Need Advice On Depressed Partner

[Pennywise]

Hello fellow warriors.

I'm posting today cos' I need a little insight or advice to help me understand my depressed partners way of thinking. I'm confused and dealing with anxiety myself so I need a rough idea of why hes thinking the way he is.

He's 30 and I'm 27. We've been together for 8years.We live together and have no children...only our 4 furbabies.

There has been alot that has happened in the last two months and it has been an emotional rollarcoaster (and thats putting it lightly). He broke it off with me just over a week ago but a couple days ago told me he made a mistake, he misses me and wants to be with me. He said he felt it was his only option at the time. That is a brief summary of the D&M we had but anyway back on point.

I wanted breathing space for the both of us as we cant support each other in our current states and its impossible to give each other space in the same house especially when you're both constantly worrying about the other person. We are in separate rooms by the way. One mintue he understands our need for space then the next he says he cant afford to move it and if he does hes afraid he'll lose himself and wont come back because hes stubborn.

What I'm having trouble with is this. We've both made it clear we love each other, want the future life with each etc (We were just on the road to buying a house and starting a family) but is this identity fear a common thing with depression? I told him I'm not moving forward in our relationship unless we have couples counseling. Theres been too much hurt and damage. Hes getting help. I actually took him to ED the other night cos he cant control his suicidal thoughts anymore. I told him I'm very proud of him being brave and asking for help as alot of people would do otherwise.

So to sum up, are these thoughts of fearing identity loss common with depressed men in particular? I'd like to hear your thoughts as well if you've been in a similar situation.

Thanks Guys.

[Pennywise]

Hi Rom Thief.

Thankyou for thoroughly answering my question. We had our first session today and it seemed to go well.

I gotta admit, hes good, the psychologist I mean. He saw straight through my partners defence mechanisms and picked up on a few things. Not only that, the focus definately shifted to my SO, only cos he tried to downplay his issues. But positive session cos hes gonna work with us and believes he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is the first time ive heard it mentioned but from what ive read it definately fits along with his depression.

Psycholgist also mentioned the biggest (but minor) obstacle is our intelligence and his inability to trust people.

Next session on Monday but we both came out positive today so we'll see how Monday goes.

Fingers crossed my SO will take advantage and open up.

[Pennywise]

Does anyone have a success story about their partner with borderline personality disorder?

I ask because id like to know if a relationship can function with a partner who has BPD.

I guess im looking for some hope.

[Cornstarch]

I don't have any direct lived experience with BPD but I have made some observations about the condition that I've noticed could create let's just say, "stinking points in the relationship" that loop around relentlessly if they are not addressed. It's nothing new that hasn't been said a hundred times before.

The problem with me though is that some people think that I am a divisive person because I don't whole-heartedly side with the person with the mental health condition, I always look at both sides. This may inflame your partner because with the condition a mere difference in opinion is seen as a personal attack because among other things it appears to be a "safety disorder". They rarely feel safe and they see threat where there is no threat.

But I will write up my 2 cents anyway because I'm an opinionated cheeky cob of corn. Num num num num

[Cornstarch]

Does it have to come from someone with direct lived experience or can it be someone observing from an Obelisk so to speak.

[Cornstarch]

P.S.

I thought about it and I don't want to reply. I do want to help you and your partner but BPD is fraught.

Anything I write will be interpreted as a personal attack, that I am hitting on you or that I am the devil incarnate.

Best I say nothing.

I hope he is OK and begins to somehow see his goodness. How do you make someone see their goodness with a condition that only sees fault...........dreadfully difficult. But I reckon in time and with the right support he can.

Good luck to you guys, it's obvious you love each other.

[Pennywise]

Hi Cornstarch.

Sorry to read youve had a negative experience.Completely understand though.

Hes never had an official diagnosis until now so maybe i should try to be patient and let him process. Couple that with a depression breakdown earlier this year, you can understand why we're having a hard time.

As for the way he feels about me, it is confusing. He isnt expressing much emotion let alone saying that he loves me in the last month or so. Yesterday he said hes over the idea of having kids. Trying not to read into that either.

We're seeing a psychologist together so hopefully it'll help.

Advice can come from either side.

[Cornstarch]

Hi Pennywise,

Poor guy. That is just terrible. To be perfectly honest I should have BPD. Maybe that's my future who knows. I simply cannot understand why I do not. My middle name is "at risk". I'm gonna get a T-shirt made up that says "at risk" and wear it on the 16th day of every month just to be weird. No make that the 7th day because that is my lucky number.

I haven't had a negative experience I've only watched from afar, utterly perplexed as to how one can possibly help. Especially with conditions where "helping" in all its various forms can be misconstrued as having a jab at them.

How do you help someone that within seconds can deem you as out to get them or attempting to steal their lover? Everyone freezes under such reflexive scrutiny and becomes an incompetent. It's delightful feeling incompetent for extended periods of time isn't it.

It's a fallacy that everyone with BPD has had childhood trauma but a bloody lot have.

Is it too invasive to your privacy if I asked what type he is?:

Type 1 - BPD on the rocks

Type 2 - BPD + childhood trauma (no need to disclose what sort it's all soul-destroying & horrendous)

Type 3 - BPD + childhood trauma + primary caregivers who, for whatever reason did a lousy job but have passed from this earth.

Type 4 -BPD + childhood trauma + primary caregivers who, for whatever reason did a lousy job, and are still alive and therefore antagonising the BPD. Oh what fun.

All taken from Corny's Heirloom variety of the DS-NO-END

[Lightbeam]

Dear Pennywise

I extend my kindest thoughts to both you & your partner.

I do remember reading your first post & thought, this scenario is parallel to mine. At the time, I didn't respond, mostly as my 7 year relationship had unravelled in the most horrendous way, leaving me not only devastated but completely bewildered. My now ex partner, has a history of depression/PTSD & now possibly I believe, undiagnosed BPD.

I have only recently stumbled on BPD in my search for answers to try & understand my own experience of being on the receiving end of some truly awful behaviour, none of which was ever deserved. At the same time, I see a man who is hurting, hiding behind a mask & living a life of denial, which breaks my heart on so many levels. From what I have read & researched, BPD is extremely challenging for all involved & it has certainly provided an explanation that resonates with me.

It is great that you guys are seeking help, it shows great courage. I'm sure it will not be an easy ride. I truly wish you all the best.

xxx

[Pennywise]

Thanks for your replies guys.

Emotionally we're both spent. I've come to theconclusion that most of our problems or fights occur because we dont know how to communicate.

His childhood was not a pleasant upbringing. No father till he was 18 and Im not one to judge but from what hes told me his upbringing was inadequate. His mum didn't really know how to handle him and he ended up in foster care for awhile. He was raised among his three sisters. He mentioned sexual abuse in our session but this is the first time ive heard about it so im not sure if hes telling the truth or being manipulatuve. Its hard to tell but im not a psychologist so thats not my job.

Its very hard to support someone whos emotionally distant and nit allowing much more intimacy than a kiss or if im lucky a cuddle.

Guess im hoping we come out of this stronger but i guess thats up to him.

[Cornstarch]

That's really tough, you sound spent. Explosive jealousy I'm sure is a constant theme, seeing threats where there are no threats. But it sounds that his depression is the worst symptom at the moment in terms of not letting you near him.

It's a condition that is much more common in females. Interestingly a lot of men that develop it had a mother with the condition. There's a lot of arguments going on in medical science as to if child abuse and neglect is as relevant in BPD as previously thought, and the weighting of it's contribution. The reality is that millions of people have been abused and neglected but BPD's intersect the hospital system with more regularity so originally it was assumed that they must be the worst cases of child abuse. This is not actually proving to be accurate.

As to the problem with honesty and lies I don't really know what to say because it is a condition that can be driven by excessive shame. We all feel shame and ashamed at times but with BPD it's almost like they are in a constant argument with themselves. We all have an 'inner critic' but theirs is merciless on themselves, even punishing.

That said a partnership contains two people, and with honesty and lies as far as I am concerned it doesn't give them a free pass to hurt people and rules of behaviour still apply to them. You cannot medicalise someone's entire personality and nor should you. They're still them. If they attempt to medicalise their entire personality and %100 of their behaviour that is a major red flag to me and I don't think treatment will be as successful as it could be because they are not coming to the table. Successful treatment is ultimately what you both want.

The fact that he is actually attending psych appointments to me says that he has a really good chance of improving. With BPD it can be a battle to just get them to keep showing up. I suppose for you personally your own needs are clearly not being met and in the end you are %50 of the relationship no matter how unwell he is. How long you can cope with un-met needs, only time will tell. This doesn't make you uncommitted, selfish or expecting too much, it makes you human. Good luck.