A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

[Automaton]

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

[Guest_322]

*for (not more)

haha...quintessential Dottie and her typos.

Dottie x

[Automaton]

Thanks Dottie,

I know I will start feeling good about myself when I can accomplish things, and take control of my life. It's still emotional and hard for me to accept the fact that I am disabled, that my body behaves differently, that I have serious and unique limitations (which I feel a lot more, now -- they hurt me daily because of my burnout) as well as some unique strengths (that I can work on), and that living in this society a responsible and balanced life will be extremely challenging for me, but I have hope that, with some support, I can get a grip on myself, organise my life so that it suits my predisposition, and succeed.

Needless to say, I am still not out of my depression and anxieties, and they still wear me out and bring me down too often, but I am now actively trying to battle them with certain strategies, as, through getting to know my condition, I have come to know the root causes of some of my "issues" and practical ways to cope with them, and to conserve bodily resources for when I really need them.

April is Autism Acceptance month, and a reason to celebrate the benefits and positives of neurodiversity. I still don't feel that I am quite there yet to be able to celebrate my "uniqueness", but I feel I am slowly taking steps to feeling more self-confident and content in my own skin.

Also, autistic, little, 12-year-old me says: allistic, not alltistic, and that the word you are really looking for is "ableism" instead of allism -- meaning a world designed for able people, and in no consideration to those who are neurodiverse or disabled. ^_^

I feel you really understand my situation -- thank you for that. I have no doubt you will help a lot of individuals make it in life (whether they be children, adults, or kidults), and find ways to futher improve the quality of your own life and family in the process. ❤️

[rustee_nails]

I wanted to say congratulations with your dad.in my experience parent's never wan't to accept that it

could have been their fault because they didn't intentionally wan't you to come to harm.it's guilt.

it may take them forever and a day to accept even complicity but it seems like your dad is making the headway.

my dad hasn't spoken to me since my first drug fuelled trip to jail (10 yrs).i'd give anything to just speak to

him. he never abused me ,but he couldn't handle my actions and says he won't until i "get over my psychosis".

i don't know when that is so i have to just accept ties have been cut ,probably irreparably. until i seem less crazy

or he accepts some of the guilt he feels from neglecting me and bad things happening because of it.

all i know is that every person that i accept as written off feels like a weight off my shoulders.

when my ex called me up to say she was getting on with her life and starting a new family,

i yelled at her at the top of my lungs for 8 hours til the battery ran out on my phone(goodOLD phones).

at that point i'd felt like i'd been in mourning for 3 years. (the first she was sectioned then 2 years of

jail for me. ) as soon as the phone died i felt like i lost 100 pounds. i think that day was probably the

first in a 1000that i'd truly smiled. i know some won't agree. maybe it doesn't work

for everyone .but the next few years of my life were my best and most social.i traveled the whole east coast.

on burnout.what you go through sounds terrible. i only understand normal

burnout.my nervous system is shot &so im constantly fighting to medicate my nerves

below excruciating pain. but do sure know about it when the adrenalin/cortisol burns me out.

go into town to do 2 things and find myself standing on a street corner eating sushi and going home without

achieving anything 🙂

RE: meditation.

i found a cool book that encouraged me to get to a level where i could meditate while walking. it's pretty

unreal but it's very cool for someone that feel's advanced in meditation. i couldnt get my heart/breath as low as sitting,but not far off.

by walking slow calculated steps with my head bowed and eyes open as little as possible while still trying to be

situationally aware.i had to start with headphones.

peace out 🙂

[Automaton]

Hi Rustee,

Thanks for sharing your genuine feelings and thoughts, and for your support.

Personally, I would recommend that you keep trying to talk to your dad from time to time, and update him on how you're genuinely doing and feeling. Don't forget to talk about the positive stuff, too -- a glaring mistake I made, in retrospect, after talking to my dad. Eventually, one day, when his own feelings and thoughts mature to the level of your experiences, he will try and understand, you will be able to share what you have been going through, and you will re-establish a connection. You have nothing to lose, now, in being open and sincere about your own health and state with your parents, and I think the best way to do that is in writing.

I think you are right about our parents. I can't imagine what that would feel like, to feel such guilt. We're all human, very much open to error, and it's no wonder that denial is the first course of action when confronted with such alarming and heavy feelings. Fear takes over the heart.

But I think there is also great truth in the distance you and I have found, that gives us a chance to heal, and a chance to breathe after being suffocated. Relationships are always a tug-a-war between closeness and distance. Romantically, this is why people sometimes break up only to find that they are drawn together. I think we shouldn't be afraid of creating that distance, but embrace it as something necessary that happens from time to time, as part of the natural cycle. The wilder the ride, the stronger the break can be. But if there is still genuine care and love deep down, and we don't stop trying (this applies to both sides/people!), we can overcome any distance. All we need is endless, sincere communication.

I love what you are doing with your meditation practice. I think you're really onto something. To live a life richly immersed in meditiation is to live a life connected with your body and the living world. There is profound balance, peace, and wisdom to be found there, and the power of healing bodies, minds, and hearts.

[rustee_nails]

MEDITATION ROCKS! 🙂 at that point it was something else.

i was trying to meditate for part of every minute of the day,while not caring when i'd drift.

so if a ghost flew by id shake it off and start again within 60 seconds.

even while doing menial tasks but i had to break for anything heavy,

but there's not alot of that in jail once you get used to it. after a year i got to medium security and could walk

around grass again... &the asians used to joke about my monkness.

it amused me to give them amusement. i'd continue my long walks preferably alone.

i shouldn't have stopped but ,so much jail medication .

about my dad. i've been told i can write him but i do and he doesn't reply and i feel rejected.

so now i choose to leave him to his own devices until i've made up for some of the crap.

my ex missus still technically owes him $6000 and he thinks i'm sub human.

but they say the best revenge is success . so i'm starting a charity next week! so GD excited.

18 months of steady work towards this goal and its only one state. the plan is to go national.

and when i feel established here, move internationally ,with the UK being first .that's when i

plan to start trying with him again .if he hears from my Ma that i'm doing well i might get a letter

from him and that would be swell but after 10 years i had to just let go of that wish

or be stuck with daddy issues, like i am already eager to please.

hence why older criminals took me under their wing so effortlessly.

they saw the crime i did and rewarded it like no success my own dad never did do.

bee ba ba bada bo. sorry. i couldn't get the scatman earworm out so i'm passing it on 🙂

and an interesting bit of advice from my trauma Councillor : my parents have never accepted

the abuse/neglect they did harmed me .seriously! and i still feel total lack of closure that drags

me to the fetal position at times feeling that i'm worth nothing to my parents so why should the world care.

so i've been advised to sue their hineys for everything and make them feel some pain ,which will MAKE

them understand the relation between that and my pain, not to mention making them stand up in court

and admit to some bad stuff or lie whole heartedly to a judge.i've been warned parents dont usually talk to

kids that have sued them. but i'm worried they might die having never paid for their discretions.

it's extreme but just a bit of advice i'd never thought of that i thought was interesting to raise.

Peace

[Guest_322]

Hi Automaton,

First things first, happy Autism Awareness month!

You're sounding on track with managing your struggles. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to minimise the pain from your burnout and other challenges but I admire your proactive approach. I realise you have a long road ahead of you but I believe you'll get there. Step by step.

Haha well spotted. There are plenty more typos where they came from (it's my specialty). You would make a good editor haha 😊

Thank you for the encouraging words. It made me smile...let's hope so.

Dottie x

[Automaton]

In honour of Autism Acceptance month, I would like to share this humble and frofoundly wise quote with you all:

"My son, your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known." ~ Peter S. Beagle in 'The Last Unicorn'

Respect all human life and our struggles, for it is often in the fabric of what we or others perceive as faults in us that greatness lies.

[Automaton]

Hmm... the final decision is always yours, Rustee, but I'll leave you with this quote to ponder on:

"There is no such thing as a 'broken family'. Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you." ~ C. JoyBell C.

As long as you feel *something* (whether that's love or its negative form, hate), family is family, and you only get one that you were born into and raised in, so make your decision carefully.