Supporting somebody who lost best friend

[AnnabelLee]

Hello everyone.
When i first found this forum i wanted to post my story straight away asking for advice. But then as i read couple of similar posts it started to getting to me that there is no answer really. As somebody said in one post, there is no ‘manual’. So why am i writing here really? I dont really know. Maybe i wanna just get it off the chest, maybe i want people who may understand me and relate to me to read it. They say ‘problem shared is problem halved’. So let me jump to my story.
Somebody close to me lost his best friend around 8 weeks ago in tragic circumstances (got shot to death) To add to that around 2 months prior to that he lost his beloved dog. That was kind if dog that was with him when he had episode of depression earlier this year. That dog battled cancer this year ( that was partially reason if that depression) When his dog was dying he said that ‘he cant live without her (dog)’ and that he will kill himself if something happens to her. So we basically can say within few weeks he lost his 2 best friends. After his dog died he wasnt really doing well, withdrawing himself, he actually had to move back to parents as couldnt stand living at his place without his dog. Now back to his friends death. After that happened he completely cut himself off. Then he told me what happened. Since then we only exchanged few messages. Last time he responded was 3 weeks ago and told me that he doesnt want anyone close to him these days. When he explained me what happened he said that he feels nothing matters, loving and caring doesnt matter anymore, that he sees future as blank space. And when his dog died he told me that after what happened he was afraid of getting attached to me (because of pain of losing).
So now after losing his friend i guess he is sinking into depression. So its not only grief hes dealing with but depression. As probably that loss opened so unhealed wounds from the past. Without going into too many details i can say he was different from other kids at school. And because of that he was bullied and beaten. He lost few friends back then because of that. So i can see and i guess that feeling of losing is coming again to surface.
And because of the circumstances of his friend death he may be struggling with PTSD as well. So i dont really know what im majorly dealing with here. Grief, depression, PTSD, anxiety? Mix of all? Thank you for reading. Feels better to be able to share it with people who may understand and can relate.

[AnnabelLee]

Im really sorry if i came across like im expecting immediate answer. That was not my intention at all. Quite the opposite. I was surprised that you still bother replying to me. I understand its just forum and there is loads of threads and people have their lives too.


I was actually thinking about seeing gp. I dont personally think antidepressants are right answer for me but i will ask for them. I just want something to numb, to not feel.
I cannot go on like that as i feel im just going down and down.


Regarding my friend. Im getting so hurt recently getting all that feedback from others. There is like a group chat which im not on but he is and friend sent me screen shot. He ( my friend- ex partner, whatever you wanna call it) was there just talking and acting normally. And then there is that other activity/ game we used to do together. But then soon before all those bad things happened we decided to quit. He is back to doing that recently. Im trying to not take it personal, i know its not about me, may have nothing to do with me. He may be just trying to distract himself etc. But it still hurts. Makes me feel like i dont matter if he is doing those things without me. Without telling me. It makes me want to act crazy. It makes me want to tell him im stepping back. But i know i will regret it if i do. And i promised him so so many times i wont give up on him. So i dont want to break that promise just because of my sick mind flooded by anxiety. I just want my mind to shut up. All those thoughts to leave me alone. Let me be.

[Croix]

Dear AnnabelLee~

Some people find the gap between post and answer is a worry, I simply did not want you to feel abandoned, which is why I explained - OK?

If your ex is seeming to behave normally on social media it really could mean anything, and your idea of distraction could well be true.

What is also true is that constantly not knowing where you are takes a very heavy toll. As you say thinking about the relationship and him 80% of the time is a great pressure. Although it might seem impossible I would think you need to draw some barriers, have some distance in which to try to enjoy a normal life.

Thar is why I thought your resuming the piano and the gym were pretty good. The more balance you can get between his situation and the ordinary things in your life the better. Maybe seeing a GP or getting face-to-face counseling might be a good idea.

Do you think rather than having this open ended situation it might be worth thinking about a time-limit to aim for? Irrespective of the background circumstances nobody can go on forever in this sort of situation.

Croix

[AnnabelLee]

Thank you


What i need to do at the moment i believe is to find a way and strenght to withdraw myself from that for few days, maybe even weeks. Not make any decisions, not think about the outcome, just ‘ put it on the shelf’ for now. Question is how to keep my mind from constant wondering and thinking.


I actually prefer feeling depressed rather than anxious. As with depression im passive, helpless. When anxiety takes over i wanna act on it, i wanna challenge. I wanna sabotage things.


My fear of abandonment is kicking really badly. Im panicking that he is ‘brewing’ some bad news and just doesnt have guts to drop that bomb yet.


And thats how i feel right now. I literally wanna write him foul things, accuse him that he doesnt care, he doesnt make effort.
I wanna shake him, make him realise how much harm he is doing. Or just make him realise that im not gonna put up with his possible sh... if thats the case.
Or just write him that im out for a bit and not gonna write him for a while. My fear is that it could be confirmation for him of how he feels about himself. That he failed me and im giving up. We know how depression makes you feel about yourself. At least i know how it made ME feel. Very often i wanted to sabotage things not so much to test them but more like to prove that inner critic that its right. Nothing works for me and im a failure.

And thats why i believe i need to step back now rather than make any decisions. Or make any time limit. Which i dont want to make. As a codependent person I never want to make decisions anyway.
I need to stop trying to find answers. Why he cant even write to me, why is it taking so long, whats in his head, shall i get in touch with him every few days or leave him alone for a while.
I just genuinely wish he guided me. Whether he would prefer me to completely leave him alone for days or maybe messaging him every few days is ok and that makes him feel better. He just cannot find strength to reply and get into contact with me. It upsets me as it would make things so much easier for both of us.


Thats my ‘homework’ for next few days. Gather all my strength to step back for a while. Find something to keep me occupied both mentally and physically.

Thank you again for putting up with my rambling.

[smallwolf]

AnnabelLee,

Hi. I read much of your story, about your best friend lost his friends, and now not responding to you. I doubt very much you are a failure either as you mentioned in your last post. That is your mind playing tricks on you?

How did you feel after your last post? It sounds like you are hurt by his lack of replies. Was their any anger or perhaps frustration in that post about how this makes you feel?

Writing can be helpful and therapeutic. A way of getting the thoughts out of your head, and put them somewhere else.

My son had/has a friend who suffers from depression as well. I really should not go into too much detail, but he also stopped responding messages from my son. Why? Difficult to say. But when we depressed we might close off from others. I have done this also. The thing is, rather than closing off from the world and feeling worse about ourselves, we should engage with others who might be able to the help us out of the abyss.

And then if you do reach out to someone offering or asking for help, why dont they reply? I have friends that will reply immediately, and other that take days to reply. After a while I get used to it. But in some area i am very time conscience. But that was probably related to my upbringing also.

But the questions you posed above, might best be directed at him. If you ask him whether to leave him alone for a few days, and no reply, you could treat that as a yes. But you can tell him how you feel, and still show some empathy for his situation. Can you set a time limit on these things? That I cannot answer.

Tim

[AnnabelLee]

Hello and thank you for response.


Yeah you are very right. When i was writing my previous post my anxiety was talking for me.
I trust him and believe him that all his feelings are genuine, that he is not mean and careless. Problem is that my anxiety doesnt trust him. My anxiety will create whole background story from tiniest thing. Its just then when i think of things rationally i realise that i was overreacting. Everyone who has/ had anxiety knows how it works.


I am aware that people who are depressed quite often cut others off. I saw it many times in threads both here and all over internet. But what hurts me is that he pushes me away ( and probably other close people too as he told me at the very beginning that he didnt talk to his parents for a week), yet for other people, strangers, colleagues whatever you want to call them, but basically people who he doesnt have emotional bond with he is normal. Again i know it happens often, there is even logical explanation for that but it still hurts. It still fuels my insecurities that he doesnt really care about me if he can not talk normally to others but not to me.

I dont really know how to tell him about my feelings without creating feeling of guilt in him. I dont want him to feel that his behaviour is causing me distress. Because i guess there is not much he can do about it. That may put even more pressure on him and create vicious circle. So i just act strong and show him that im always gonna be his rock when he needs it.


So far im feeling bit better, hopefully its gonna stay this way at least for a while.

Thank you 🙂

[smallwolf]

AnnabelLee,

I know what I will say will be in a different category, but there are two instances where I had to tell someone what was happening to me. One was with my boss at work, and the other was with my wife. In both cases I did not really want to tell them, probably because the person I am is different to how they saw me. That and the frustration that I know/knew the thoughts I have are irrational. But in the end, I did have these conversations and felt better for it, like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. You said you feared that telling him would cause guilt in him. Maybe you could write down what you want to say on paper first. Then read it as if you were the person listening? How would you react? And you might have to the refine what you want to say? It sounds like what you want to say to him comes from deep concern, compassion and love for him.

As for him being able to talk to strangers, that is the easy part, as for that moment you are focused on something else. I sometimes wish I could talk to my wife the same way as I do with my psychologist, but that is a work in progress.

You recent posts have mentioned anxiety... have you had a chance to look at any of the threads here on grounding or mindfulness? Or you might want to the look at guided meditations as a way of stopping those thoughts from circling around in your mind. Different people use different tools, and what works for me, might might work for you. I also have prayer beads (you can call them worry beads) if I need something to hold onto to in times when things on my phone dont help. There is also a new thread on the forums about books to help with anxiety and depression. If you cannot find these, let me know.

Tim

[AnnabelLee]

Thank you


I stepped back a bit as past few days were really ups and downs for me. Started madications last week and for a while i thought they were making me worse, but maybe it will even out in a bit.
Started having moments when ive noticed that things that i used to love doing, they were actually my distraction, my filling the internal void, i didn’t enjoy doing recently. Im going to sleep early as im tired and not really bothered to do anything. Yet i dont feel depressed, more like withdrawn. Maybe I just need such break. Im just worried that slowly slowly i will start isolating myself as it will take time and be a process i wont really see it happening.

Im not sure whether i can post a link here but i watched this video recently and it’s really good. Not only it reminds us of importance of not constantly looking after others. But also explains the relation between mind and body.

https://youtu.be/c6IL8WVyMMs

And yes im working on mindfulness. I also downloaded ‘moodnotes’ sb mentioned in one of the threads ( dont rememeber which one). Problem is when i get into that ‘mood’ its like im hypnosed and i dont wanna come out of it. Somehow i love that low, miserable feeling.

Just wanna finish with lyrics of Portishead song:


Better if I could find the words to say
Whenever I take a choice it turns away
I'm worn, tired of my mind
I'm worn out, thinking of why
I'm always so unsure
I battle my thoughts I find I can't explain
I've traveled so far but somehow feel the same


Hope everyone can find their inner peace. Im still pursuing mine.

[AnnabelLee]

Im sorry im bothering you guys again.


I need advice. I came across opinion yesterday that contacting person who pushed you away is like not respecting their wish. It wasn’t in regards to my particular situation, more like in grief related break up generally.


It messed with my head i wont lie. As now i feel like I disrespected him by keeping in touch with him. Im questioning myself whether I made mistake. Not in the sense that i could have done something to prevent current situation. More like mistake as done something that could hurt him.


In my defence i can say that i asked him multiple times whether my writing bothers him, and if so he needs to let me know, because i never want to cause him any discomfort. Bc I don’t know how much space he actually needs. I followed by saying that otherwise i will just carry on like i have been so far ( txt every few days). He didnt answer/ say anything so i assumed it doesnt bother him. Bc he’d tell me, let me know or even block me if he’s unable to tell me. But now obviously im beating myself. Maybe he’s just unable to tell me. Maybe he doesn’t care ( not in mean, viscous way, more like he just doesn’t feel like he can relate right now). Maybe my writing just pushes him away more as it puts pressure on him ( most of times i just write how much i care, that im here, sometimes share song etc)


Even when he told me couple of weeks ago that he doesnt want anyone close to him right now and ask me to ‘ please try to understand ‘ it sounded more like ‘i need space now’ not like ‘get away from my life for good’. Same when he referred to me giving up on him ( said he’d understand if i do give up on him) he could just simply say just to give up on him, let him go etc. It’s all about wording for me, or maybe I’m just trying to read too much into it and between the lines.

I’m really sorry. I feel im sounding crazy. But thats how i feel right now. I was in such peaceful and good, calm place for past few days. Letting things happen and focusing on myself. But this now. It made my crumble. This and some other life problems im having right now made me feel like there’s literally no light at the end of the tunnel. Like there’s none.


I know im being clingy now. Behaving crazy. Im aware of that but i cannot help it. Im sorry if this post is messy. Im still struggling focusing and articulating my thoughts.


So please again. Can somebody give me their opinion? Was i really disrespectful towards his wish to be left alone?

[smallwolf]

AnnabelLee,

Hello again. Clingy? or Caring? Did he push you away? Or was be just asking for space?

It is fine line when somebody says that want space or want to be alone. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers here.How much time is needed when none is specified? And I also think that you answered the question yourself in your post when you said

"he needs to let me know, because i never want to cause him any discomfort. Bc I don’t know how much space he actually needs."

Without know what you are posting to him it could be a concerned friend reaching out to help the other. And if that were intent, you should have nothing to worry about.

Other than this matter, how are you going otherwise? And you are not bothering anyone here. 🙂

Peace and blessings,

Tim

[AnnabelLee]

Hello Tim


Wow thats such a speedy response. Im surprised and really grateful.


How am i doing. Hmm. I was doing well. I think i passed that first days of meds when they made me worse so started feeling much better. Was really getting to the point of trusting fate. Whats meant to be, will be.
Was feeling much more powerful about myself, started loving and accepting myself rather than feeling that im a failure.


Im reading book ‘The Worry trick. How your brain tricks you into expecting the worst and what can you do about it’. So i was doing pretty good, apart from few slips here and there. Trying to pick hobbies i used to enjoy years back. But tbh i feel like im just going in circles, cannot settle on anything. Trying to find something to keep me busy and occupied. But they work just for a while before i ‘get bored’ and need to move to the next thing. Just to come back again and again.


Just recently i also have quite a lot of stress in my own life regarding housing. Im in lets say unstable position that i dont know whats gonna happen in the future. And thats very much the consequences of my previous actions.


What do i write him. I do write him about my doubts regarding how to approach him ( but its not in pushy or insensitive way. Just letting him know that im trying to trust my intuition but dont know whats really the right way to do so im sorry if i did anything wrong). I write him sometimes simply that i love him ( again not put pressure on him or expecting anything, just to reassure him that i care and im here for him). Sometimes a song or a quote. Since the last (about 2 months ago) and only time i asked him whether he cares about me and whats between us and he said he doesnt want anyone close now i do not ask about those things, don’t question, dont push.


He changed his WhatsApp picture into most recent one. And seeing him absolutely breaks my heart. It opens the wound and shreds my soul into billions of pieces. And i feel the anxiety tapping on my shoulder. Telling me ‘ you see, he doesnt care about you, he moved on and living his life perfectly happily without you around’. Yeah i know. Changing picture doesnt mean anything.

I really dont know what to do with myself.


Thank you for reading my rambling, answering and being here for me. I really really value that.