How do I help my husband and save my marriage

[Devastated_Wife]

I have been married for 17 years and with my husband for 19 years.
About 6 years ago my husband suffered depression but he got help and has been doing well. For the past 3 1/2 years he has been doing a very stressful job that has required him to be away from home during the week and return on weekends. But its a job he loves so I try and support him, this has been very hard and looking back my way of telling him I wanted home may not have been as clear as I thought, as he tells me he felt that I was not attentive enough when he was home.

Unbeknown to me he has been struggling since November last year, although I only noticed changes in the past 6 weeks it has all come to ahead the past 2 weeks. His depression has relapsed and this time he said it feels very different. He doesn’t want to kiss me and tells me when he holds me it doesn’t feel the same. His answer to any of my questions is that he just doesn’t know. He has already sort medical help but states that he is not at a point of wanting to go to Counselling and that he just needs time. Over the past 6 months we have made some significant decisions relating to home and finances and I didn’t see any signs that he did not want these. Even to the day of him finally opening up we went ahead with a kitchen renovation and he didn’t say we shouldn’t be doing this.
Part of me sees that he doesn’t want the marriage over but he tells me doesn’t know if he loves me. I am just so devastated I will do anything as I love him beyond words. He has gone away again – I told him this is his home and I want him here in any capacity.
We have a 15 year old son who we have spoken to and been very open with and my husband told him to look after mum she will need you and this is not her fault. But its not just his fault I can see how I have contributed to his stress but for those things I simply haven’t had the control over these were normal life responsibilities and I felt like I was a single mum and just wanted him to help share.
I am suffering this anxiety that I just can’t describe and am so scared that he will never come back to me.
How do I get through this time ahead and how much space should I give him – I feel we need to still talk and him come home otherwise how do I fight to save our marriage and remind him of what we have? What do I do? How do I help him I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

[white knight]

Hi DW, welcome

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Its hard on you at this time.

I know you want to find a way of reminding him of what you both have but in reality he knows all of that.

Firstly, its your time for you now, shift your priority from him to you. While he is going through this period, focus on your own health. Visit your GP often and a counsellor...a counsellor? Yes. Offer him to accompany you to one, if he declines then GI to one yourself. Why? Because you want to enhance any way to better cope with his current issues. Also if he doesn't want to attend and you do, if and when he asks what happened at the counsellor don't tell him. Tell him he is welcome to join you.

your husband has planted the seed of doubt. He also has gone off medication that is often lifelong. He also said he's not sure if he loved you yet won't seek guidance. Its worrying.

That's all I can come up with. You can't force him to remember why he loved you. Give him space no pressure but carve your own path to give you the best chance of getting it back on track. And look after your own mental health.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear DW, I agree with Tony while he is away you need to look after yourself, preferably by seeing a psychologist, because it's not wise to sit at home and worry.
Most guys may always refuse any medical help to start off with, because it could show that they are weak, but far from this, I was in denial for a long time and how wrong I was because this only delays the beginning of any help, and for him to say whether or not he loves you is a statement he doesn't know, not because he thinks that he doesn't, but because it's very hard for a depressed person to even consider the thought, as life now is a blur.
At the moment try not to ask him question after question, because if you do then he will only close up even further, but when he does start talking let him have the floor so he can say what he wants to say.
If he continues on like this then his work will become a terrible chore and may need time off, that I can't say will happen but it's possible, and if he wants time alone, then the chances of him returning are good as most people do, but when the relationship seems to be horrible where you are constantly arguing and fighting then it's a different matter, but I can't see that here with your marriage.
Just try and remind him that the help he got before did wonders for him, however he may push that aside and say 'it won't now', that's his illness talking, but remember that you also have to look after yourself, that's very important. Geoff. x

[Devastated_Wife]

Thank you to both of your comments I so truly appreciate it. I have seen a Dr this week as I am not sleeping I am also going to see a counsellor tomorrow - it is through a service that my employer provides. Dr said I needed some strategies to prepare myself if he comes home on the weekend. Geoff in my marriage we very rarely said a harsh word to each other and so the struggle of him wanting to walk away I know is his mind because we don't have any major issues. That is what terrifies me - I know I have to give him space but just hearing his voice makes me feel grounded. The work is the biggest thing and he won't take time out as he feels the weight of those responsibilities.

For the first time in my life I am going to have to plan time away with my son and although the thought is nice I feel at a total loss. He has commenced his medication but I feel that if things are so different that he is going to need to talk to somebody to help him through. He didn't go see his normal Dr here at home as he was away and so the Dr he has seen I don't know how truthful my husband was when asking for medication about past history.

I have said to him that it doesn't matter how long things take that I want to be by his side and that I want him home in any capacity he is our family. He told me that he wasn't worth fighting for!!

I will try and start just focusing on me and my son but that feels so guilty I am always one to look after everybody.

[white knight]

Hi again DW.

"I'm not worth fighting for" = very low self esteem that is a worrying signal.

Using the reason of "a second opinion" I'd ask him to accompany him to your local doctor on the Saturday morning. Just a thought.

Sometimes we feel guilt which is a devastating emotion, but if we think logically we usually accept we can only do so much. Many members here have problems with being able to lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

In the end, down the track, your health, the person that is the pivot of your family won't be able to function. For your children's sake and your own, keep trying but be realistic in your expectations of a man that has...closed the door.

Geoff's suggestion to remind him of his previous success with medication and assistance is a good idea.

Thankyou for replying back to us.

Tony WK

[Winterfell]

You have some good advice.

One thing I would do is not panic and try to seek assurance from him. My husband experienced a very severe depression this year and went into a mode where he was not feeling much of anything. He was very low with self worth,irritable and all sorts of things. He needed a real lot of space, he needed no demands, he needed lots of focus on just getting through each day and not planning future etc. we see a counsellor regularly, his depression has had a big impact on us and I haven't always been helpful in my style - I am a health professional so was always wanting to fix things which is not helpful to the person that needs gentle care through their depression. I have worked hard on being available but not intrusive, showing love through cards that he can read and let sink in rather than lots of words. Being on here and looking after myself, spending time with friends and extended family have all helped.

I know its so hard but if he is unwell he will need time and space and love, try your best to just take each day as it comes and realise he might not be able to think clearly or show love himself right now. My husband had given up on himself and our relationship - he thought he was a burden that I didn't deserve and that I would be better off without him. He is alot better now and during our counselling we can talk through things like that that I didnt understand at the time.

Please check in as you need, very helpful and supportive bunch here. A few times I just needed to write stuff out and get some support and it did me wonders 🙂

[Devastated_Wife]

Thank you for your words - I guess the thing that sticks out for me at the moment is he doesn't want to talk - not to anybody. I went to see a counsellor myself yesterday.

He came home last night at 9:40pm from being away and I hadn't spoken to him since Wednesday, he rang yesterday afternoon and admitted that he had been avoiding me and didn't know whether he would come home. I told him whatever he wanted to do as I understood he needed time and space. I was shocked when he did arrive home although he was very withdrawn and went to sleep in the spare room. He just keeps telling me he is fine and not my worry.

I have been feeling very anxious all morning not knowing what today will bring. We have an older daughter who has been devastated by all of this and she has come home for the weekend so to be supportive to her brother and me. I am scared how to act, I know that he may say things that he doesn't mean, I just don't feel as strong as everybody tells me I am.​

I am worried that if he doesn't come home even on his terms he will lose contact with us and then any chance we have of keeping our family together is gone. I told him that I was glad that he was home and last week he told me this was his home and now he is saying "how can it be my home"

Feeling so vulnerable and confused.

[Winterfell]

I am so glad you got to talk to someone- it can really be so helpful when dealing with situations like this that feel so out of our control and upsetting.

I know the feeling in walking on eggshells- it's so draining. If you can try to do something nice for yourself, have a nice bath or a walk or buy yourself some flowers. I hope this weekend isn't too stressful for you.

Is your husband getting help with reviewing his medications? He sounds like he is sliding down into a bad place. He will need attention to his mental health care to stop the spiral.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best

[Devastated_Wife]

I found out more over this weekend and that is apparently my husband has also been diagnosed with PTSD - he has been in a job for over 26 years that would have been the contributing factor for this. He still won't share who he is seeing regarding his health. I guess one thing I struggle with is the decisions that we have made over recent times and weeks that he seems totally committed to but don't make sense when he states that he has been in this state of denial for months.

Today we had to clean out his shed as we are building a new one and if it wasn't for friends and family helping me we wouldn't have gotten this done because he left and went back to his work in the city. He didn't care for any of his things that were once of importance. He doesn't care that he is leaving me to all the logistics of sorting this construction that was once his big focus.​

He still cannot comprehend that I am willing to spend my time wanting to be by his side knowing that he doesn't know how he feels about me - but I am his wife for good and bad and what would I be if I just walked away. Its to early I don't want any major decisions made without time. He still only packed enough clothes to get him through the week so I can only pray that deep down he still wants to be here. And until all this pressure at work which has a deadline has passed how can he even begin to clear his head.

So confused