Depressed after the end of a Relationship

[Adam13298]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I'm not entirely sure if this is the right section but I think depression is the most pertinent to my story.

I'll start by saying, I'm 19 years old, I've been overweight for most of my childhood, but I was a happy child, I continued this way until year 8, I began feeling down, because of this my weight exploded even more until the end of year 10, 137kg at my peak, by this stage I knew I had depression and anxiety, I was scared to do anything even as simple as buying something from the store because I was so self conscious, and the depression I buried every day under a smile, never talked about it, no one could even tell I was sad or angry.

So I decided to lose the weight, midway through year 12 I had lost over 60kg, these issues had mostly disappeared, only feeling down on rare occasions. I started going to the gym, my self-confidence went up, then in November last year, I met a girl, we discovered we were similar in so many ways, a few short weeks later she was my first girlfriend.

We were liked by each others parents and friends, Myself, her and everyone else believed we were made for each other, my depression and anxiety no longer existed, for the first time in so many years, I was genuinely happy. But a month and a half ago, she changed overnight, little things at first but they grew, she started showing less interest in me, stopped being happy to see me, and I began feeling isolated in her company. In the month since I noticed the changes, my anxiety returned, I could feel her growing away and I knew I had to ask her about it. She gave a somewhat comforting answer.

I didn't see her until 4 days later, when she called it off, that was the 22nd of may, I was incredulous and inconsolable, she gave me the reason that she feels like she's not what I deserve and that she doesn't love me like I deserve. This was so unbelievable I literally couldn't respond, she was exactly what I wanted. But despite how much she said she loved me, she was not upset or remorseful, she simply didn't care.

I'm going to have to cut this short, there's a lot more detail, but I'm here because my mind just will not stop fixating on this, the reasons don't make sense, I'm having fits of rage that I've never felt before and they feel like they wont stop coming, and now the familiar weight of depression is dragging me down, I'm getting feelings of dread, I can't concentrate, this is one week before my university exams begin.

Thanks in advance.

[BballJ]

Hi Adam13298,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. You have come to the right place.

Sorry to read what you have gone through with the break up - it is never easier losing someone you love and adore especially when you connect so well with them, it has happened to many of us over the course of our lives. I will say the generic advice that it will get better with time, because it honestly will however the more important thing to focus on here is getting your depression and anxiety under control. When you rely on someone else to maintain your happiness, it is so tough because when something like this happens, it brings you right back down as it has. Have you ever spoken to a GP about your depression and anxiety? Getting it under control is the first step and learning how to live with it. I have suffered from anxiety for over 10 years so I know how you are feeling in that regard, I also did the same as you, put a smile on and pretended everything was ok... it wasn't healthy... when I finally reached out for help, it was amazing and just talking and getting it out there is great. These forums are great for that but we are not professionals, we are just people with similar mental health concerns. Please also know you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are feeling with trained professionals.

Hoping your exams go well for you, always happy to talk so feel free to reply back as much as you wish.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hi Adam, it's amazing how we can put on a fake facade, pretending to people that there is nothing wrong, but that's not what is happening, deep down you're struggling to be able to cope.
How often does this happens to those who are suffering from depression, until eventually the crunch comes when it becomes too exhausting to hide it anymore, and that's when we start to lose those who were our friends, because they distance themselves from us, leaving us all alone.
When someone says to you 'feels like she's not what I deserve' as well as ' not upset or remorseful', could indicate that she has someone else in tow, as they believe it's a polite way to end a r/ship, but is there any decent way to end a r/ship, no, not really.
Depression will raise it's ugly head at any time, especially once you have struggled with it before, and even though you may believe that you have overcome it, it's very possible it will return, and that's when you need to see your doctor/psychologist again, if you have stopped seeing them, and if not, then it's even more important to have any medication reviewed and contact them straight away.
I know that there is more you would like to talk about, because there will be other issues that are concerning you. Geoff.

[Adam13298]

Hi BballJ,

Thanks for the warm welcome.

This was, and still is, probably the most difficult experience of my life, two months ago the happiness was sublime, and this hurts so much because she was simply unaffected by the break up, she just didn't care, after all we had done together, and how well I treated her, she just dropped me like a stone. But perhaps even more painful was watching her grow apart, I knew there was something wrong yet whenever I asked if everything was okay she said it was. I read somewhere that it was like being in a free fall without a parachute, I kept believing that she was going to catch me but I realised too late that she had already pulled her chord, and when I hit the ground it broke every bone in my body. Never has anything resonated with me so much.

Thats the really horrible thing about depression and anxiety, you feel like you're not allowed to talk, or that no one will care. I hid it away from everyone, my parents didn't know, not even my best friend of now 15 years knew. And now that this has happened I feel like I'm now venting all that anger, all the negative emotions that I bottled up for almost 5 years, I suppose thats a good thing, but it is scaring me and some of my friends how bad it is, I just hope that I haven't developed an anger issue, because that's just not me, I hate being angry. But with all the support from my friends and family allowing me to talk about the breakup, I now feel like I am able to talk to people about my mental health as well, and I particularly found that hearing similar experiences from other people has been helpful. But you are certainly right, getting it off my chest is making it easier, I can feel the anger is slowly subsiding, however I feel the black dog has returned, I am no longer sure of what I want to do in life, I feel like I have no direction, no happiness, even though I know that I have an amazing support network, and its particularly difficult for me as I'm a person who is more logically/rationally inclined rather than emotionally.

After talking to my parents, I discovered that my university has free counselling for a whole range of issues, so I booked the earliest appointment available: next tuesday, and dad suggested eheadspace, who I'm expecting an email back from very shortly.

I really hope so too, however I'm finding it incredibly difficult to study, but I hope that hearing from people on the forums will help me get through this faster.

Thanks for the support,

Adam.

[Adam13298]

Hi Geoff,

Watching her grow apart from me was indescribable, it felt as if all the happiness in my life was being sucked out of me. I've run this through my head a million times and it just doesn't make sense, she was so happy with me, I ticked so many boxes for her. But as I said in the main post, there is more information, after I dug for more information, she gave me the reason "I feel more close friendship", she gave that answer to one of our mutual friends straight away, and with slightly more detail, she said she didn't feel anything "girlfriendy" when I kissed her or hugged her. That butterfly feeling she's talking about went away for me a while ago as well, but I knew that I wanted to be with her more than anything, she obviously took it to mean she didn't love me, perhaps she confused infatuation with love?

She also mentioned my look of disappointment on my face, when it was obvious that it was upset. Because as I said I talked to her about it a few days prior, so when I saw her at lunch time, she hugged me and I was a bit happier, but then she immediately sat down and buried into her friend, that was the breaking point. So then when she did it after school she said I was visibly disappointed, but I was too shocked to speak.

I don't want to believe that she had met someone else, although thinking about all the details and talking to more clear thinking friends, we do think she is hiding the real reason, but she disliked unfaithful people almost as much as I did, and her friends did too, so they would have been pretty upset with her, unless they were blinded by loyalty.

I thought it was gone, for once, and I was happy, but she pushed me back in the hole, except this time I'm not alone trying to dig myself out, I've booked an appointment for my university counsellor and I'm expecting an email back from eheadspace some time today.

There is many more details to this that I would like to discuss, but unfortunately the character limit is nowhere near enough for me to consolidate everything into one organised post. So I will probably mention things as they become applicable.

Thanks for the reply,

Adam

[BenignSky]

Hey, Adam,

First of all, that's an incredible effort, losing that much weight. I am so proud of you for that, and I sincerely hope you are proud of yourself too. Shows what a fighter you are.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I'm a girl and I can tell you right now that girls can be vicious and cruel and so completely cold-hearted - and I'm being polite here, haha. Please don't think that it's your fault, that you weren't good enough for her. Sometimes lovers just grow apart, and often one person is still completely into the relationship while the other is growing out of it. It's just how the sucky world works.

It's a really good thing you've taken control of your mental health and have opened up to those who love and care about you, and have sought counselling both online and through uni. The best thing you can do is talk about what you're going through, and how you're feeling. It sounds like you've had a really rough time both with this break up and prior experiences. You're doing the right thing by taking the first steps and opening up.

God, I just read your response to one of the other posts, and I honestly feel for you. I understand everything you're going through, and I'm terribly sorry that this has happened to you. You seem like a genuine guy, and that you really did love this girl. Its horrible, isn't it? That the people who do love sincerely are the ones who get their hearts broken so tragically.

There is a lot of negative stigma around mental health with a lot of people, and often depression and anxiety are seen as shameful - there is nothing to be ashamed of. Just keep working away at yourself and share bit by bit. Small steps, keep that in mind. You will be knocked back and bashed around, but don't forget that you're constantly making progress.

I can guarantee this girl won't be the first to break your tender heart, but look at it as practice for when that perfect girl in all her imperfections comes careening into your life, and you'll know all the signs that she's into you, that she's treating you right, and that you're treating her right. Means that someone loyal is going to come your way and snatch your heart up.

The feelings of anger and confusion will subside, it just takes time. I have a story about this too, but I'm running out of words, haha.

Chin up, Adam, and keep going. You're doing so well. Don't ignore how you feel.

- Em

[BballJ]

Hi Adam13298,

A break up can be one of the hardest things to overcome, believe me, I understand as I have been there before. The hurt sucks and double it down with depression and you end up at this crossroads you find yourself at, wondering how you overcome it and questioning everything that happened in the lead up to the break up. Honestly, all the thinking and wondering draws the healing out longer. I know it is so hard to stop thinking though, I have anxiety and one of my biggest symptoms is overthinking.

I like how proactive you are being in booking in to see a counsellor and speaking to your parents, that is such a big first step. Keep getting your story out and keep talking about it, the more you do, the more you will be able to start to understand it and slowly accept it and that's when moving on and healing begins.

We are here to help and talk and hear you vent, so please post back as much as you wish.

My best,

Jay

[Adam13298]

Hi Em,

Thanks for the kind words, it was sort of a self fulfilling prophesy, the heavier I got the worse I felt, the worse I felt the heavier I got, but only after doing work experience with an old PE teacher did I realise that I really needed to change, and its the best thing I've ever done.

Haha those words couldn't be more truthful, actually the 2 female friends I discussed this with fully actually said exactly the same thing, I don't want to believe that I did something, but if she was that into me, for her to just start changing so quickly I can't help but feel like I must have. Like the mental issues that many of us face, the feeling of watching the cute, vibrant, uplifting, loving girl I fell in love with growing away from me, is something that can't be accurately put into words unless it has been experienced. It just feels unfair that I'm in such a bad state now, and she has continued as if nothing ever happened. I can't help but ask, why?

I suppose that is one good thing I can take out of this, that I realised I can talk about how I'm feeling, and that people care. Hopefully with the support of friends, family, and kind strangers on the internet I will be able to break the chains that are holding me back, and then perhaps I can help others to do the same.

Thank you, I put so much effort into it, I treated her so well, tried to be the best person I possibly could be, for her, because I wanted to be with her, and she somehow thought that I wasn't happy with her, it's beyond mind boggling.

The stigma that surrounds mental health is really quite saddening, particularly with so many young people now having issues, but recent campaigns are the start of changing societies views, and that is a good thing.

I've heard from a friend that the first one is always the worst, makes it easier to deal with later ones. I hope that's true, because this really was and is unbearable, It sounds cliche but I did feel the pain in my chest, I guess that's why they call it heartache.

What I thought was an endless anger is actually beginning to subside, but it is only being replaced but the down-ness that I've become so accustom to, I felt liberated, and now I'm trapped again. I know depression is part of the grieving process, but I feel exactly how I did before the weight loss, I'm scared that it will stay. I just want to be happy again.

I would definitely like to hear your experience, and how you felt and dealt with it. Thanks for the words of consolation,

Adam.

[talklp]

Hey Adam,

Sucks to hear dude 😞
I've just come out of a 3 year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. This was our first serious relationship and it definitely took its toll on me. There is no quick fix to how you are feeling I think. But you seem to be very proactive and are taking all the right steps - plus I can tell you are mentally strong too in your overcoming of other issues such as your weight loss. Good stuff.
Honestly it will just be a matter of time. And in that time just talk about it. Anything to do with it, try and verbalise. I'm fairly introverted so I had a hard time doing all of that, and I think this forum is good for it too.
My breakup was 6 months ago but it's still very fresh. Still think about her daily, what I could have done, should I message her, etc. But if I think I could give advice to myself - or to you - it would be to just let time do the healing. We are young (I'm 21) and we will have our time again. Love is a weird thing. I think it's important to look after ourselves first and foremost though.
You are doing all the right things and feeling. Look into the 5 stages of Grief if you like. Because I found that is the exact process of how I felt and feel with this break up of my own. And knowing that I'm dealing with it as anyone would is somewhat comforting.
You will be happy again some day my friend.

[BenignSky]

Awww, man, I honestly just wanna hug everyone on here and love them myself, it breaks my heart to see love be so unkind and cruel. So *hug*.
You're lucky you found that within yourself to lose the weight - I know exactly how you would've been feeling before your weight loss; it's one hell of a vicious and horrible cycle. I hope you have more confidence in yourself now 🙂
I know what you mean. Why am I, the person who gave everything and truly loved her, the one who's in so much pain? I can recognise the second someone starts acting weird towards me, or different, and I stress and pick them up over it straight away. I can't tell you why, why someone who has everything and seemingly is happy in love, would suddenly be unhappy and disinterested. I can only say that's how the world works. Sometimes it may be something you've done, other times it's just simply how it is = means there's something even better for you. I wish I could give you a proper answer, make all this hurt go away, but I can't.
That's the silver lining = that you are able to talk, and hopefully after you've gotten through the really 'bad stuff' you can help others. Always try to focus on yourself first, and don't let other posts get you down, because that won't be helpful, haha.
GIRLS ARE CONFUSING. Girls are girls. Females. Weird. Someone treats us terribly, we are addicted and fall in love. Someone treats us how we should be treated and better, we push them away. I think we like to chase, or be chased. Not all of us, but most of us. It's stupid and messed up but all I can tell that's somewhat close to the truth.
You deserve a girl that comes along, steals your breath away and makes you smell the rain and hear summer coming (yes I am being poetic and yes, I meant those in that order). You deserve to be completely consumed and whole-heartedly loved and if a girl doesn't give you that (or guy for whoever else is reading this) then don't waste time. The perfect love should be a constant mixture of a slow burn and exploding stars, moments where you just fall more and more in love. You deserve everything. Don't settle for anything less.
Oh you sweet thing, I've been here before and I feel your pain; I know it's awful and damaging, but I promise it will go, eventually. You will be happy again, whether that be by your own doing or a girl comes along and makes you forget everything. Keep talking about it, open up, and keep working; it'll sort itself out.