My wife is in a dark place

[Fletch_junior]

Hi my wife was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 12months ago. I've had her seen a therapist and she is on medication. I thought everything was going along swimmingly till she hit me with a bombshell that she has had enough and wants out of the marriage. We have been married nearly 20years and have 2 beautiful children we have been together for nearly 25years. Now I know there is no one else involved I have never had a affair and never laid a hand on her and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either. Our sex life has dried up but I keep telling her that I don't care I just want to lay there in each other's arms. i won't leave my wife not with the state she is in but I would never leave her anyway. I know she is in a dark place but every time I try to talk she doesn't want to talk. Please help with some advice

[blondguy]

Hi Fletch

It would have come out of nowhere that your wife wanted out. That would have hurt. After 20 years of marriage and two children....

Can I ask you how your wife's therapy has been going?....and how often she has been?. I have had depression since 1996 and take meds like your wife. Your wife is only in the early stages of depression after only recently been diagnosed.

I am puzzled where you wife summoned the energy to make this decision. Depression and anxiety can make decision making extremely difficult as her mind would be 'tired' through the illness itself.

I know that relationships can be hard work with depression from experience. I was seeing my therapist monthly and he always nagged me not to make any 'major life changing decisions' .

The meds always seem to knock out the sex life as a side effect of managing the super highs and super lows of depression. You are a very understanding and considerate person Fletch.

Just my humble advice....I would be visiting that therapist with your wife...if she is okay with the idea of course. I would do everything in my power to keep my family together. Even with an another counselor you may get a better idea of why your wife has made this decision.

Did your wife give you a reason? (sorry about all the questions...just trying to help)

My kindest thoughts for you and your family at this time

Paul

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Fletch Junior,

What a shock and a terrible situation after all you have been through together . It must be really tough for you and really confusing . I guess the real dilemma lies in is 'she leaving me because she is still unwell and not thinking clearly' and somehow thinking that your relationship is a problem when it actually isn’t really OR is she leaving because she has had a reckoning of some sort and after a year of therapy and medication is now strong enough to tell you the truth that she needs to leave you.

I feel her decision to “not talk“ to you is a little unfair and clearly distressing as you don’t understand what is happening. However , it is important that if she talks that you listen and I mean listen as in not tell her that what she is saying doesn’t make sense or is crazy etc … Just really try to understand her .

She might not want to talk to you because she is worried that you won’t be able to hear her side. Maybe suggest to her that you genuinely want to understand what is happening and ask her to choose which forum she would like to explain it to you i.e. just the 2 of you, with her therapist, or with a mediator or some thing else.. but take the option of not talking off off the table as that seems an unfair way to manage a 25 year relationship .

Also, the two of you have to co parent your children, so you need to be in a good place and whether you stay together or separate, for your children sake, you need to at least understand and accept each other enough to be civil to one another.

[Fletch_junior]

Thanks for the advice. We have made a appointment to see a marriage Councellor after a discussion with my wife. I don't know what I said when she dropped the bombshell on me I could've said something nasty but not sure my mind went numb. I know I did tell her that I needed to go for a drive to think about things, but that wasn't helpful cause negative thoughts went through my head. We have sat the kids down and explained what is going on they are 17 & 15 so they didn't need to be rocket scientists to know something was up. I will keep you informed with how we go at Councelling thanks again for the advice

[blondguy]

Hi Fletch

Great work getting that appointment made for counseling. I hope that you can learn why you wife has decided to do what she has. Going for a drive was probably a smart idea at the time Fletch as trying to respond to the bombshell would have been a waste of time and effort.

I really hope you have some joy Fletch

My Best

Paul

[Fairywings]

Hi fletch nice to meet you and welcome. That bombshell ur wife dropped on u i need to let you know that is the depression speaking it's not her. I am so happy to know that ur r so supportive of this bc as a carer its so hard to see someone you love diminish bc of these monsters we call depression & anxiety. In her own way she is crying out for help i just need you not to take this personally and just help her the best way you know how because she isn't able to care for herself in this state. As much as she pushes u away and doesn't want to talk she is really crying out for help but won't say it. I can empathise with ur wife's behaviour bc i would act like this with my hubby as well and i am a sufferer of depression, borderline personality disorder and bipolar / mood disorder. I am and have been medicated for quite some time which has helped stabilise me and the erratic nature of these monsters. I hope i have offered you some comfort in my response but i know you will not give up on her and she is blessed to have this amount of support. I'm very happy you have managed to tee up a counselling apt let us know how you do go take care for now, Venessa xx

[Fletch_junior]

Thanks Councelling was hard and she is willing to do 1 on 1 time with the Councellor as well as well as couple therapy. Just sitting there listening to her speak and open up was heartbreaking. People on the outside thought we had a wonderful marriage, I thought I had a wonderful marriage, we never argued if she wanted to go out with her friends wasn't a problem with me and I thought vice versa. But she felt alone and I didn't realise that. I changed jobs after we were married I worked long hours 6 days a week but I know she worked as well looking after our 2 kids. I only did it to get in front of the mortgage now I don't work as many hours and I'm home by 4pm everyday so I help out more as my wife doesn't get home until 5pm. But all those years of feeling alone has taken there till on her. I'm just hoping that this is a fork in the road and we will become connected again. I'm working on it to become a better husband, father and just a better person

[Fairywings]

Of course it is very heartbreaking to see the woman u love struggling emotionally u don't need to become ur r already doing an amazing job by working less hrs and being there more for ur family. I certainly understand why the motive behind wanting to get ahead of the mortgage... yes feelings of loneliness can definitely take their toll. Time will allow u to feel better about urself and yes i do believe with the right help love and support u guys will be reconnected and continue the life u guys have made for one another and ur two beautiful kids xx thanks for coming back to me Venessa

[Fletch_junior]

Celebrating 20years of marriage today. I went all out last night cause we a university appointment with my daughter today. So I cooked her favourite meal gave her a gift which was a night away down in Mornington at the hot springs have already organised kids for the weekend so she doesn't have to do anything I'm not after anything and I've said to her I just want a night away no kids just relax to unwind and just to have a great chat about things all I said to her I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up in your arms but it just seems like she has already checked out of the marriage. She says at Councelling last week that she is going to make a go of this I really want it to work but as soon as we get home it's back into her same routine. I have started a new job this week where I start early and finish early so home around lunchtime, she has just got a promotion at work but instead of being 5 mins from home she is 30-45mins from home depending on traffic. I've tried to explain and support her that it doesn't matter about the house I'll take care of it I'm home now so kids will be run around to there sports dinner will be cooked b4 she gets home washing housework will be all done. I actually like doing housework when I start I can't finish until everything spotless. I just don't know what else to do I'm getting my self depressed thinking she has already checked out. How can I make her see that

[Fairywings]

Wow what a wonderful milestone 😍 congrats 🎉 what you have organized sounds amazing ur wife is very lucky to have you xx please don't get depressed i know its hard bc u feel like all ur doing is giving ur all and seeing no effort from ur wife. Her illness will do this to she won't c that she has a problem i think this weekend away will be a great opportunity for you to approach ur wife and let her know that her sense of absence in the marriage is beginning to worry u and u r concerned for her and given the kids won't be around will be a good time to talk things thru as she is clearly struggling to cope. Maybe discussing that if she leaves this for too long herself untreated she will only begin to spiral and it will become harder to bring her back down. On the other hand u can only do so much she has to want to help and unfortunately with our loved ones who suffer from a mental illness they need to hit and reach the last straw to even realize that they need help. This is a devastating point to reach for both u and ur wife and i think if she isn't acknowledging that she has a problem see if u organize gp or therapist to come and see her at home but she is definitely in need of some intervention xx please keep posting and let us know how u guys r getting along xx Venessa