A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

Automaton · ‎06-03-2017

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

rustee_nails · ‎25-03-2017

i really wanted to say how impressed i am in your knowledge,even within a personal matter. as a student of social work i could pick your brain all day .i mean it's gunna take me two weeks just to suck up the data you've recommended. so thankyou. also thankyou for clarifying stimming because i have always been aware of my car crashof introvert and extrovert and my general over or understimulation in my life.and from early buddhist understandings and access to good medical libraries and the web from day 1,i learnt about the early days of western mindfulness and equated it with stimming.like i can't stand traffic lights,so i try to find something in the sky(leaf,cloud/architecture/sounds/smells) to take me away from the thoughtof what the people on the other side of the street think of me. but as soon as i hear that green man i'm off.it's really interesting to hear that sometimes you're not even aware ,as opposed to what i do which i have to make myself or i do get burntout easy. do you only stim uncontrollably when stresses are heaped on and you burnout?or do you find that your body does it automatically before it get's really bad?i ask because i saw studies on a sleep disorder that leads to parkinsons,and some of the footage looks like violent stimming but this sleep disorder lets the body move while it's dreaming and i was wondering if this disorder,which has been treated with ********** for 75years (either that or that's how long they've diagnosed it.)could be a body that doesn't have the brain process's to self stim without waiting for the brain to slow.it would be interesting to read about what parts of the brain fire during stimming and see if they arein anyway similar to that of a person entering REM sleep.in particular the part that controls turningoff the non vital muscles. because as far as this doco seemed to profess ,they haven't changed thetreatment of this sleep disorder since it was first diagnosed and i'm sure the tens of thousands whosuffer would all rather be able to treat themselves with mental excercises than relying on anticonvulsant benzodiazepines .

Automaton · ‎25-03-2017

Well, this is a bit of an alternative subject, but talking about Buddhism and meditation practices, I have found that, when I give into the need to stim completely (and enter my own world), it corresponds to the experience of one of the higher states of meditation: bliss (or "piti"). I was able to reduce my need to stim by meditating daily. But, in the end, stimming is still more practical, even if possibly not quite as thorough/effective. Deep stimming you can do while working on something, whereas deep meditation is usually a stationary act. Even compared to moving meditations such as tai chi, to me, stimming seems to serve more practical/effective for daily life.

I do need to remind myself to stim at times, especially when my life is filled with action. You can learn to notice when you need to stim by paying attention to your body. To me, it usually comes initially as a small, involuntary convulsion after tiring brain work, where I feel my body is trying to stim, but I am restraining myself from allowing it to happen naturally. The thing is, because of social pressure, many of us become experts at suppressing our urges -- which does more harm than good to our bodies. If I don't stim, the urge becomes increasingly stronger and more out of my control. When you feel that your mind and body are tired, and that you need to stim, retreat somewhere safe and take the time out to allow yourself to act to your body's needs, and self-regulate. Otherwise we build up too much stress, and that leads to autistic burnout.

Yes, I do tend to go on a long stimming "fit", and lose control more, after a strenuous day of mental/sensory exercise. I also have the urge to retreat into my special interests for comfort.

Not sure about the sleep disorder, but I would assume that most probably the body is trying to self-regulate, yes, in that person's sleep. I don't think medications or such treatments would help that self-regulation much. I think the person would need to find ways to self-regulate and ease the pressure on their body throughout the day to lessen the effects of the night pattern. But this is just my personal perspective. I don't know much about this condition. Keep in mind that it's natural for the body to move during certain dreams. Our brain asserts control, and processes in the brain influence our behaviour. We even move and shift positions whenever uncomfortable during deep sleep. The body is always trying to keep aware of its health and state, and regulate.

Automaton · ‎25-03-2017

Also, re-reading you post, it seems to me that you may be confusing a meltdown/shutdown with a burnout. A meltdown (wild "tantrum" or debilitiating "overload") or shutdown (passive, disconnected, numb "absence") happen when immediate stress on the body and mind reaches a critical level (where the brain just can't take any more), and we temporarily break down and lose control, whereas an autistic burnout is a longer lasting health issue, where your body and mind have been exhausted and worn out, and you start to underperform in your abilities (or lose them) and become oversensitive to stimuli, while your body is truly struggling to recover from the serious damage all that accumulated stress caused. It's the neural equivalent of being physically nearly beaten to death.

No autistic person should ever have to experience autistic burnout, but, unfortunately, thanks to all that (extra) stress (and no care for our condition/health) in society -- and if we don't take constant, vigilant care to protect ourselves -- we do... This is where we get truly "disabled", where we lose our abilities, a part of ourselves, and are rendered helpless/useless. Recovery is really tough... I wouldn't wish this traumatic life experience on anyone...

So, if you want to continue to believe in yourself, retain your abilities, and stay strong and safe, please know your condition/situation well, listen to your body, and do take vigilant care. Our social lives are hard enough for neurotypical individuals to endure, let alone neurodiverse...

An no-one, NO-ONE, is made of steel or stone. We are living creatures with physical (and mental) limits.

Automaton · ‎26-03-2017

...if you want to break a man, take his sleep.

You couldn't be more right, Rustee. Food (nutrition), water, and sleep are the three life essentials.

For anyone struggling with shallow sleep and feeling unrested and sick in the morning, make sure you don't have low blood-sugar. I never knew this, but discovered it to be true. If I have enough food/sugar throughout the day, before going to bed, I sleep as sound as I used to...

(Of course, don't overdose on the sugar, either.)

Automaton · ‎27-03-2017

Yeah, it's official.... After a thousand talks, where I tried to reason with them and explain my difficult situation in detail, my parents are cold, heartless bastards who only care about me as long as there is something to gain from having me as their son. The parents I knew -- perhaps they were a dream all long, and never existed...

After pouring my heart out today, my mother's advice was that I'm crazy, and I need to see a serious psychologist, that I'm bringing ruin to my whole family, and that I should try and behave as she (and everybody else) expects me to be again, and put all this nonsense out of my mind.

Both she and my father only contact me when they need something of me, and put on a pretense that they care, and they love me.

I'm sick of this. I would rather not have parents than have false ones. I would rather be all alone in the world than have so called "family" torture me like this. I don't need this... I really don't...

I think I am going to do the unspeakable, and sever my ties with my family, and leave them in the past. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think it is best this way. If I have any chance of survival, of making it, I feel I *have to* do this.

Guest_322 · ‎27-03-2017

Hi Automaton,

Apologies for my late response. I think it's fantastic that you are so proactive when it comes to looking after your physical and mental health.

Judging from your research, it looks like there are multiple possible causes of your imaginary-corner-of-the-eye sightings. Sorry, you don't mean floaters do you? Either way, hopefully your optometrist can help you get to the bottom of things.

Dottie x

Guest_322 · ‎27-03-2017

Hi Automaton,

Your mum's cold comments must have hurt immensely. Sadly, sometimes the people we love the most are also the ones who have the power to deliver the greatest emotional blows.

You trusted her with your heart and she basically betrayed that trust by calling you "crazy" and putting you down. That must have stung. You're probably still stinging from her words.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You deserve support and love from your family, not put downs, blame and name calling.

Dottie x

Automaton · ‎29-03-2017

After breaking it off with my parents, to my great shock/surprise, my father came to see me, and for the first time he truly listened to my side of the story, and what I'm going through, and I feel he finally understood the hardships I've been through, and what I'm facing.

He said he will talk to my mother, but that it will likely take quite some time for my family to absorb/understand what's been happening to me, and to accept it. Every time they suggest something along this line, it makes me feel like it's somehow my fault. The funny thing is, none of this is my doing. I never asked to be born autistic, for my body to burn out due to too much stress, and I didn't make myself consciously go through the traumas I've experienced. I was a child growing up the only way I knew how to live/achieve/survive and to try and fit in, to the best of my abilities. I've tried really hard, and that was simply too much on my body. I told him that.

Neither me, nor my parents are truly responsible, because none of us could have known what was really happening. I wasn't able to explain myself well enough to them, and my parents made some critical blunders at my coming out that left us all scarred.

The nicest thing was when my father told me, as we were walking along the beach, that he now understands that I am a wounded soldier, a severely injured warrior, and that I need time to heal and to recover before I can fight again, my way. I think I will cherish this memory, of his acknowledgement and support, forever.

Guest_322 · ‎30-03-2017

Hi Automaton,

What a moving and unexpected turn of events. I'm so relieved your father came through in the end. I think it was a huge wake up call for him.

I'm glad he is now listening and trying to understand. Hopefully your mum comes through too in good time . But, for now, your dad is clearly on your side and wants to support you.

Yeah, it wasn't your choice to have autism any more than others were dealt the alltistic card instead. I guess it was just luck of the "draw" that autism was the card you were dealt. Could have been any one of us but it happened to be you in this instance.

You did/are doing the best you can. And mad props to you for your tenacity and resilience to thrive in a world that caters more towards alltistism and autism. No wonder you're feeling burnt out.

It does sound like you need to rest and recuperate to regain your strength so you can take on this world with gutso! I am so glad things are starting to look up on the family front. You so deserve their support.

I'm proud of you. But more importantly, I hope you're proud of yourself.

Dottie x

Guest_322 · ‎30-03-2017

*caters more towards alltism than autism

This is what I get more being shockingly lazy at editing haha.

oops for the umpteenth time.

Dottie x