Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

replies: 22

I am heartbroken as I watch my son, hard-working, faithful, adores his 2 kids, trying in vain to support his wife whose depression and at times anxiety is destroying their family. She withholds any physical affection from him - no hug goodbye when he goes to work - no cheerful conversation or interest in how he maybe feeling etc. their house is devoid of love and he has given up trying - only to be rejected each time. This set in 5 years ago after the son's birth and was put down to post natal depression. She went on ADs but said they made her worse....she went off them eventually which was a terrible time and now hesitant to take anything. I have tried all I can think of - books, tapes, relaxation CDs, recommended BB and explained how it works, boosted her morale, been her friend, and I have given up! She complains that they need a bigger house, that she hates their home - but my son can't as they only have one income. He feels less of a man as he can't financially provide all she wishes for, big house, holidays, (the kids go to a private school which she insists on) when he explains he has trouble affording the fees, she accuses him of "threatening" and pressuring her to get a job. She planned to go back to work when the younger child was at school. It's now September and she has made no real effort at all - she is too depressed. the house is a terrible mess, she stays in her pyjamas and always "sick". It is awful for my son to come home to each day, the 8 year old girl told me her Mum said they were getting a divorce "they don't get along, they fight" She said when they fight in front of her she gets upset. My heart breaks to think of the sweet child carrying that around with her every day at school - that her parents will get a divorce and Daddy will leave! I am furious with my daughter in law for giving her children this burden. Where I tried to be compassionate, I now am getting impatient and feel like shaking her asking "What do you WANT?" WHAT will make you happy??? My son is trapped in a loveless marriage with a depressed wife he can no longer help. He can't leave to find his own peace of mind because of the kids whom he would never abandon. If he could no longer see them it would destroy him as well. It is affecting me badly as there seems nothing I can do. How do I get thru to my daughter in law that she is putting her family and children's future in jeopardy. How do I console and ease my son's pain? Please help.

Husbands mental health impact on kids

replies: 9

I've been reading a lot of the posts from partners of husbands who have depression and have found a lot of help in that I can relate so strongly with what is occurring it astounds me! My husband was diagnosed with PTSD (work related), severe depression and anxiety about 5 months ago. He has had problems for at least 2-3years but has taken this long for me to convince him to talk to someone. He is now seeing a GP and psychologist and is on medication which is a big step forward. I still feel he isn't getting adequate help and should also be seeing a psychologist which I am really pushing for. Whilst he is getting a lot of help it is a huge struggle everyday. He varies from depressed and want communicate to very angry. Whilst he's only been getting treatment for 5 months the kids and I have had to live with this much longer. My biggest concern is the impact on the kids. They are 10 & 12 and they have virtually no relationship with their father and I'm scared this is really going to affect them for the rest of their lives. He looses his temper often with them and yells until they are in tears. They won't approach him for help. In fact last time my son came to ask me for help I said Dad is outside go ask him to help, my sons response was Dad always gets angry if I ask him for help. That really was a wake up call to me. I exhaust myself caring for the kids and try to provide emotional support for them as well as my husband, working full time and doing most other requirements such as pay bills etc as hubby can't handle any pressure or responsibility. I am working hard to look after myself which is easier said than done and seems impossible but I am very aware. My biggest concern are the kids I'm really concerned and want to get them to see someone to find out what impact this is having on them. I have spoken to my son about talking to someone but he is a very shy introverted kid and he is refusing to even contemplate it! Does anyone have any advice to get a 12yo boy to agree to seeing someone? My 10yo I think will be easier being younger but I'm more concerned with my son at this time of his life. Thank you

Husband appears depressed, affecting me and our children

replies: 10

Hi, first time poster here. My husband of 8 yrs has seemed depressed for a while.....he doesn't sleep well, finds it hard to relax, drinks too much, has put on weight, and gets very stressed with me and the children. He's often really not very nice to us. Too touchy, short fuse. He says he's depressed when we talk about it, but yet won't do anything about it because "it won't help". I believe it's caused significant issues with our oldest son, who's nearly 6. Kids are now saying "I don't like Daddy" which I know breaks his heart, but he doesn't help the situation either by how he parents them. I chatted to my son's psychologist about this, and she said he sounds depressed, and we both just filled in questionnaires about mental health but yet to see her for results. A lot of the time he blames me for his depression/stress, because of lack of intimacy/connection (in my eyes caused by his mood, over many years). He seems to be a bit of a gaslighter as well, in that he sometimes tries to portray things differently to how they actually happened or tells me I did things that I didn't do. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions, but rather blames me for him behaving that way. Living with him can be very unpleasant at times, very stressful. I have become so used to it, that I think I accept his behaviours too much rather than saying 'hey that's not ok'. Any advice please? Thank you

Major adjustments and not coping

replies: 15

I posted a while back about my husband who has depression - he had a month as an inpatient then we had a months holiday with the kids which went pretty well and now we are all back at home. He is not working but fortunately has income protection so he has taken over house duties and the kids while I continue working my ordinary job and I have taken some casual work on top of that. I am tiring and losing hope - he is still depressed and angry and thinks he isnt on the right medication. I keep trying to say there is no magic pill, he has entrenched negative thinking and self talk and all this will take time. He does weekly groups and sees a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I guess I am going through a bit of a rough spot I feel like the life we once had has been broken, that my husband of many years has gone. I have tried to be supportive and loving over the last year but I feel like I dont know how much longer I can cope. He is so overly sensitive that I have to be really careful how I talk to him, suggestions are taken as criticisms, if i am tired he blames himself, if I am upset its all his fault, I cant really do anything without him interpreting it as relating to him. He doesnt work so he is alone with his thoughts all day while the boys are at school, I try to encourage him that this is a marathon, not a sprint, to do mindfulness and small things each day for his mental health but he just seems so stuck and I cant keep trying to prop him up. I guess I just wanted to get some of this out, its weighing heavily on me as I feel the kids are being impacted now, my oldest son has started negative self talk like his Dad and I thought keeping the family together was a good thing but now im not so sure. thanks for listening

Depressed boyfriend left me

replies: 1

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me yesterday. In the early stages of our relationship, i admitted to him that i had previously struggled with depression (my mum has cancer) to which he told me he had had recurring severe depression and insomnia in the past. For the the first 4 months of our relationship, he was very attentive, happy to see me and also loving and supportive. After having been in remission for a long time, my mum's health worsened and she had to be put back on chemo. I was pretty upset about this and often vented to him. Around this time i noticed he became very withdrawn and made less effort to see me. I thought this was him feeling i was a burden and not liking me anymore. I asked him around then if he wanted to break up with me and he said that he really didn't want that, yet he made no changes in his behaviour. I know last year when he was struggling he was on antidepressant medication which helped, though he admitted to me that recently he began using the medication again sporadically when he felt particularly down (in conjunction with heavy drinking). A few days before we broke up, he finally admitted that he was suffering depression and insomnia again, and that our relationship was wearing him down. Thinking it was my fault, i asked him what i could change to be more supportive and he said that we should give things another go because he didn't want to lose me because of his mental health. I gave it a few days and invited him to my house. He seemed great before wanting to go to bed early and not talking to me for an hour while he was on his facebook. We woke up late the next morning and he didn't want to cuddle me or any or the usual stuff, then told me he hadn't slept well. He was quiet all morning and then said that we needed to break up because he couldn't handle it anymore and he needed to be alone to get better. He was crying and saying he didn't want to do it but it's the only way he knows how to get better from experience. I asked him whether he would see a GP and try medication for his condition(which he says isn't caused by anything in particular/just his introverted personality) and he said he would, but he didn't think he could be with me for a long time and said i shouldn't wait around. He said i was the best thing to happen to him and he hated himself for doing this to us. I'm worried he won't seek help and will become suicidal, he thinks medication might make him feel numb. He keeps binge drinking. Please help.

Partner with Depression

replies: 1

Hello, I'm looking for some tips and advice on how to help my partner who has recently been diagnosed with Depression. He is only 23 years old but has encountered an unstable childhood causing him to feel worthless and down on himself. Since visiting the GP about 3 months ago he has been attending regular CBT sessions with a psychologist. At first he had not told me about seeing the psychologist (completely understandable) but once he did I offered to come and have since joined in on one of the sessions. I'm struggling because I don't think the CBT is enough to help him. It has improved his motivation for work but in his mind he still has the same thoughts of self loathing and worthlessness. As he is an only child he keeps to himself and feels like he is a 'burden' on anyone he shares this with. To help with this I purchased a journal for him to reflect in for the times when he doesn't want to talk. Please help!

Any advice? My husband has depression and anxiety.

replies: 13

Hi everyone this is my first time posting, I am hoping this may be a good place for advice and maybe a chance for me to vent as well My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teenager. He only takes half a tablet but this hasn't been reviewed for many years. I suggested it may be a good idea to check dosage but he gets defensive. I just wanted to help. I don't ask for much help because I know that he gets overwhelmed very easily but I have asked him to start spending more time with the kids to bond. I feel like he really distances himself from us sometimes and also has an alcohol problem, just wants to be on his phone or computer and drink to relax after work and always says how overwhelmed he feels. He recently found out that his liver isn't functioning properly so he started to cut back in the last few weeks. Last week he was fantastic! We were laughing, playful and I felt like things were finally getting better, then the weekend hit and this week has been a total 180! he is completely uninterested in any physical contact (including sex although this has been a problem for a while) and there is a total emotional disconnect. If I bring up how I am feeling about something he gets defensive. I try to give him space but after 8 years I kind of want some of my needs met too as selfish as that sounds. The kids and I are going away so he will have the whole week to himself next week which I Thought would be good for him, he said it sucks and he will miss us. I am so confused and feel totally rejected at the moment. I feel incredibly blessed with the life we have but he's always looking at the future and what we don't have yet and turns it negative. I can't talk to him about any problems anymore because I am walking on egg shells. If I mention anything about him drinking he will get angry and can say hurtful words. It's always turned back on me and I am blamed which always has me questioning what am I doing wrong? He has admitted to me that he only says them because he knows that's where it hurts the most. One minute he is the fun playful caring man I first met then the next I'm being completely ignored or blamed for something. I know he loves us, just want him to be happy. Sorry for for the large novel. I was just hoping to maybe hear from anyone in a similar boat with advice to help me help him. Or maybe somehow try to understand more about what he is feeling so I am able to support him without building any resentment. Thanks xxx

Partner depressed but can't see it

replies: 4

My partner of 1 year is in a bad way. I think he's depressed but he only goes so far to say he's "tired/fatigued/sleeps alot/cant take care of himself/miserable/cant see a way out of it/no energy". He is very successful in his career and makes alot of money. He stuffs himself with huge quantities of food and he admits this is a "food coma" so he doesnt get stressed about his problems. He has managed to keep his job and perform really well. He has gained so much weight (15-20kg in a year). He has gone off sex. He doesnt cry or anything but he can get anxious and admits to having anxiety. His sleep is on and off. He doesnt socialise. He comes home and flops on the couch n plays xbox. Hes 38. His father had severe depression at one stage and im not sure if he still does. What should i do? He is a tough, highly successful/intelligent man who seems resistant when i say "depression". He is on low dose antidepressant for a long time. Hasnt seen a psychologist for like 6 months. Please, please give me some advice.

Hi

replies: 5

Hello my name Chenelle I was wondering what I can do to help my dad that can help my mum?? My mum does have mental illness need help.

How do I help my husband and save my marriage

replies: 8

I have been married for 17 years and with my husband for 19 years. About 6 years ago my husband suffered depression but he got help and has been doing well. For the past 3 1/2 years he has been doing a very stressful job that has required him to be away from home during the week and return on weekends. But its a job he loves so I try and support him, this has been very hard and looking back my way of telling him I wanted home may not have been as clear as I thought, as he tells me he felt that I was not attentive enough when he was home. Unbeknown to me he has been struggling since November last year, although I only noticed changes in the past 6 weeks it has all come to ahead the past 2 weeks. His depression has relapsed and this time he said it feels very different. He doesn’t want to kiss me and tells me when he holds me it doesn’t feel the same. His answer to any of my questions is that he just doesn’t know. He has already sort medical help but states that he is not at a point of wanting to go to Counselling and that he just needs time. Over the past 6 months we have made some significant decisions relating to home and finances and I didn’t see any signs that he did not want these. Even to the day of him finally opening up we went ahead with a kitchen renovation and he didn’t say we shouldn’t be doing this. Part of me sees that he doesn’t want the marriage over but he tells me doesn’t know if he loves me. I am just so devastated I will do anything as I love him beyond words. He has gone away again – I told him this is his home and I want him here in any capacity. We have a 15 year old son who we have spoken to and been very open with and my husband told him to look after mum she will need you and this is not her fault. But its not just his fault I can see how I have contributed to his stress but for those things I simply haven’t had the control over these were normal life responsibilities and I felt like I was a single mum and just wanted him to help share. I am suffering this anxiety that I just can’t describe and am so scared that he will never come back to me. How do I get through this time ahead and how much space should I give him – I feel we need to still talk and him come home otherwise how do I fight to save our marriage and remind him of what we have? What do I do? How do I help him I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless. replies: 22

Husbands mental health impact on kids replies: 9

Husband appears depressed, affecting me and our children replies: 10

Major adjustments and not coping replies: 15

Depressed boyfriend left me replies: 1

Partner with Depression replies: 1

Any advice? My husband has depression and anxiety. replies: 13

Partner depressed but can't see it replies: 4

Hi replies: 5

How do I help my husband and save my marriage replies: 8