Need Advice On Depressed Partner

[Pennywise]

Hello fellow warriors.

I'm posting today cos' I need a little insight or advice to help me understand my depressed partners way of thinking. I'm confused and dealing with anxiety myself so I need a rough idea of why hes thinking the way he is.

He's 30 and I'm 27. We've been together for 8years.We live together and have no children...only our 4 furbabies.

There has been alot that has happened in the last two months and it has been an emotional rollarcoaster (and thats putting it lightly). He broke it off with me just over a week ago but a couple days ago told me he made a mistake, he misses me and wants to be with me. He said he felt it was his only option at the time. That is a brief summary of the D&M we had but anyway back on point.

I wanted breathing space for the both of us as we cant support each other in our current states and its impossible to give each other space in the same house especially when you're both constantly worrying about the other person. We are in separate rooms by the way. One mintue he understands our need for space then the next he says he cant afford to move it and if he does hes afraid he'll lose himself and wont come back because hes stubborn.

What I'm having trouble with is this. We've both made it clear we love each other, want the future life with each etc (We were just on the road to buying a house and starting a family) but is this identity fear a common thing with depression? I told him I'm not moving forward in our relationship unless we have couples counseling. Theres been too much hurt and damage. Hes getting help. I actually took him to ED the other night cos he cant control his suicidal thoughts anymore. I told him I'm very proud of him being brave and asking for help as alot of people would do otherwise.

So to sum up, are these thoughts of fearing identity loss common with depressed men in particular? I'd like to hear your thoughts as well if you've been in a similar situation.

Thanks Guys.

[geoff]

hi Pennywise, I may not have all the correct facts here, but there are just a couple of points I would to say, I wonder how many people do have BPD but have not been diagnosed as such, well I would think that there could be a large number of people who could just put it down to them being difficult to communicate with.
My ex and I went to couples counselling but I was put on my back-foot because I was to blame for why our marriage wasn't working, but suddenly changed when my ex told the counsellor that I had been attacked by a couple of bikies and suffered a blood clot to the brain, so then his support was immediately for me, that was the last time we saw him after only 2 visits.
Psychologists should know what the defence mechanisms are in a person, so that's what they need to try and find out on his first visit, so it's good that this has happened.
The question whether he is getting better or just better at hiding it, well first of all, you do get better at hiding it in the beginning but over time it becomes too exhausting so you don't want to do it anymore, but this won't necessarily make it any easier for you to talk to him, because he may just close up and doesn't want to talk, and this does happen so often. Geoff. x

[Pennywise]

Hi Geoff.

Thanks for your reply. Its very interesting that our psychologist labelled all my SO's defence mechanisms straight away. BPD, from what I've read, is usually undiagnosed because its complex and is similar to other mental disorders. Not only that, its usually coupled with another disorder such as depression or anxiety etc which makes it even harder to diagnose.

After I looked into this disorder a lightbulb just lit up. I thought, OMG this is my partner all over. He does all of these things...spot on. But with anything its all about management. Ive certainly discovered a few things about him I didnt know and about myself.

I feel like we are gonna come through stronger for the first time. Couples counselling was the way to go but we still need time to re-establish trust etc. Much more happier times at the moment. Maybe its too soon but my heart is growing warmer and lighter every day.

Another session on Friday, till then stay strong all 🙂

[Cornstarch]

That sounds a little dodgy that the psychologist did that. Any health professional that slaps on a diagnosis such as BPD too quickly, when it isn't reasoned and thorough I would shy away from. There is simply just too much cross over. Also there are certain personality styles that tend to grab onto a diagnosis by the horns and begin to start replicating what they have read online, almost like mirroring the 'idea' of what BPD is.

You said yourself that it is very complex and I totally agree health professionals can end up inadvertently creating more 'sense of self problems' when someone is vulnerable to impressions and wanting to create an identity for themselves.

I would get a second opinion if you can afford it for something as complex as that. Because it determines the course of treatment and it is hopefully the treatment that is meant to treat and thus ease! You wanna get it right.

Google and online access to the DSM ironically is increasing people's distress in my opinion. We all have features, moments, instances of everything in there! I would balance being cautious with also addressing conditions early. I thought a psychiatrist could only diagnose.

Couples counselling sounds like it has been very positive and you're on to a winner there.

I hope both of your needs are being addressed because that will sustain the relationship in the longer term.

Good luck.