Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Major adjustments and not coping

replies: 15

I posted a while back about my husband who has depression - he had a month as an inpatient then we had a months holiday with the kids which went pretty well and now we are all back at home. He is not working but fortunately has income protection so he has taken over house duties and the kids while I continue working my ordinary job and I have taken some casual work on top of that. I am tiring and losing hope - he is still depressed and angry and thinks he isnt on the right medication. I keep trying to say there is no magic pill, he has entrenched negative thinking and self talk and all this will take time. He does weekly groups and sees a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I guess I am going through a bit of a rough spot I feel like the life we once had has been broken, that my husband of many years has gone. I have tried to be supportive and loving over the last year but I feel like I dont know how much longer I can cope. He is so overly sensitive that I have to be really careful how I talk to him, suggestions are taken as criticisms, if i am tired he blames himself, if I am upset its all his fault, I cant really do anything without him interpreting it as relating to him. He doesnt work so he is alone with his thoughts all day while the boys are at school, I try to encourage him that this is a marathon, not a sprint, to do mindfulness and small things each day for his mental health but he just seems so stuck and I cant keep trying to prop him up. I guess I just wanted to get some of this out, its weighing heavily on me as I feel the kids are being impacted now, my oldest son has started negative self talk like his Dad and I thought keeping the family together was a good thing but now im not so sure. thanks for listening

Depressed boyfriend left me

replies: 1

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me yesterday. In the early stages of our relationship, i admitted to him that i had previously struggled with depression (my mum has cancer) to which he told me he had had recurring severe depression and insomnia in the past. For the the first 4 months of our relationship, he was very attentive, happy to see me and also loving and supportive. After having been in remission for a long time, my mum's health worsened and she had to be put back on chemo. I was pretty upset about this and often vented to him. Around this time i noticed he became very withdrawn and made less effort to see me. I thought this was him feeling i was a burden and not liking me anymore. I asked him around then if he wanted to break up with me and he said that he really didn't want that, yet he made no changes in his behaviour. I know last year when he was struggling he was on antidepressant medication which helped, though he admitted to me that recently he began using the medication again sporadically when he felt particularly down (in conjunction with heavy drinking). A few days before we broke up, he finally admitted that he was suffering depression and insomnia again, and that our relationship was wearing him down. Thinking it was my fault, i asked him what i could change to be more supportive and he said that we should give things another go because he didn't want to lose me because of his mental health. I gave it a few days and invited him to my house. He seemed great before wanting to go to bed early and not talking to me for an hour while he was on his facebook. We woke up late the next morning and he didn't want to cuddle me or any or the usual stuff, then told me he hadn't slept well. He was quiet all morning and then said that we needed to break up because he couldn't handle it anymore and he needed to be alone to get better. He was crying and saying he didn't want to do it but it's the only way he knows how to get better from experience. I asked him whether he would see a GP and try medication for his condition(which he says isn't caused by anything in particular/just his introverted personality) and he said he would, but he didn't think he could be with me for a long time and said i shouldn't wait around. He said i was the best thing to happen to him and he hated himself for doing this to us. I'm worried he won't seek help and will become suicidal, he thinks medication might make him feel numb. He keeps binge drinking. Please help.

Partner with Depression

replies: 1

Hello, I'm looking for some tips and advice on how to help my partner who has recently been diagnosed with Depression. He is only 23 years old but has encountered an unstable childhood causing him to feel worthless and down on himself. Since visiting the GP about 3 months ago he has been attending regular CBT sessions with a psychologist. At first he had not told me about seeing the psychologist (completely understandable) but once he did I offered to come and have since joined in on one of the sessions. I'm struggling because I don't think the CBT is enough to help him. It has improved his motivation for work but in his mind he still has the same thoughts of self loathing and worthlessness. As he is an only child he keeps to himself and feels like he is a 'burden' on anyone he shares this with. To help with this I purchased a journal for him to reflect in for the times when he doesn't want to talk. Please help!

Any advice? My husband has depression and anxiety.

replies: 13

Hi everyone this is my first time posting, I am hoping this may be a good place for advice and maybe a chance for me to vent as well My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teenager. He only takes half a tablet but this hasn't been reviewed for many years. I suggested it may be a good idea to check dosage but he gets defensive. I just wanted to help. I don't ask for much help because I know that he gets overwhelmed very easily but I have asked him to start spending more time with the kids to bond. I feel like he really distances himself from us sometimes and also has an alcohol problem, just wants to be on his phone or computer and drink to relax after work and always says how overwhelmed he feels. He recently found out that his liver isn't functioning properly so he started to cut back in the last few weeks. Last week he was fantastic! We were laughing, playful and I felt like things were finally getting better, then the weekend hit and this week has been a total 180! he is completely uninterested in any physical contact (including sex although this has been a problem for a while) and there is a total emotional disconnect. If I bring up how I am feeling about something he gets defensive. I try to give him space but after 8 years I kind of want some of my needs met too as selfish as that sounds. The kids and I are going away so he will have the whole week to himself next week which I Thought would be good for him, he said it sucks and he will miss us. I am so confused and feel totally rejected at the moment. I feel incredibly blessed with the life we have but he's always looking at the future and what we don't have yet and turns it negative. I can't talk to him about any problems anymore because I am walking on egg shells. If I mention anything about him drinking he will get angry and can say hurtful words. It's always turned back on me and I am blamed which always has me questioning what am I doing wrong? He has admitted to me that he only says them because he knows that's where it hurts the most. One minute he is the fun playful caring man I first met then the next I'm being completely ignored or blamed for something. I know he loves us, just want him to be happy. Sorry for for the large novel. I was just hoping to maybe hear from anyone in a similar boat with advice to help me help him. Or maybe somehow try to understand more about what he is feeling so I am able to support him without building any resentment. Thanks xxx

Partner depressed but can't see it

replies: 4

My partner of 1 year is in a bad way. I think he's depressed but he only goes so far to say he's "tired/fatigued/sleeps alot/cant take care of himself/miserable/cant see a way out of it/no energy". He is very successful in his career and makes alot of money. He stuffs himself with huge quantities of food and he admits this is a "food coma" so he doesnt get stressed about his problems. He has managed to keep his job and perform really well. He has gained so much weight (15-20kg in a year). He has gone off sex. He doesnt cry or anything but he can get anxious and admits to having anxiety. His sleep is on and off. He doesnt socialise. He comes home and flops on the couch n plays xbox. Hes 38. His father had severe depression at one stage and im not sure if he still does. What should i do? He is a tough, highly successful/intelligent man who seems resistant when i say "depression". He is on low dose antidepressant for a long time. Hasnt seen a psychologist for like 6 months. Please, please give me some advice.

Hi

replies: 5

Hello my name Chenelle I was wondering what I can do to help my dad that can help my mum?? My mum does have mental illness need help.

How do I help my husband and save my marriage

replies: 8

I have been married for 17 years and with my husband for 19 years. About 6 years ago my husband suffered depression but he got help and has been doing well. For the past 3 1/2 years he has been doing a very stressful job that has required him to be away from home during the week and return on weekends. But its a job he loves so I try and support him, this has been very hard and looking back my way of telling him I wanted home may not have been as clear as I thought, as he tells me he felt that I was not attentive enough when he was home. Unbeknown to me he has been struggling since November last year, although I only noticed changes in the past 6 weeks it has all come to ahead the past 2 weeks. His depression has relapsed and this time he said it feels very different. He doesn’t want to kiss me and tells me when he holds me it doesn’t feel the same. His answer to any of my questions is that he just doesn’t know. He has already sort medical help but states that he is not at a point of wanting to go to Counselling and that he just needs time. Over the past 6 months we have made some significant decisions relating to home and finances and I didn’t see any signs that he did not want these. Even to the day of him finally opening up we went ahead with a kitchen renovation and he didn’t say we shouldn’t be doing this. Part of me sees that he doesn’t want the marriage over but he tells me doesn’t know if he loves me. I am just so devastated I will do anything as I love him beyond words. He has gone away again – I told him this is his home and I want him here in any capacity. We have a 15 year old son who we have spoken to and been very open with and my husband told him to look after mum she will need you and this is not her fault. But its not just his fault I can see how I have contributed to his stress but for those things I simply haven’t had the control over these were normal life responsibilities and I felt like I was a single mum and just wanted him to help share. I am suffering this anxiety that I just can’t describe and am so scared that he will never come back to me. How do I get through this time ahead and how much space should I give him – I feel we need to still talk and him come home otherwise how do I fight to save our marriage and remind him of what we have? What do I do? How do I help him I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

My wife is in a dark place

replies: 11

Hi my wife was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 12months ago. I've had her seen a therapist and she is on medication. I thought everything was going along swimmingly till she hit me with a bombshell that she has had enough and wants out of the marriage. We have been married nearly 20years and have 2 beautiful children we have been together for nearly 25years. Now I know there is no one else involved I have never had a affair and never laid a hand on her and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either. Our sex life has dried up but I keep telling her that I don't care I just want to lay there in each other's arms. i won't leave my wife not with the state she is in but I would never leave her anyway. I know she is in a dark place but every time I try to talk she doesn't want to talk. Please help with some advice

Musings on selfishness

replies: 4

I often think of my partner, who has anxiety & depression, as selfish. I've seen that word used a lot on this forum too. I get this impression because he will only do things if he feels in the mood for it, meaning he can be really unreliable - he often will stop cooking right in the middle of dinner because he needs to get away (guess who has to finish it off); say that he will help me with something, but when the time comes cannot; & appears incredibly rude socially as he refuses to reply to invitations until the last minute, does not turn up when he says he will, or will turn up without letting anyone know (guess who has to try to smooth it over). In addition, if someone in the family is ill, his first comment is always, "do you think I might get it?" If someone is upset, he always assumes it is about him. Recently I was very stressed & upset about work and tried to turn to him for support. His reaction was: You are upset with me. What have I done? Stop getting angry with me. I eventually blurted out "Not everything is about you!" & then had to spend the next two days trying to make him feel better. I've been thinking recently that it isn't really selfishness, it is just that he is so worried about himself that every situation is framed around himself. Perhaps self-focused or egocentric rather than selfish. I know he does worry about me & the kids - but only in terms of himself: I've made her upset & it will ruin our relationship, I've gotten angry at the kids & they won't like me anymore, I offended that person & they won't talk to me now. I have never seen him worry about other people in the same way I do - ie, I hope my son is happy, How can I help lighten that person's workload/make them feel better, My brother is sick, I hope he is OK. I often wonder how he even has time to worry about himself - my own head is so full of things I need to do and worry for other people that there really isn't time to worry about myself. But I can find him lost in thought and when I ask him what he's thinking about he brings up a tiny incident from a long time ago that he has dragged out to worry about (most recently that he didn't eat seafood at the Great Barrier Reef because our son had recently been diagnosed with an allergy to shelfish - 3 years ago!!) It's like he goes searching his brain for stuff to get anxious about! Does anyone have suggestions about how I can get him to stop worrying about himself and start thinking about the rest of us!

Overwhelmed

replies: 7

Hi, I suffer from depression and anxiety, as does my older sister and our father was diagnosed recently, so things have been incredibly hard for us. Especially since we had been caring for 3 family members up until they passed away in January 2011 and April and June of this year. I have been financially and emotionally supporting my older sister for years. She left her contracted job in early 2011 and decided to take a few months off, to deal with work issues and grieve the loss of our Grandma, who had passed away in January of that year and all the family drama that entailed. She remained unemployed until May of this year. Things haven't been easy for her, she is often ignored or treated like crap, even by our own parents. She has no friends and no self-esteem. She sees a councillor but I am her sounding board. I have really been struggling with my own issues, some of which she has tried to help me with. Seeing her struggle bogs me down and she basically refuses my help. She is essentially a hoarder, she lives in squalor; she can barely open her bedroom door, hasn't changed her bedsheets in more than 6 months and only 1/4 of her bed is clear of crap and there is a thick layer of dust on her bookshelves. Her room smells so bad it makes me nauseas. She refuses to accept it or clean it, which makes my heart break. She gets angry at the drop of a hat (which I understand because I am the same) but when she gets angry in the car, she becomes reckless. When I've mentioned to her that she is speeding (10km+ over the limit) she gets really angry and yells at me that she doesn't need a back seat driver, especially someone who can't drive. (our younger sister speeds as well and so I am constantly worried about her too) When we get into an argument and I walk away so we can both calm down or I ask her to leave me alone, she will follow me so we can continue fighting or stay so our fights get worse. She gets really angry when she's asked to do something and often berates me for what I don't do, even though she doesn't do it either. I am no angel, in fact, I'm far from it but I have tried to be a good sister and friend; especially since our parents accept that our Dad has depression and even wear beyond blue bracelets for him but don't believe we suffer from it; they think we need to grow up or just get things done. I've tried everything and I just have no idea what to do anymore; for her or for me.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Major adjustments and not coping replies: 15

Depressed boyfriend left me replies: 1

Partner with Depression replies: 1

Any advice? My husband has depression and anxiety. replies: 13

Partner depressed but can't see it replies: 4

Hi replies: 5

How do I help my husband and save my marriage replies: 8

My wife is in a dark place replies: 11

Musings on selfishness replies: 4

Overwhelmed replies: 7