Musings on selfishness

[Mclamber]

I often think of my partner, who has anxiety & depression, as selfish. I've seen that word used a lot on this forum too.

I get this impression because he will only do things if he feels in the mood for it, meaning he can be really unreliable - he often will stop cooking right in the middle of dinner because he needs to get away (guess who has to finish it off); say that he will help me with something, but when the time comes cannot; & appears incredibly rude socially as he refuses to reply to invitations until the last minute, does not turn up when he says he will, or will turn up without letting anyone know (guess who has to try to smooth it over).

In addition, if someone in the family is ill, his first comment is always, "do you think I might get it?" If someone is upset, he always assumes it is about him. Recently I was very stressed & upset about work and tried to turn to him for support. His reaction was: You are upset with me. What have I done? Stop getting angry with me. I eventually blurted out "Not everything is about you!" & then had to spend the next two days trying to make him feel better.

I've been thinking recently that it isn't really selfishness, it is just that he is so worried about himself that every situation is framed around himself. Perhaps self-focused or egocentric rather than selfish. I know he does worry about me & the kids - but only in terms of himself: I've made her upset & it will ruin our relationship, I've gotten angry at the kids & they won't like me anymore, I offended that person & they won't talk to me now. I have never seen him worry about other people in the same way I do - ie, I hope my son is happy, How can I help lighten that person's workload/make them feel better, My brother is sick, I hope he is OK.

I often wonder how he even has time to worry about himself - my own head is so full of things I need to do and worry for other people that there really isn't time to worry about myself. But I can find him lost in thought and when I ask him what he's thinking about he brings up a tiny incident from a long time ago that he has dragged out to worry about (most recently that he didn't eat seafood at the Great Barrier Reef because our son had recently been diagnosed with an allergy to shelfish - 3 years ago!!) It's like he goes searching his brain for stuff to get anxious about!

Does anyone have suggestions about how I can get him to stop worrying about himself and start thinking about the rest of us!

[Cornstarch]

Musings hey. Mmmmmusings.

When-ever someone posts on here the reader has absolutely no choice in that what they read passes through their own internal filter of personal & life experience. I happen to be human and have one too. Crunchy corn. But human nevertheless.

Just because your partner has depression and anxiety doesn't mean that all behaviour and ways of relating & treating others now gets to bypass scrutiny. Sorry if that sounds harsh but lets just say I was forced to learn the hard way. If all of my tears were worth anything I could at least try and help another person because otherwise it was all just more grey hair for me and no gain for the human race.

That said, he clearly has social anxiety. How could you be that inward looking and not. Deeply deeply concerned what people think of him.

I'm not going to throw labels around and I can't give him advice, change him or make him seek help. So instead can I give you advice Miss Mc Lamb-skin or a least put out some general comments?

I'm worried about you.

And here's why. I'm a straight shooter. I'll be blunt. To get my point across I will write it in a way that I would bitch to a mate at the pub after a few drinks. If it was you and I out having a drink and a chin wag, as your pal, I would say this general comment, not to be nasty, but because I want to stick up for you, it is:

"Babe, they don't want lovers, they want life-boats."

And that is the challenge for you.

And that is the challenge for your partner.

He has to ensure that you are made to feel like a lover, and not just a life-boat. Because if he doesn't this cannot be sustained because your needs are just as important and we haven't even mentioned the kids yet!

A partnership is two people and unfortunately he has to work on his sense of self if he wants you to feel cherished and appreciated.

I hope you feel cherished and appreciated like you deserve.

[Guest_322]

Hi Mclamber,

I'm sorry to hear you going through all this. You understandably feel very frustrated and unsupported by your partner.

I think Cornstarch raised some really valid points that are worth thinking about. Hope that's okay for me to say.

But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm 20 years old, don't have children or a partner like yours. So you might want to take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

The reason that I wanted to comment is because your partner reminds me of my dad. My dad also has a whole range of mental health problems, and is usually very self focused too. Like your partner, he perceives almost everything in terms of how it affects him. It was and is mostly all about him.

And I think with people like your partner and my dad, no one person can really carry their water for them (if that makes any sense- I hope you don't mind me saying that). They are trapped in their own minds and can't see beyond their own problems. I think your partner need professional help, and as Cornstarch advised, you need to be upfront about your needs too in this relationship.

I'm not sure if my post was helpful or not. But if nothing else, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. In your case, it's your partner. In my case, it's a parent.

Hopefully others will jump on board and post more helpful replies than me.

All the best,

Dottie

[Mclamber]

Thanks Dottie and Cornstarch,

Dottie, thanks for letting me know about your dad. It does help to know other people are going through similar things.

I have tried to be upfront about my feelings, but almost as soon as the first word is out of my mouth I can see him check out. He doesn't want to hear it. And it takes him a few days to recover.

I totally agree about not having a get out of gaol free card Cornstarch, and yes, I take your point about life rafts - I do feel like one sometimes, but when things are going well, I also feel very loved and cherished when things. Although, as I write this, perhaps that should be refined to include needed & wanted along with loved. But I have nothing against being needed, I can't imagine need not being a part of love. I need him too. It's just that sometimes the need is so heavy that I can feel the raft tipping. So do I throw him overboard? I'm not going to do that. Even relationships without mental illness are ups and downs. Just because things are hard now doesn't mean they will always be hard - they were good in the past and I hope they will be in the future.

I like the idea of focusing on being lovers though. When he is happy he holds my hand as we walk down the street and hugs me very tightly and I can just see the good things in our relationship pulling him up out of his dark thoughts. When we haven't had sex for a while he goes back down again.

I had forgotten about that - thanks for reminding me. I will give that a go tonight 😉

[Cornstarch]

That's fantastic that you feel loved and cherished, what a relief. And I hope respected too.

I suppose when mates and family get defensive and protective in situations such as these it's because they wonder, "if the shoe was on the other foot, would he stick around too?" or "if a life-boat that was just as comfortable as this one came along would he leap-frog over and set sail".

Exactly right all relationships have their ups and downs regardless of mental illness. And it's not his fault. They are just lousy things that we need a cure for ASAP.

You sound like a very loyal person and when you commit to someone or something, you took it very seriously, and you are someone that has been inspired in the past by life, people or nature.

I bet my lifes savings that your line of work involves some sort of passion. That walking away from a committed relationship would feel to you like you were destroying an art work or the Great Barrier Reef.

Have fun.