A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

[Automaton]

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

[MarkJT]

Automaton, welcome to the forums and it is great to have you here.

With your PTSD (which is my specialty....hmmmm....if you can call it a specialty!!), have you been diagnosed? What treatments are you getting? I also live with depression and anxiety which was a lovely (not) side effect of the PTSD.

When you say that you came out with a disability, is that the autism? and if i am reading this right, your parents love left you when you told them that you are autistic?

Be great to hear back from you and see if we can make things just a bit easier for you.

Again, great having you here. There are so many people that come to the forums and don't post, they just read so your story will be read by others. Well done for that.

Mark.

[Automaton]

Hi MarkJT, thanks so much for the support and encouragement. Yes, the disability that I came out with is my autism. It's ironic, because my parents knew all their life that I was different -- I displayed obvious "odd" behaviours in my childhood -- but we never dug deeper into it, and I never knew just how blindly ableist they were in their own, underlying, personal attitudes, and how unwilling they would be to accept that their son actually has a social (and bodily/neurological) disability -- once I had started to experience more serious difficulties in my adult years. I have received no emotional support in this personally very difficult time, or any, in coming truly into grasp with my disability at all from my family.

However, their missing hearts only became apparent to me at this coming out event, as I had never been one to ask for support, but always one to eagerly offer my support to others instead. Over the last few years -- maybe a decade, or more -- before my coming out, and through a cultural shock, my parents kept reciting our old mottos from our childhood, about love, unity, etc. that made us feel safe, and I feel this is why I have been deceived, but inside they were changing, growing cold, heartless, selfish, and distant.

Once they learned about my disability, they stopped caring for my well-being and respecting me as a person, and instead first tried to manipulate me and "shock me out of my madness", which is an incredibly painful event (I literally felt my heart break) I would rather not recall again or talk about, and eventually just pushed me away and grew distant.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD yet, but I am certain that, with what I'm struggling, it's the root cause of everything -- as you confirm, as well. I have had a number of things happen to me in my young adult life that had been quite startling that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. My problem is that I was unaware just how much I was suffering because I have a disconnect with my inner world and emotions, and often, especially when it comes to very shocking situations, I have no understanding of the nature, or even the magnitude of how that drastic event is really affecting me inside. I just feel it's all too overwhelming, and things go blurry in my mind. Until recently, I have never sought help because of this -- I thought I was fine, OK, it happens to all, I'll survive... only what I was going through was leaving lasting injuries/scars on my body and my mind.

[MarkJT]

Automaton, the really pleasing thing that i read was that final bit where you are going to seek out a diagnoses. Far to many are walking the big chuck of dirt we are on and are struggling but not doing anything about it. You have to see the GP and/or psych and get a diagnoses of what is going on. Then we are able to zero on in the route cause and offer some suggestions and advice on how to recover whilst you are being treated by a professional so really well done on starting this process off.

I have to say that i find it totally bizarre that you were clearly showing signs that you had autism but only once diagnosed did you get treated adversely by your parents. I would have thought that, that would have been the time to accelerate their support.

What do you do? Do you work? School? Uni?

The reason I ask this is that with PTSD and a whole host of other mental health injuries and illnesses, it is important that we try and maintain a somewhat normal life as best we can and within our limitations.

Getting regular exercise and have good nutrition is crucial. You must get out of the house and get stuff done. Now this could range from walking around the block once per day to running a long distance to keeping up a social calendar (as best you can).

The words "as best you can" are mentioned several times because early on in a recovery period, it can be hard to even get out of bed so the goal for that day could be to just get out of bed and have a shower. Goal accomplished. Small steps at the start then move up when you can.

You write incredibly well. Journelling is really good, so each day you would sit down and type out what you did the day before, what you felt, what were your feelings, what happened, how the psych appointment was etc.

The main thing to remember is that if you are diagnosed with PTSD, you can recover and you are most certainly not alone in this journey that you are on.

Now not knowing a whole lot about autism, what does it do to you?

Thanks for posting back.

Mark.

[Automaton]

Mark, thank you so much for your wonderful suggestions and advice. I do believe you are right in every aspect, and I will (continue to) strive to it.

My GP had concluded I have moderate-to-severe depression and loads of anxieties, and has referred me to an excellent psychologist, who deals with autism. Throughout this ordeal of visititing the clinic -- which was a heartracing, life-and-death event for me -- I think I have finally learned to accept myself with my disability and all my limitations. It pushed me to my limits, and it taught me that I am who I am, that I need to accept my flaws and learn to live and to achieve with them.

About my parents' behaviour, tell me about it, "normal" people often don't make any sense to me, but I have taken the courage to write to, and have talked with my dad today, and it seems my parents freaked out, and were going through some stuff of their own, and so they took the wrong thinking and approach, and made many mistakes (that hurt me) along the way. All I can take from this is that they're sorry for what happened, that they still care for me, and that parenting is not easy -- but it's definitely a huge step forward...

Regarding your first question, I work, though only a small, casual job at the moment, as my career had fallen apart because of my broken state. I hope to change that as I fix myself.

Funny you mention journalling, as somehow I came to the same conclusion myself the moment I started preparing to see a psychologist -- I started making notes daily about my autism, and my mental and physical health. But I guess you mean it more as therapy, and on that I would have to agree as well -- it really does help to write things down, if for nothing else than to remember them, and put two and two together later. My understanding of myself started to improve the moment I started writing about my state.

I'm still pretty sure I have PTSD that's tied to my life experiences as an (undiagnosed, unaware, and unprotected) autistic individual in society.

Now, to answer the bigger question, every autistic individual experiences autism a little differently, but the best way I can briefly describe it is that the outside world is too overloading, and you can't always communicate with it, but at the same time your body also often falls out of sync with you, and you can't tell what's going on inside. This makes it extremely difficult to handle and learn from social situations, cope with input, and manage yourself.

[Guest_322]

Hi Automaton,

My heart goes out to you. I applaud your proactive approach in seeking an explanation for why you saw/see the world differently to a lot of people, which in your case, a lot of it can be attributed to Autism.

Your post struck a chord with me as I work part time (and study full time) with people with a range of developmental disabilities (sorry, I hope that term doesn't offend you- it's the term that my work uses). I don't work exclusively with people with ASD but some of the service users (clients) at my work have it.

I'll probably pop in later this week again- gotta dash to class soon.

Dottie x

[MarkJT]

Automaton, just so much positivity coming out of your last post.

yes those first visits to the psych office are difficult but you did it. You went and you engaged with the psych. No one else did that for you, you did it. So awesome and to see that you are accepting you for you, that is brilliant. If everyone stopped and realised that they are not perfect, the world would be a whole lot better off.

The work you have done to mend the relationship with your parents is outstanding. That took some courage to do and you have recognised that. A huge thing to realise that is. I am hoping massive that this continues an upwards scale and you get to have a great relationship with them.

I took 2.5 years to get back to full time and that is relatively quick for PTSD in Emergency Services so don't rush in trying to get a full time job. Would love for you to spend a fair bit of time on yourself. Do not feel that you are letting anyone down or that you owe this person or that person. You are #1 here.

Yep you are right - journal as a form of therapy. You have such a way with words - it is great to read. I could see you doing some awesome work in the forums should you choose to partake in other threads. That by no means is suggesting that you have to of course. I want you to look after you but sometimes chatting to others is really healthy and good for you. I often get lost in my words but you have an awesome way of writing.

Much respect to you for not only living with autism but then throw in a few mental health conditions...geez that must be difficult but here you are, living. So cool that you are making the best of it all. Just so cool.

Mark.

[Automaton]

Wow, I'm quite overwhelmed be your praise. Thank you so much, Mark, you're giving me courage. From my own perspective, it's about giving up your ego, your pride, and just trying to survive and live with whatever's happening in your life. If I started to worry about how I'm changing through all this, I wouldn't get anywhere -- it's something I can't afford to do. So I have to trust it is for the best, listen to what my body and my intuition are telling me, and try and concentrate on living in the moment. I've accepted that I'm broken, and that's probably the most important step to recovery when your person has fallen apart due to accumulated mental illness(es), but at the same time, we need to have respect for life, especially our own, even if we *are* flawed for life. We only get one chance, one body, one life, and we need to make the best of it. It's no use reminiscing about what could have been, or what should be, ideally -- we need to be who we are, and live with what (little) we have. And it is very important to note that only you know what's best for you, and you need to fight for your own rights -- don't let anyone impose upon you anything you're not ready for or don't believe in your heart will help. I think that's key to staying safe, and making healthy progress. Listen to your (messed up) body, listen to your intuition. Our body is always trying to balance itself, to survive, no matter how unreasonable or (visually/socially) strange it may seem what it suggests. It's our best, wisest guide; consider what it's saying in full.

I've learned the hard way that pretending you are more than you are ultimately only leads to self-destruction. You need to truly be who you are, not pretend, even if that means your limitations will come to light, and that you're faulty/different/disabled in some people's eyes. Be the best of who you are, with respect, proudly, and don't pretend you're something you're not (for anyone's sake).

I will gladly participate in the forums (that's why I signed up), and try and help others. I'm still new to all this, and that's making me patient/hesitant, but once I gain confidence in my own recovery, I will surely start to part my experience with others.

Once again, thank you so much for your fantastic advice -- I will keep it close to my heart.

And, in closing, once again, we have what we have -- no more, and no less. We need to make the best of it. If we're broken automatons, at least we'll be broken automatons with a heart. ❤️

[Automaton]

Thanks Dottie,

Great to hear you are working so hard, but please make sure to take time off to unwind properly, and fill yourself with life again daily. We can't just keep giving, we need to take care of ourselves as well -- otherwise we'll wear ourselves down, and risk a serious injury (mental, emotional, or physical). Being strong means not working till we drop, but knowing when and how to take breaks, so we can recover, grow, and fight on.

The term doesn't offend me, it's what I have, how my body is made up. At the end of the day, it's a difference, whether it's a curse or a gift/blessing depends on what context and environment you put it into. It *is* a disorder when compared to typical human development, but some wise philosophers would argue here that there is no such thing as a typical human being, or typical human development -- only stereotyped categories we create in order to have to think less about people. XD

You sound passionate about your work, and I look forward to hearing about your experiences. ^_^

[MarkJT]

Automaton, mate i do not have to tell you to much because every word that you have wrote above is spot on the mark. You know what you have to do, you know what you have to think and you know how to behave. You just need to realise that you have this knowledge and you can do it.

When my PTSD came home to roost in a massive way, i lost my self worth, my ego (not that i am an egotistical person) and all decision making ability. Not so long afterwards, i was very lucky to have some self reflection and accept who i now was. Massive point on the road to recovery. You have this also.

I want to you to recognise that you are recovering. You will be fine. You will be fully functioning again.

What are the chances of changing your name in here? You are not an imitation of a human being, you are a human being who is capable of displaying great courage. You are a human being who has taken on some of life's greatest challenges and will succeed in them and you are a human being that in time, will help so many others. I think that you are under estimating who you are and your name should reflect someone who is alive, not just surviving but alive.

Mark.