Overwhelmed

[Ahjlees]

Hi,

I suffer from depression and anxiety, as does my older sister and our father was diagnosed recently, so things have been incredibly hard for us. Especially since we had been caring for 3 family members up until they passed away in January 2011 and April and June of this year.

I have been financially and emotionally supporting my older sister for years. She left her contracted job in early 2011 and decided to take a few months off, to deal with work issues and grieve the loss of our Grandma, who had passed away in January of that year and all the family drama that entailed. She remained unemployed until May of this year.

Things haven't been easy for her, she is often ignored or treated like crap, even by our own parents. She has no friends and no self-esteem. She sees a councillor but I am her sounding board.

I have really been struggling with my own issues, some of which she has tried to help me with. Seeing her struggle bogs me down and she basically refuses my help.

She is essentially a hoarder, she lives in squalor; she can barely open her bedroom door, hasn't changed her bedsheets in more than 6 months and only 1/4 of her bed is clear of crap and there is a thick layer of dust on her bookshelves. Her room smells so bad it makes me nauseas. She refuses to accept it or clean it, which makes my heart break.

She gets angry at the drop of a hat (which I understand because I am the same) but when she gets angry in the car, she becomes reckless. When I've mentioned to her that she is speeding (10km+ over the limit) she gets really angry and yells at me that she doesn't need a back seat driver, especially someone who can't drive. (our younger sister speeds as well and so I am constantly worried about her too)

When we get into an argument and I walk away so we can both calm down or I ask her to leave me alone, she will follow me so we can continue fighting or stay so our fights get worse.

She gets really angry when she's asked to do something and often berates me for what I don't do, even though she doesn't do it either.

I am no angel, in fact, I'm far from it but I have tried to be a good sister and friend; especially since our parents accept that our Dad has depression and even wear beyond blue bracelets for him but don't believe we suffer from it; they think we need to grow up or just get things done. I've tried everything and I just have no idea what to do anymore; for her or for me.

[geoff]

hello Ahjlees, can I just start this off being saying that people who collect hoards of rubbish as well as having a messy room do have OCD, just as she tells you off while she is driving could also fit into this package so it just sort of indicates that it's also added into her having OCD.
OCD is caused by anxiety which you have mentioned, so I wonder whether your father also has this illness.
I'd like to hear back from you before I continue. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Ahjlees,

It certainly sounds like there are a lot of issues happening in your house hold.

If you don't mind me asking, are you, your father and your sister receiving any kind of medical/professional assistance with your mental health issues apart from the counsellor your sister sees?

It may help to phone the Beyond Blue help line and ask if there are services in your area that may be able to help.

Sounds like your sister's room really needs a clean out. It is certainly not a healthy environment for her to live in.

Is it possible for you to attend one of the counselling sessions with your sister and approach this issue with your sister and the counsellor present?

If you wrote out how you are feeling and presented that to the family do you think they then might understand your depression and anxiety?

Are there members of the greater family who could help you all?

In all of this, you need to make time to look after yourself as well. Other wise you are going to burn out and become exhausted.

Unfortunately if people decide it is okay to speed when driving, they may not take any notice of anything you say. People can think they are invincible, like nothing will happen to them.

Sometimes it takes an accident or a speeding fine for people to change.

Hope some of my ramblings help!

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

[Ahjlees]

Hi Geoff,

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to reply.

I can definitely see my sister as having OCD but I don't think my father does, though I am not sure.

Ahjlees

[Ahjlees]

Hi Mrs Dools,

From the bottom of my heart, thank yoyo for taking the time to reply to my post.

My Dad also sees a councillor and is taking anti-depressants, other than that and my sisters councillor no.

Writing about it, won't help. I've tried. I have also tried explaining it to my Mum once but she didn't seem to understand.

Going to my sisters counselling session is a good idea, however I am currently struggling to even find the motivation to get out of bed. I haven't slept in about 2 days, I either want to cry, scream or both, I'm constantly angry and snapping at people and I feel like I could break.....again, any minute.

Family isn't really an option. We have had on going issues with my Mum's side of the family, my Dad's brother's family are perfect and we can't appear not to be and my Dad's sister's family are basically the only family we see and get along with. In addition it's been an incredibly hard time on our entire family as my Paternal Grandpa passed away in April and my Maternal Grandpa passed away in June.

I, unfortunately, came to the same conclusion about the speeding. It breaks my heart but they simply won't listen. My older sister refuses to acknowledge that she speeds, at all, and my younger sister knows she does and just seems to think she is invincible. It doesn't matter that they have both been in car accidents and near misses, as have our brother and parents or that they know that one of my school peers and the Mum of a great friend of mine, passed away in car accidents. It's why I can't bring myself to get my license.

Thank you again,

Ahjlees

[Doolhof]

Hi Ahjlees,

Thanks for replying. If you don't mind a few questions then I might get a better idea of what is happening for you there.

Are you presently seeing a Dr. or mental health professionals for your own health issues?

Do you work, you mentioned supporting your older sister financially, so I guess the money ahs to come from somewhere.

Do you have any hobbies or interests out side of the home? Are there things you have thought you would always like to try but have never had the energy to do so?

Do you have friends you can talk to about how you are feeling, or at least to go out with to escape the dynamics of your family?

You mentioned that your Dad's brother's family are perfect and your family is expected to be the same. Are you sure that family is perfect? How do you decide what "perfect" is? Is it reasonable for a totally different family to put that expectation onto someone else?

My husband and I were not able to have children. For decades family members on both sides of the family have told us they will not come to our home for Christmas as we do not have children. In my mind that does not sound reasonable at all. In all of their minds it was okay to say those things.

There was no way I could change the situation unless we adopted or fostered children which my husband did not want to do.

In your case, you can not change the mental health issues of yourself and your family members. It is unreasonable for other people to expect you or anyone else to live up top standards they have set for themselves.

How would your Father's brother's family react if they were to see your family "warts and all" as the expression goes? Do you think they would be supportive or do you think they would walk away?

Enough questions for now! Ha. Ha.

Try and find three things to be thankful for each day and explore options for activities that make you feel good about yourself and life in general.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Ahjlees]

Dear Mrs Dools,

Its no problem. No I am not seeing a Dr or a councillor as I can't afford it, I lost my job in May due to ill health.

There are so many things I want to do but don't have the confidence or motivation to do them.

I have a group of friends who I've known since high school but most of us have drifted apart. I feel I can only talk to one of them but life has sucked for her too so I try not to burden with my crap as well.

I know they aren't perfect. Its complicated but basically my parents don't really like to offer information about us as all four of us (my older sister, older brother, younger sister & myself) are perpetually single, 3 of us live at home and 1 lives at our grandparents house. My older sister was unemployed for the last 6 years and now I am, both my sister and I left UNI, my brother never attended and only my younger sister completed a degree.

I get the distinct impression they are embarrassed by us. Especially since my Dad's brothers kids are very well educated, the middle child (the eldest is a family secret......very long story) graduated high school with a HSC score (or whatever they are called now) of something like 98, is in a relationship and is living and studying in Canberra. The youngest is a skilled sportsman (Basketball, Tennis, Rowing etc) and academic and is currently enjoying a gap year in which he has holidayed in South Africa and Greece.

My Dad's sisters's kids are also accomplished. Miss 23 graduated with a HSC score of about 97, is studying medicine in Armidale and is in a relationship. Miss 19 graduated last year with excellent academic scores, is a skilled seamstress and artist, has a very active social life and holds a qualification in childcare but is currently an electricians apprentice. Miss 16 is athletically gifted, having competed in numerous cross country events; representing both her school and state. She is also a gifted film maker and does very well academically and is about to finish year 11.

It doesn't help that my parents best friends kid's are also high achievers; who live with their spouses, locally, interstate and overseas, have degree's or are studying, who work full time and have very active social lives. All were academically gifted in high school.

We see my Dad's brother and his family about once a year for a few hours. I honestly have no idea if they would stay or not but I don't feel I could ask for their help.

Ahj

[Doolhof]

Hi Ahj,

People don't need to have the highest scores, the best jobs, be athletic and have hundreds of friends to be a person who is regarded as being worthwhile.

It certainly helps yes, but it isn't mandatory, it is not the only way to be a person of worth and value.

I'd like to encourage you to look for a Dr. who bulk bills. Some community centres provide counselling for free. You could contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 and also look at the "Get Support" section on this site and work out how you can get the help you need.

Make a list of the things you would like to do. Choose one or two that you think you might be able to achieve. Write down what you need to do to make that possible. Write down what is stopping you. Then work out hoe you can change those thoughts back into how it might be possible.

I understand it is tough out there to find work. I don't recall if you have tried to find some volunteer work or not. That can be so beneficial.

Just getting out of the house each day is worthwhile.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you spend your days?

I'm sure there are lots of things you could do that don't cost much money and that would be enjoyable.

I do hope you find some answers. There must be a DR or support person out there who can help you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools