Dating Jekyll and Hyde... when to give up?

[RubyA]

My boyfriend and i have been together for a few years, it has been rough at times as we have been through a lot, but we are trying to make it work... so he says. My boyfriend wants a different outcome yet does nothing different. From the moment we were "trying" he has said we won't work because i don't like him, he is not the kind of man i want. He has a conversation with himself (pretty much). I attempt to explain that is not how i feel but he has in his head how i feel and nothing i say or do changes it. He is incredibly negative. I am confused how you can be "trying" for something when you already have a mad up mindset. He has regular outbursts - gets very agreesive, calls, texts, insults me, threatens suicide. I walk on egg shells not knowing what i say is going to set him off, it is always my fault. He has severe depression and anxiety. He takes depression medication but that is it. He says nothing helps, he has tried everything, and this is just how it is for him. I have no problems with his depression but i do have a problwm with him not seeking help for it. Not only is it impacting his everyday life, it is impacting my own. I've never had depression before but was currently diagnosed with PND recently following the birth of our 12 month old daughter. I have tried talking to him about it. I am more than ok with some negative criticism in order to grow and help the situation, to learn to communicate better with one another but with him nothing changes. I am difficult. He is miserable, and of course it is my fault. How much do i keep trying? Will it get better or am i fighting a lossing battle and should walk away and start fresh for my own happiness and my little girls.

[Cornstarch]

That sounds extremely draining and exhausting.

It's easy to sit in a chair and say "try this, do this, then that" when the practical reality is that the person you are caring for has to want to. Until they want to, it's just swings and roundabouts. Depression and anxiety is now the umbrella term for all psychological distress which means that there is often a blanket treatment regime. If your description is accurate based on what you have said, personally I would get a second opinion on the "depression" and "anxiety". He may be missing out on a better targeted treatment because he has been incorrectly diagnosed.

Again, this entails him being open to that, and with the defensiveness how do you even get someone out the front door?

To me I am worried about your mental/physical health and the children's as well. You all have a nervous system and it sounds like you are expending copious amounts of energy "appeasing" your partner. What is that doing to your health?

I'm guessing from what you have written no doubt you have a list in your head of "all the people I am not allowed to contact" because of the consequences I will face when I get home, and jealousy would be a consistent theme.

Let's face it the ups and downs of roller coasters rides can be draining and exhausting.

But roller coasters are also thrilling. I have seen people get addicted to the "thrills", and the role of playing "saviour and hero" - and mistaken it for love.

Good luck.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi RubyA

Your boyfriend sounds like he is stuck in a mindset not only of negative thoughts but of low self esteem which may very well have its roots deep back in his childhood. My hunch is that if he does not seek to address why his mind goes to thoughts like that you “don’t like him” and he is “not the kind of man“ you want , he is unlikely to get relief from his own difficult and sad mindset. All the pills in the world won’t help unless he also takes that other brave steps to treat the very tough issues of depression and low self esteem - namely psychotherapy and lifestyle change ( exercise , diet , sleep , and mindfulness ) .

What you need to understand is that even with all your beautiful love and kindness, if he does not want to change or address these issues , he won’t . People only change if THEY see the need to or have the desire to, and are prepared put in the work.

You have the right to have boundaries. Your needs for emotional security and safety are valid and I don’t feel that you should commit yourself to a long term of aggression, insults and threats of suicide. Look at Brene Browns excellent Youtube clip on this for clarification of what I mean about boundaries:

You may have to really think about what you give up in your self if you decide to support someone who is unwilling or unable to change .

Whatever you decide to do, the goal should be that BOTH of you need to be your best selves in order to raise your daughter . For some couples that is better done apart than together .