Supporting somebody who lost best friend

[AnnabelLee]

Hello everyone.
When i first found this forum i wanted to post my story straight away asking for advice. But then as i read couple of similar posts it started to getting to me that there is no answer really. As somebody said in one post, there is no ‘manual’. So why am i writing here really? I dont really know. Maybe i wanna just get it off the chest, maybe i want people who may understand me and relate to me to read it. They say ‘problem shared is problem halved’. So let me jump to my story.
Somebody close to me lost his best friend around 8 weeks ago in tragic circumstances (got shot to death) To add to that around 2 months prior to that he lost his beloved dog. That was kind if dog that was with him when he had episode of depression earlier this year. That dog battled cancer this year ( that was partially reason if that depression) When his dog was dying he said that ‘he cant live without her (dog)’ and that he will kill himself if something happens to her. So we basically can say within few weeks he lost his 2 best friends. After his dog died he wasnt really doing well, withdrawing himself, he actually had to move back to parents as couldnt stand living at his place without his dog. Now back to his friends death. After that happened he completely cut himself off. Then he told me what happened. Since then we only exchanged few messages. Last time he responded was 3 weeks ago and told me that he doesnt want anyone close to him these days. When he explained me what happened he said that he feels nothing matters, loving and caring doesnt matter anymore, that he sees future as blank space. And when his dog died he told me that after what happened he was afraid of getting attached to me (because of pain of losing).
So now after losing his friend i guess he is sinking into depression. So its not only grief hes dealing with but depression. As probably that loss opened so unhealed wounds from the past. Without going into too many details i can say he was different from other kids at school. And because of that he was bullied and beaten. He lost few friends back then because of that. So i can see and i guess that feeling of losing is coming again to surface.
And because of the circumstances of his friend death he may be struggling with PTSD as well. So i dont really know what im majorly dealing with here. Grief, depression, PTSD, anxiety? Mix of all? Thank you for reading. Feels better to be able to share it with people who may understand and can relate.

[Croix]

Dear AnnabelLee~

I tend to tell people there is no manual, however that is normally so they can see that it is a situation in which everyone struggles, and the the right answers for one are not right for another.

It does not mean there is nothing that is helpful, it means you have to feel your way -and be prepared to accept that you may make mistakes, which is OK.

As you say you do not know what you are dealing with, however that is the job of a professional. A friend in a violent death can have far-reaching effects, as does simple loss and grief. Being bullied can leave huge effects too.

So I guess one thing that you should bear in mind is that your friend should be seeking professional support - seeing his doctor for a start - and that whatever can be done to encourage this is good. It may be his parents or someone else he takes notice of are the ones to help here, then again it may be you.

How much you attempt contact has no right answer, it could vary from day to day. Your instinct is all you have. As a general rule if it was me I'd not try to talk about anything heavy (unless your friend says he wants to of course) but try to find things that you both would normally enjoy.

Are there things you could do? From listening to a new song to going to the pub to visiting a friend to watching a show on ... well you would know best. The idea being to remind your friend of good times, get him to start to look forward to events.

If he says he does not want to get too attached don't argue or protest, just say OK and do what you intended anyway..

Frankly I'm guessing.

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

[AnnabelLee]

Thank you Croix for the response. It actually makes me touched that somebody invests time and effort to answer some stranger. I really really appreciate it.

Few more explanations to my previous post since as i said i had to cut it down and it exceeded the limit.
We were in distance relationship and it was still very fresh, just 5 months since we met online. So unfortunately i cannot physically spend time or visit him. He also doesnt want to talk to me right now ( which i understand and try to not be too hurt about it). He doesnt respond, unless i ‘push him’ like i did few times in the future before i started understanding the problem.

Since he told me he doesnt want anyone close to him now im trying to give as much space as possible, but still i feel like i need to check up with him every few days. So i just write him ( like ive noticed most people in similar situation) that im here for him, im not going anywhere, im not gonna let him go etc.

I just wonder whether sending him song, or book recommendation would be too much? I guess at this stage is mostly grief hes dealing with as its still very early stages. I dont know how person who is grieving would respond to such messages. I dont want to come across as insensitive. I mean like that he lost his best friend and im sending him song or book or video clip ( none is related to death or depression they are just things i believe he would find interesting and enjoy them normally). I dont want him to perceive that as me ignoring his loss and wanting him to move on and start enjoying things he used to.

As for doctor thats out of my hands now. I cannot bring this issue with him atm as im sure it will make him shut more and wont give any results anyway at this point. But i know that somewhere down the line he will have to to that. I read somewhere that doctor/ therapist wont even consider therapy / medication unless its been over 6 months post loss. As untill then its still considered normal uncomplicated grief.

As for now im trying to focus on myself. Its just so hard ‘hanging’ inbetween, not knowing what the result will be etc. I love him and i know he loves me too ( or he did) so i dont want to let him go, but then it hurts thinking that i may spend all this time commiting myself to him and because of the circumstances he will decide that we need to go separate ways.

Thank you again.

[Croix]

Dear AnnabelLee~

It is a very hard time and I hope that you have your own support, it makes a world of difference not struggling on in isolation.

While not a doctor I would suspect if someone has a history of depression then it may well be appropriate to treat, taking the grief and the condition together, I guess he would have to ask his doctor.

As for seeming insensitive, I think that is highly unlikely. He may not wish to play a song, or read a book at the moment, however that does not mean he is blind to intent. Provided you do not overwhelm him with too much to quickly I would guess it would do good, at least he knows you are taking the trouble to try.

Croix

[AnnabelLee]

Thank you for your response and sorry i went quiet. Was reading quite a lot of forum and made me very depressed so had to take a break. My own black dog started acting out too.
Now im back and im hoping to contribute to the forum more since i’ve been dealing with episodes of depression and anxiety and loads of other things too.


Back to my issue though. Still contact is almost non existent, however i sent him video last week, then i wrote him few sentences ( that im with him etc). He sent me song too. Its very sad, heartbreaking song, about losing loved ones.
Next day I messaged him again explaining( yet again) that if i go quiet for a while its not that give up on him, but im simply giving him space.
Next morning he answer that he would completely understand if i do ( give up on him)
Its just breaking my heart that he seems to be suffering so much and i cannot help him, nobody really can.

[Croix]

Dear AnnabelLee~

You may be doing more good than you realize. It is just about impossible to gauge how much we can affect someone else in this sort of situation. I'm speaking from personal experience.

A family member's partner died very young (30's) due to cancer. I spoke to the grief-stricken spouse on the phone every day for a couple of months. Sometimes more than once.

It was a terrible time, I'd dread the phone ringing, felt helpless, tongue-tied and a failure at giving comfort. I tried everything from sympathy to jokes.

Some years later that person told me how much of a difference those calls had made, in fact the difference between life and death. I was amazed.

So there is communication between you, even a song. OK it is a sad one, not surprising, but it is something. Do you think it might be a good idea to simply ignore his references to you giving up on him and concentrate both you minds elsewhere?

We have talked about your friend, now how about you, what support, medical and personal do you have to tide you though this time?

Reading this place is not easy, in fact you have to read between the lines. We have an awful lot of people who come here in distress, and that is more of a concentration than you get elsewhere. Add to that a person many be here for quite a long time wrestling wiht their problems, then depart as they improve. There is no 'equal time' for the happier experiences.

I have a thread called

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

Its a bit like a bank, withdrawals and deposits equally welcome, a hedge against future dark times. Have a look if you like.

Croix

[AnnabelLee]

The hardest part in all that for me is outside world and their opinion / advice. As i mentioned before i believe some of people we know are not even aware what happened as he didnt tell them. Others who know, dont seem to understand. For example just had conv with my dad who asked me about him. Told him, that not really much change. My dad thinks its must be convenient for him to keep the contact that sparse and that he doesnt care about me. It really not only hurts me, but obv puts doubts in my mind and is fuel to my anxiety.
Im really trying hard to work hard on my issues. I mean i have been past few months but for last few days i feel im just slipping back. Because of my awareness of my issues, trying the mindfulness, now it feels different. Its not so dark and anxious and helpless. It doesnt feel like internal pain so much. Its more like peaceful sadness and nostalgia and feeling of giving in to whatever is happening ( or even more like giving up).

Thats how im feeling recently. Like damn, i cannot go like this for weeks, months. I just wanna give up. I miss him so so much. I miss messaging with him, talking on the phone, hearing his laughter. So many more things i wanna know about him, have so many questions. Im thinking about him 80% of the day. Sharing things with him in my mind, talking to him in my head. There is no solution for missing somebody really.

And when they give you a bit of that feedback like he did with the song and the message about giving up on him you start having hopes that the communication will get slowly restored. You start having flashbacks, start feeling a bit of that connection again, start remembering of conversations you had and start having expectations. And those expectations are obv not met.

Im trying to focus on present as much as possible, working on mindfulness, its so hard, nearly impossible. My mind constantly wanders off all the time.


I had a look in the thread you mentioned, but to be completely honest reading/ thinking of memories from past gives me big feeling of nostalgia.
But generally thank you for directing me to ‘staying well’ sub forum, had little read there.

I also got back to playing piano again, going to gym. Those are things im trying to do to keep myself grounded in the present. But i feel they are merely distractions.

Sorry for rambling, im just very emotional and sad recently.

[Croix]

Dear AnnabelLee~

First off I don't think your dad's comments were at all helpful. They made your friend sound calculating, and from what you say I very much doubt that is the case. As for others, there is a saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes before being able to understand.

8 weeks since the death of a close friend is not long at all, so making any form of judgment based upon the amount of time that has passed has a good chance of being wrong.

Trying to live though all this with no end in sight is very hard, my heart goes out to you.

You of course are grieving too, as well as worrying the relationship might be finishing. Going to the gym and resuming your piano playing are excellent and sensible things to do. You can call them 'distractions' or 'coping mechanisms', they can still be a help, irrespective of the label you use.

Are there other things you might be able to do to that are enjoyable?

Talking of mindfulness, I'm hopeless unassisted and use a free smartphone app called 'Smiling Mind'. Takes a fair bit of practice but I find it a great help, then again that's just me.

Of course there is no need to apologize, you are hurting and talk about it, which is natural and human - and healthy. Please feel relaxed enough with being here to say whatever you wish, it will be fine.

Croix

[AnnabelLee]

Thank you.

I thought my thread died, but as i sit and read on ‘staying well’ subforum i keep coming and checking every now and then. Takes a while to get used to all of the forum and get familiar with all of it.


I will say that your reply made me genuinely feel better for a while, so thank you again.


I also came across another forum, there is loads of threads similar to mine. One is pages and pages long of people who went through same. Someones close relative/ friend died and they push their partner away. Sometimes they try to get back but they eventually break up either because they feel they are burden to their boyfriend/ girlfriend and they are not worthy of them, or they simply turned cold and dont love them anymore.
I feel i lost hope. It may be just phase though. Im not giving up on him, im not moving on. But im falling apart. Its the most indescribable pain when somebody you love is suffering and you cannot help them.
Now im blaming myself for letting him love me. For coming into his life. No, it wouldnt prevent his friend dying i know. But maybe would make things easier for him if i wasnt in his life.
What i cruel and horrible world that is. How we are supposed to live knowing that something horrible can hide behind every corner. That any second we can lose our loved ones.

I dont want to enjoy life anymore. Now i feel like im going back to that dark, but comfortable place where only death is an answer. No im not suicidal, i never was and never will i guess. I just cant wait for this life to end. Cant wait for all this wordy pain and suffering to end. After death it will be peaceful and safe. Finally.

[Croix]

Dear AnnabelLee!

First this forum is not like a on-line chat. It takes time for people to respond. I try to log on once a day, but sometimes cannot make it, so my replies are slow, many others are in the same boat. It is no reflection on you or the importance of what you have to say.

The second thing is I genuinely think your ideas are getting off-track. I can see myself in the sorts of self-blame things you are saying. I thought like that when depression was taking over and doing my thinking for me, and doing it so subtly I did not realize. I thought all the ideas were mine - and logical

May I suggest you see your GP and say how you feel? It can seem a big step, however life can be an awful lot better than wanting it to end. True no one can make your friend suddenly return to how he was, but it is something that does happen with the right support.

To think you should not have come into someone's life is just plain wrong, and as I mentioned before you are not realizing the help you are being just by being there. Humans need human contact.

Peace, safety and enjoyment are all very much here in life. I've been steered towards them and you can be too.

Croix