Where do I fit in?

[Greybird]

This is my first post here. I am not new to any of this but it has been a long time since being on a forum. I am somewhat nervous about writing down my stuff but here goes. I am around 60 yr old, have suffered depression for most of my life. I have severe depression, anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD and I'm a Transsexual. I have many issues around these major ones. I don't feel like I am mentally ill but of course I am classified as such. I have had all sorts of treatments with all sorts of professionals. My symptoms always remain though some things have helped at various times. I struggle on a daily basis to make life worthwhile, I know I am self critical and have issues around self worth and the ever constant feeling of being different and feeling like I'm an alien (I'm sure you are not strangers to these things).
My history is very long and not easy to tell but I will spare us all by not fronting you with it. I am here for support I think, I am tired of a lifetime of struggles but want to find some enjoyment in my latter years and some understanding so I don't feel so alienated. It isn't easy fitting into society and I'm not very good at it though I am intelligent, compassionate, funny and a listener (you can't survive this long without having some good traits). I don't even fit into the "Transgender" community as I'm an "oldie, with old style values". I have no trouble being myself in public and no one would know differently until I tell them, when I make new friends I do eventually tell them as for many to not tell them is akin to lying to them, as I said, need understanding, not judgement.
I did something silly just recently, I started a new diet (ketogenic) and lost 20Kg and was very happy, just the change of eating no sugar, wheat/cereal and eating good unsaturated fats brought about clarity of mind and a vigor I had not known for over 35 years. To me it felt like my depression/anxiety etc. had disappeared... (oh and I had also given up cigarettes, alcohol and pot) so the last wall to come down was my medication... that was the silly part... I did it far too quickly and of course a serious relapse. So back on the meds and feeling subdued with tail between my legs. In what appeared to be mania to my friends I said a few home truths that cut close to the bone and was firmly chastised by my friends for it. I realise I am not up on social etiquette and I was over the top, I learned a hard lesson but left me feeling terrible and somewhat confused.

[Greybird]

Dear Croix, I don't mind you calling me Grey... I wanted another name but it was already taken so this one was second choice. I'm not an artist in it's purest form, I'm a digital artist. I am a computer geek (Microsoft Cert. Professional), write music on my computer, do art on my computer, produce videos, just about everything on the computer. That is a self portrait (of when I was a bit younger) 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Grey, thank you for that.

looking like I have it together while inside a war is raging

I can only speak for myself, if I have an outward appearance -smile- hurt -calm - crying - or anything else, then I can sometimes find a little percolates though to the inside. No all, but sometimes a little. One reason I try to put on a smile despite internal adversity.

I don't have much to say at the moment except I'm hopeful you are finding a place to be at peace with comfort and security. I've followed your posts and admire the way you have come through such terrible times. That it is made by fellow humans, rather than happenstance, only makes them worse.

I was gladdened to see the smile by your name on your latest post in the Cafe.

You do have my best wishes and hopes

Croix

[Greybird]

🙂 & 😉

[Croix]

Dear Grey~

BTW you realize you are not limited in what you call yourself inside your posts, many use a another name as their signature.

wink to close and open one eye quickly as a hint or signal

Well the wink is appreciated. Levity is more than normally efficacious in here. In return let me mention that you have been talking some heavy experiences recently.

I find I need a contrast to lift the spirits when reminded with too much detail of things better suppressed (yes I know suppression is bad therapy and possibly even fattening).

There is another thread:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-

Where all and sundry can write fragments of happy or peaceful experience for them - and others - to draw upon in times of stress. There are no prizes for literary style or spelling (why am I telling you?), it just has to be far far removed from dark.

You may care to browse (I particularly recommend Rob Gruffudd's , whom you've met, work) or even contribute if it ever takes your fancy, you would be more than welcome. It can be hard to dredge something up I know, though I'm fortunate in having a period early on of gold.

I too am a computer crank - though I think I'm probably as much at home with a PDP 11/70 as the latest i7-7700K offerings. I too draw, edit videos and sound and also produce interactives. My work is sadly not that artistic, all nuts and bolts stuff - I wish it was otherwise.

Some change their avatar from time to time to display fresh works (now there's a hint:)

Croix

[Greybird]

Lol Croix, you are a character for sure 0-o.. I'll take you're advice and check out that space, though I have a hard time separating good experiences and bad experience because they all seem to be tied together. I don't think there is any event where I can say that it was totally good or totally bad. I have been writing a lot about my hardships but all around them are my good times as well, however, so that my saga was not all consuming I only presented that which caused me trouble so people may understand where my mental health issues have come from. I can also talk of my loves that were born out of those hardships but to most that is just spouting on. 🙂 (I do love smiling)

Happy Grey today

[Croix]

Dear Happy Grey~

but to most that is just spouting on

I honestly think that talking about harsh times to those that understand and care has a value - for both parties. While I'm not wise enough to know how the mechanism works I also believe similarly talking about the good has an effect too - for both parties.

So by all means talk of your loves it that takes your fancy. If those stories are laced with dark then you could put them here in your own thread, if light then perhaps that other thread.

Please don't think I'm pressing you to do anything, I'm not. I'm simply saying it's all ok. There's a different sort of freedom in here - if that makes sense. That can take getting used to.

Croix