Where do I fit in?

[Greybird]

This is my first post here. I am not new to any of this but it has been a long time since being on a forum. I am somewhat nervous about writing down my stuff but here goes. I am around 60 yr old, have suffered depression for most of my life. I have severe depression, anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD and I'm a Transsexual. I have many issues around these major ones. I don't feel like I am mentally ill but of course I am classified as such. I have had all sorts of treatments with all sorts of professionals. My symptoms always remain though some things have helped at various times. I struggle on a daily basis to make life worthwhile, I know I am self critical and have issues around self worth and the ever constant feeling of being different and feeling like I'm an alien (I'm sure you are not strangers to these things).
My history is very long and not easy to tell but I will spare us all by not fronting you with it. I am here for support I think, I am tired of a lifetime of struggles but want to find some enjoyment in my latter years and some understanding so I don't feel so alienated. It isn't easy fitting into society and I'm not very good at it though I am intelligent, compassionate, funny and a listener (you can't survive this long without having some good traits). I don't even fit into the "Transgender" community as I'm an "oldie, with old style values". I have no trouble being myself in public and no one would know differently until I tell them, when I make new friends I do eventually tell them as for many to not tell them is akin to lying to them, as I said, need understanding, not judgement.
I did something silly just recently, I started a new diet (ketogenic) and lost 20Kg and was very happy, just the change of eating no sugar, wheat/cereal and eating good unsaturated fats brought about clarity of mind and a vigor I had not known for over 35 years. To me it felt like my depression/anxiety etc. had disappeared... (oh and I had also given up cigarettes, alcohol and pot) so the last wall to come down was my medication... that was the silly part... I did it far too quickly and of course a serious relapse. So back on the meds and feeling subdued with tail between my legs. In what appeared to be mania to my friends I said a few home truths that cut close to the bone and was firmly chastised by my friends for it. I realise I am not up on social etiquette and I was over the top, I learned a hard lesson but left me feeling terrible and somewhat confused.

[Croix]

Dear young Greybird~
I bet you didn’t anticipate that particular greeting:) I’m entitled. Please don’t worry about posting here, it’s completely anonymous and non-judgmental. It’s also full of people who have had a wide range of experiences in all walks of life and wish to help those that are similar.

I’ve some things on common, very long term PTSD, depression (now less), anxiety. Very long term treatment. I guess unlike you I’m now in a much improved place, not perfect but very liveable. Tons better than the past.

The change of lifestyle, diet, weight-loss, tobacco, weed, drink, all pretty amazing. I killed the cigs but have not even gotten a diet in hand. The down side of that, of course is that I suspect they would in themselves have altered the effects of your meds. As for going off them –I’ve done that, felt good, no need to bother any more, stopped –oh dear.

I’m glad you reversed course on that one. After many years – even if warranted – it could be pretty tricky to taper off. And then again they may indeed still be warranted, I guess you and your doctor are the best judges there.

So you went and told people things they might not have wanted to hear – or did it in a way that was confronting, maybe even out of character. Again oh dear.

A person of your life experience knows this already – but I’m going to say it anyway because coming from someone else it may have more weight. There are friends and there are acquaintances in life. Friends forgive, try to understand – and get similar in return. They are pretty thin on the ground. I’ve had 2 partners and maybe 3 true friends in a very long life. I consider I’ve had more than my share.

Acquaintances are necessary, can be good to be around, give interest and maybe amusement, pick you up from the garage when your car is being serviced and so on. Trouble is picking which is which.

I can’t do it very well even now. I suppose the only real way to tell is to see who is still around after disaster strikes. If someone is still there then an explanation, apology, whatever, will be accepted and things will pick up.

You don’t sound confused in your post, you sound pretty sensible actually.

Please keep posting and say what you think, you will be met with welcome

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. forgot to say (an 'advantage' of seniority) you might care to drop in to the following thread:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything
No need to be formal, just a very light place to go. -C

[Greybird]

Thanks Croix, I've had a lifetime of looking like I have it together while inside a war is raging. I will try the social zone, let's see how it goes.

[Raynor]

Hi Grey, and welcome, I'm new here too.. and not young nor old, maybe in the middle but feeling old when it comes to being trans*. Things have moved so fast which is good but it's also uneven because this isn't one country we live in but several countries or cultures. And I guess coming from an the particular culture that I do, I don't fit easily into the LGBT culture either but they need you (and me) whether they know it or not!

So sorry for the slightly political rant but welcome to BB 🙂

Peace - Rayne

[Greybird]

Hi Rayne, Thanks for your reply. I am not needed in the community because I won't tow the line and that's the crux of it. I have some radical ideas that I put into practice in my own life because I believe we have 98% in common with all people and our differences wouldn't even amount to 2%. I don't like labels though that is what I got, I am a human above all things and on that premise I live within the general population without hesitation. For 40 years I've made my own way, had my own troubles and fought my own fights, educated dozens of medical professionals (maybe a hundred) and in a way paved the way for the 'community'. A true activist is one who lives it and doesn't just talk about it. But hey, I can only speak from my own experiences, I know there a lot of good people in the community but there are also many who are very hurtful, as a friend of mine says 'hurt people, hurt people'. For my own mental health I need to stay well away from it and I need every bit of sanity I can muster at the moment as I'm struggling for survival. I do care about us all but I am vulnerable these days... life takes it's toll and shapes us, I don't want to be hurt any more nor hurt anyone but I will defend myself if someone attacks me again. I wish peace for us all and especially wish for the end of "Us and Them" attitudes.

with respect - Grey

[Gruffudd]

Hi greybird,

I'm glad you are here. Welcome to the forums. As Croix suggested you would be most welcome in the rainbow cafe in the social zone. One thing I've noticed that you have in common with the people of the cafe is that you have formed your own views and values and are not involved in the community in a big way - sounds like you have an interesting story rather than being a cookie cutter stereotype.

One thing I value about Beyond Blue is that we are all people and have plenty in common, whilst our differences help the conversation be richer. I encourage you to be wide ranging and say what you want to in all areas of the forums.

So as for me, I have a trans identity that I express as genderqueer (a bit modern I know). There is a movie I wonder if you have seen called, Breakfast on Pluto. There is a lot of identity in that for me.

So I do hear you have been through the wringer a little lately, I think that takes a while to think and talk through. We all have our own experience of tough times. Happy to listen. I like this quote “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

I already think you fabulous so you are off to a good start.

Rob.

[Raynor]

Grey I'm sorry if I sounded like I was doubting what you said about your place in relation to the community. It's great that you know what you need and are doing it. I wish peace to you too - Rayne

[Kazzl]

Hiya Greybird - I want to say welcome too! Where do you fit in? Right here, and I'm very pleased you've joined us.

I just want to acknowledge your point about paving the way for the community - you certainly have and for that, as a proud mum, I say thank you. My eldest lives life on their own terms too and the struggles of your generation have helped make that possible. Much respect to you.

Hope to see you around the threads

Kaz

[Croix]

Dear Grey (hope you don't mind me calling you Grey)~

This can be a place of rest and in some ways a sort of sanctuary - it certainly is for me, another world. There are some lovely people here. I hope it helps, you sound so tired.

I like your avatar, are you the artist? I see the angle of the eyes as just right. Makes one wonder what the person is thinking whilst looking.

Croix