel so down and the more I go down, the more I want it. I've hated the concept of hope for a long time, it seemed cliche and I hate cliches, but I think I found my own definition of hope, I know how it profoundly feels like.

I have read some of the other posts, like Sen's. She does make sense. Even more in the strength of this community.

Where I live, we have four seasons :), and it's the first month of the summer. It has always been the less agitated period of the year and the most confusing for me.

It rained a lot these days. It's usually very hot these times, about 35-40 degrees. But 11 degrees is around zero, Neil? 🙂 That's beginning of spring to us sometimes. I've experienced -10 blocked in a bus overnight on the highway in snow storm... And we can even have -20. I am from Romania, by the way.

Just joking about it (not about the -10, that's true), I understand how you must be feeling right now about the weather.

🙂 Hope it doesn't feel that bad.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Gmc

How are things going for you at the present time??

Did you get any further advanced on your home redesigning/decorating??

That is a great thing that you’ve got going – to make yourself an inner power over your demons and to beat them down at every chance you get. And you know, by doing something like this so often, it becomes habit. And that’s a damn fine habit to adopt.

Romania huh? Oh wow, your winters would be, ahhhh, brutal to say the least, yeah?? Oh with temps here, I was talking in celcius, not farenheit; so our coldest mornings where I live will get down to -5 degrees C or -6 degrees C … but no snow. It does snow nearby, but it’s only say once in 9-10 years when in snows where I am.

And your summer temps are very similar to ours as well – I must admit I love the summer much more than the winter.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I was talking about Celsius too.

I'm not having a further advanced in redecoration, I've had such a bad week that I couldn't do anything. I get a panic attack every time I think of it. But I did see another therapist that recommended me a psychiatrist, as she thought too that it would be better for me, for my therapy. It was a real adventure to see her and it would definitely be another one to see that doctor, their appointment office is so unprofessional... I will call him in a couple of hours... She was very kind and understanding and she agreed that I need immediate care and she said she'll help me with this even if the psychiatrist can't see me, we'll find a solution. Meanwhile I can only wait and try to be positive in all of my panic attacks...

[gmc]

Well.

I've called. And talked. And after trying to reach the second psychiatrist available in the centre, the only CBT centre in the COUNTRY

[gmc]

Well.

I've called. And talked. And after trying to reach the second psychiatrist available in the centre, the only CBT centre in the COUNTRY I've reached the famous doctor. Who first asked me why do I call them when they are a centre which treats schizophrenia. Annoyed make because I called for 3 times and waited for him and didn't get to reach him. And the same with the other doctor who denied taking more pacients because her mother died.

Ok. And he can't see me, he's too busy, but I call on Thursday and see when other specialists begin working in the clinic. And the only psychologist in the centre who listened to me said that she will think of a solution for me.

And I am dying in here...

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

This is terrible.  You were sent to a centre for treating schizophrenia?  What a mix up!  That psychologist who said she would think of a solution for you, has she given you practical help yet? 

Meanwhile, you just have to stay strong and keep asking for her assistance.  Did she give you a time frame to get back to you?  

Struggle

[gmc]

Hello Struggler,

She sent to the centre as what it is, one where are working psychiatrists and psychologists trained in CBT. I first found out about this searching online for a therapist who might have this affiliation and I got to them, and they are the only association in the country. I called three times for asking to talk to a psychiatrist and they told me every time to call back and call back and one time they said they would BEEP me to know when that doctor was there. I was then referred to this psychologist and I don;t know how, but I got her own phone number and directly talked to her. And when I met her, she confirmed me I would also need medication, so she said I should go to this other doctor. I called three times also for him and when I finally talked to him, he was very annoyed as I was disturbing him and asked why was I calling him because in their centre, they deal with pacients with schizophrenia. Then he listened to what I had to tell him and he said that I would have to call back on Thursday to see if one of the specialists "freshly" trained are available.

I won't call.

I called today also to a clinic asking to talk to a psychiatrist who doesn't counsel as well, but he's referred as a psychopharmacologist. I will go there on Monday and see what he has to say. It's too much of a burgain to live with this anxiety, it's inhuman, as the psychologist I saw yesterday said too - I just have to talk to her too and see if she agrees to work with me on my therapy in parallel with the psycho pharmacologist.

I made a decision today: I have two big passions, one is psychology, one is acting. I want to do them both, mainly as an art therapist. I want to reach the potential that the level of anxiety doesn't let me reach right now and help other do too through this wonderful artistic act. I almost feel so much blessed by making this decision as I feel scared it would not be the rational one. But I guess I just don't have to think about it and start learning hard for that admission exam I have to pass with maximum grade :).

I'll keep you posted and thanks for you support.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Thank you again for your posts.   I cannot believe the seemingly unprofessional treatment that these “doctors” are handing out to you – and over the phone of all things – becoming annoyed with you and post-poning things.  This is so not fair to you.

Gosh, I was I could do more to help you out here.  I suspect others on this site are in the same frame of mind as well.

As Struggler, I think suggested, have you gone back to that therapist – the nice one, that you posted about – have you been able to tell her of the poor responses you’ve received from all the reaching out that you’ve done?   I would really hope that as she’s “in the business”, she might be able to make some appropriate calls for you to help you out.  I think this could be your next move – as long as you haven’t been there and done this already?

Hey gmc, way to go girl – with the psychology and acting passions of yours.

That’s so fantastic that there is an opportunity to pursue both and be able to combine them as well.  That sounds so promising for you.

Again, would love to hear back from you,

Neil

[gmc]

Thank you very much, Neil. But as I wrote in another post in other forum, the Anxiety one, (maybe I should have wrote it here, but I was hoping it could help other people too from that specific topic), there are some things that I am fearful of.

Btw, about therapists, I just woke up from what it seems to be a nightmare, but I wasn't very shocked about it, just a bit scared.

And yes, I will call that lady again to tell her my solution and see if she found one, as she promised. If she did, I may work with a psychiatrist or work with her and a psychiatrist. If she didn't, I will suggest to work with her and the psycho pharmacologist I found about.

Hopefully.