Depressed after the end of a Relationship

[Adam13298]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I'm not entirely sure if this is the right section but I think depression is the most pertinent to my story.

I'll start by saying, I'm 19 years old, I've been overweight for most of my childhood, but I was a happy child, I continued this way until year 8, I began feeling down, because of this my weight exploded even more until the end of year 10, 137kg at my peak, by this stage I knew I had depression and anxiety, I was scared to do anything even as simple as buying something from the store because I was so self conscious, and the depression I buried every day under a smile, never talked about it, no one could even tell I was sad or angry.

So I decided to lose the weight, midway through year 12 I had lost over 60kg, these issues had mostly disappeared, only feeling down on rare occasions. I started going to the gym, my self-confidence went up, then in November last year, I met a girl, we discovered we were similar in so many ways, a few short weeks later she was my first girlfriend.

We were liked by each others parents and friends, Myself, her and everyone else believed we were made for each other, my depression and anxiety no longer existed, for the first time in so many years, I was genuinely happy. But a month and a half ago, she changed overnight, little things at first but they grew, she started showing less interest in me, stopped being happy to see me, and I began feeling isolated in her company. In the month since I noticed the changes, my anxiety returned, I could feel her growing away and I knew I had to ask her about it. She gave a somewhat comforting answer.

I didn't see her until 4 days later, when she called it off, that was the 22nd of may, I was incredulous and inconsolable, she gave me the reason that she feels like she's not what I deserve and that she doesn't love me like I deserve. This was so unbelievable I literally couldn't respond, she was exactly what I wanted. But despite how much she said she loved me, she was not upset or remorseful, she simply didn't care.

I'm going to have to cut this short, there's a lot more detail, but I'm here because my mind just will not stop fixating on this, the reasons don't make sense, I'm having fits of rage that I've never felt before and they feel like they wont stop coming, and now the familiar weight of depression is dragging me down, I'm getting feelings of dread, I can't concentrate, this is one week before my university exams begin.

Thanks in advance.

[Adam13298]

Hi again Em, I haven't been able to find time to reply unfortunately, I've been fairly busy with (trying to) study and keeping occupied as best I can.

I don't believe she did either, she could have made it a lot easier on me, but I forgive her for that, she realised she didn't feel for me like that anymore, and as hard as it was for me, it had to end, rather than continue on. It really sucks, and it's hard to think that I wasn't good enough, but it is what it is.

Might give the bio oil a try haha. I really think she did, at first, and I did too, but I realise that I loved her too much, and maybe I was too blinded by that fact to realise that she just wasn't happy anymore.

That's the thing, I still want her in my life, but it can't be as friends I don't think, I couldn't watch someone else make her that happy knowing it used to be me. Part of loving her means just wanting her to be happy, with me or without.

And whilst I really do think I'm almost over the breakup, the same feeling of hopelessness and dread that I used to know is back, all the time, I no longer know if what i'm doing is what I actually want to do, nothing is enjoyable, the hobbies that I used to have now are the biggest turn offs of all. I just don't know.

[BballJ]

Hi Adam13298,

I know the feelings, you try and distract yourself so much but you always end up circling back to the thoughts and overthinking feelings. Have you listened to any other good songs recently?

I think over time the hobbies you love with start to come back around for you, it is such a long process to get over someone but I do like the fact you acknowledge that it had to end due to the feelings not being there anymore. You are starting to heal, I can tell.

Hope your exams go well.

My best,

Jay

[BenignSky]

Hey, man,

Yeah, I get what you mean with exams - they're killing me at the moment. When are your exams? Remember study habits like taking breaks and getting up and moving, drinking water etc and don't over work yourself too much, okay? Take care of yourself.

No, no, no, no - you ARE good enough. MORE than good enough. No one is better than anyone. Don't think you aren't good enough. Every 'failed' romance is practice - you learn from your mistakes, you learn what could be done better, you learn who treats you right, you learn your needs and wants and how to meet the needs of your lover. She couldn't handle your awesomeness, or maybe your awesomeness just didn't fit her. Everyone is incredible, but there are different types of awesomeness.

If it's any consolation, I think you're a pretty great guy and if I knew you properly, and like, age and stuff, yeah, I'd be interested. Weird but true.

My gosh, I am hugging you so tight right now. No one should feel this way.

Take some time, get through exams, wait until your break, then focus on yourself. Do some soul searching, go on a trip somewhere if you can.

Keep holding on, my love xx

[Adam13298]

Hi Jay,

It's getting easier, there's still so many things that remind me of her but I'm able to keep my mind off thinking of it for longer, although generally they're still a turn off, I think I've gone about a week or so without being really sad from thinking of her, but the anger is still getting to me. The counsellor I'm seeing at school taught me a mental technique which is sort of like just putting it aside until i'm able to address it better, which I usually save for the gym so I can get it out, I've got another appointment in a week now that exams are over we can start focusing more on it.

It's strange actually I now enjoy a lot more styles of songs than I used to, it's weird.

Gaming is now enjoyable to an extent if I play online with some friends, but even then I sometimes start feeling down randomly, like I went with a few close mates to stay at another mates place (who I haven't seen for something like 3-4 months) today, most of the night I was feeling pretty good, but there was a few times where I just felt horrible, for no reason, we were playing pool at the time which I really enjoy, but I just felt shit.

I'm generally feeling better about the breakup, or at least compared to a few weeks ago, I know it will take a very long time still, but I'll get there.

I'm still incredulous that this happened, when I think back on how she used to be with me, how it just changed overnight, it's baffling and disappointing in the extreme 😞

Adam.

[BballJ]

Hi Adam13298,

Honestly, that post is great, I can already see the progress you have made towards healing, no one said it would all go away in one go, it slowly takes feeling better and those down times you feel, I think are perfectly normal... you're still recovering from heart break and there is no time limit on when and how long it takes to move on from.

Everyday, it will get a little better, I like how you release the anger in the gym, that is perfect.

My best,

Jay

[BenignSky]

Hey, Adam 🙂

Just wanted to drop by and see how you were holding up with everything. I'm sorry if I freaked you out with my last post bahahahaha. I'm just a very forward person.

Hope everything is going okay for you, and that exams are going well!

[james1]

Hey Adam,

I've actually been following your thread from the beginning but I...well, I honestly forgot to reply.

But I just wanted to give you a massive thumbs up/fist bump/high five/good on you for not only making a real effort to move on and learn from the experience, but even giving it a go in the first place. Love is not only the best feeling, but also the worst. We learn so much and, even though that's the last thing we want when our chest feels like it's being crushed, what's left is a sad, but nice memory.

Keep on keeping on. I've had two 4 year relationships end the same way and breakups totally suck. There's no two ways about it. Yet here I am in another relationship hoping that things will turn out better this time. We're suckers for punishment, ha.

You're doing super well.

James

[Adam13298]

Hi Em,

Haha no, you didn't, actually straightforwardness is something I appreciate in people, I guess it indicates honesty. I haven't had a huge amount of time to reply, been doing a lot of stuff with friends to keep myself occupied now that exams are over, thankfully I think they went okay, except for the last one I did but I wasn't terribly confident about that one anyways haha, how are yours going?

I don't want to think that I wasn't, but honestly I can't understand how else she could drop me like that and not even care, she kept telling me how good I was, how I did everything right, evidently I wasn't, and that really sucks.

I gotta leave in 15 minutes and I haven't even gotten ready yet (oops), so I'll have to cut this short, thanks for checking up on me 🙂

Adam.

[BenignSky]

Hey,

Aha, that's good, because many people are frightened by it - much like my insane ability to remember details someone has told me about themselves and think I'd forget it, but I remember it without writing it down. I just have a good memory for those I love haha.

It's good you're keeping yourself occupied and busy, and by surrounding yourself with friends. It sounds like you have a pretty solid support structure. And, exams are stupid. It isn't about what you've learned or how to apply your knowledge to real life situations, but how many facts and statistics you can regurgitate from a text book in a set period of time. I'm sure you did fine on your last exam. My exams didn't go too well, but I got good marks in English and Humanities which is something I guess.

As much as this will hurt, some people change, whether they intend to or not, their needs and wants change. I think you were perfect for her, I genuinely believe she did mean everything she said to you, but you just weren't right for her in the end - that's not you not being good enough for her, just means that her ideals and values changed. I don't think it was you, because you're a pretty cool guy, you treat girls right, you know how to love, you're interesting to talk to, you're sweet, you're deep. You give a damn. Some people can't see that. Any girl would be lucky to have you, she just didn't know what to do with someone so pure, so she decided to break you. It's unfair, it makes me angry because so many good people get screwed over in this world. You deserve the best girl, you know. I hate that this happened to you.

Ahahaha, you're a procrastinator like me. I always think I have time to get ready for work in five minutes when it takes me 30 minutes, haha. I'm just lazy and can't be bothered getting up.

Of course I'll check up on you, it's what people do. There's too much hate in this world; too much ugliness. This is just one smol bean trying to make a positive impact, even when she's all twisted.

Your love will come, Adam. But don't change. Please don't change. You're perfect just the way you are. So smile, laugh, and redirect your love for her into yourself.

- Em

[Animals_Rock]

Break-ups are incredibly hard to overcome. It can take some people many years. For some married couples it can take them up to 30 years to overcome and/or accepting the fact that they are now a widow. Some married couples feel guilty for moving onto another person and starting a new relationship. This can be the exact same feelings for young people like yourself. I cannot exactly relate to your situation, but it is a rocky road of accepting the hard truth and seeking answers as a way of feeling closure.