New relationship with someone with depression

Lorna5 · ‎16-09-2016

Hi, I'm looking for advice on what to do in my current relationship. I'm in a new relationship with someone I adore, after two months or so of dating he started to withdraw, stopped initiating phone conversations and dates and lost the desire to be intimate. Because of my own insecurities I thought this was because of me, however he's recently told me he's suffered from depression the last few years. I'm finding it really hard at the moment dealing with the thoughts of is his behavior because of his depression or because our relationship isn't as great as I thought. I don't know how to express this to him without being insensitive, as I'm well aware that if it is the depression he can't control it. When he's having a bad day, I don't know whether to let him be or try to get him to talk about it or see him even if he doesn't want me to? I care about him so much. I'm also worried that because he says he doesn't want to be a burden on me, if I show him I'm struggling he'll withdraw further from me.

White_Rose · ‎16-09-2016

Dear Lorna

Hello and welcome. You have found the classic depressive way of coping. Your BF is probably ashamed of being depressed, although this should not be the case. Public opinion has a lot to do with this. Depressed people are often nervous about 'being a burden' depending on someone other than themselves, being caught up in their depression and not being able to see the sun shining. It really is a horrible place to be.

May I suggest you explore this web site and read up about depression. BB has lots of very good information which can help you understand your BF. Look under all the blue tabs at the top of the page, especially the one about supporting someone. You can get these publications sent to you free of charge or download them to your computer.

Also read the stories of others coping with depression. There are some very useful tips in these posts, the accumulated wisdom of many people.

Does your BF receive any help with his depression? Regular meetings with GP and/or counsellor, taking medication, being part of a self-help group etc? Any or all of these activities must be part of your BF routine as well as eating properly and getting regular exercise. It really is amazing how positively these things impact on depression.

It's not entirely true that someone can't help being the way they are. Every individual must take responsibility for looking after themselves. Family and friends can offer heaps of support, but unless the person with depression actively works on the problems none of the support will be useful. There is a danger that your BF will eventually expect to be cared for and make no contribution to his well-being unless he takes steps to manage his life and routine.

My suggestion about talking with your BF is to wait until you have the material from BB and had time to read it. You can always phone the BB hotline on 1300 22 4636 which is available 24/7, or talk via the chat line from 3:00 pm- midnight every day if you have any queries. When you feel comfortable about your knowledge ask your BF to sit down and talk to you. Get him to explain how he feels and what helps him when he is down. It's different for everyone. Some people like company without talking, others like to talk and some folk want to be on their own. Don't let him get away not wanting to be a burden. Tell him in a matter of fact way that you want to help him but need him to tell you the best way.

Write in again and ask questions. We will be here for you.

Mary

Lorna5 · ‎16-09-2016

Thanks Mary for that advice! He's called helplines before but is yet to visit a GP, so I'm hoping that is something he will consider. Thankfully he does exercise very regularly which he really enjoys, if he gave that up I would start to really worry.

White_Rose · ‎17-09-2016

Hello Lorna

What I meant about phoning the BB helpline is that you can contact BB and talk about the difficulties of being with your BF. These folk are way more qualified than me.

One partner struggling to understand help the other is quite common. What do you think about telling him how much you worry? "Oh no", I hear you cry. Well that's OK but think about what is happening. You are doing your best to help your BF but really you are stumbling about in the dark. You want to stay with your BF no matter what because you care for him. He is not being helpful to himself or you by refusing to get help and rely on you to prop him up. It just will not work for long.

OK you don't need to go in all guns blazing. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. You want to help but don't know what to do. You cannot cure him. Your BF is the only person who can get him back on his feet no matter how much you love him. Offer to go to the GP with him, ask him to write down how he feels over a couple of days and take this to his GP.

Being depressed and simply trying to carry on as normal will not work. There are many people writing on BB who can tell you that. The problem just gets bigger. I have suggested you read the posts in depression but I also suggest you read the posts under Supporting Family and Friends with a Mental Health condition. You will find lots of real life experience here and tips on how to manage.

Also look on Treatments, Health Professional and Therapies. Many of these posts will be similar to yours. There are many people supporting spouses, children, friends, neighbours and they all have their story to tell. I think everyone of these people will encourage you to talk openly with your BF about his depression and how this is affecting you.

I gather you believe your BF will walk away if he thinks he is asking too much from you. Well that could be the case and you will not have your BF. He may also want to make life easier for you and start getting some help. One thing is certain, you will find treading on eggshells around him will be too hard after a while and ultimately could affect your own mental health.

Choose your moment and sit him down for chat. Don't let him get away with blaming you as in, "If you feel you can't manage I will go away", because this is emotional blackmail. These sorts of comments are just passing the buck. He needs help and you can get him to ask.

I hope I have not terrified you with my comments. He needs to take action.

Mary