Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Musings on selfishness

replies: 4

I often think of my partner, who has anxiety & depression, as selfish. I've seen that word used a lot on this forum too. I get this impression because he will only do things if he feels in the mood for it, meaning he can be really unreliable - he often will stop cooking right in the middle of dinner because he needs to get away (guess who has to finish it off); say that he will help me with something, but when the time comes cannot; & appears incredibly rude socially as he refuses to reply to invitations until the last minute, does not turn up when he says he will, or will turn up without letting anyone know (guess who has to try to smooth it over). In addition, if someone in the family is ill, his first comment is always, "do you think I might get it?" If someone is upset, he always assumes it is about him. Recently I was very stressed & upset about work and tried to turn to him for support. His reaction was: You are upset with me. What have I done? Stop getting angry with me. I eventually blurted out "Not everything is about you!" & then had to spend the next two days trying to make him feel better. I've been thinking recently that it isn't really selfishness, it is just that he is so worried about himself that every situation is framed around himself. Perhaps self-focused or egocentric rather than selfish. I know he does worry about me & the kids - but only in terms of himself: I've made her upset & it will ruin our relationship, I've gotten angry at the kids & they won't like me anymore, I offended that person & they won't talk to me now. I have never seen him worry about other people in the same way I do - ie, I hope my son is happy, How can I help lighten that person's workload/make them feel better, My brother is sick, I hope he is OK. I often wonder how he even has time to worry about himself - my own head is so full of things I need to do and worry for other people that there really isn't time to worry about myself. But I can find him lost in thought and when I ask him what he's thinking about he brings up a tiny incident from a long time ago that he has dragged out to worry about (most recently that he didn't eat seafood at the Great Barrier Reef because our son had recently been diagnosed with an allergy to shelfish - 3 years ago!!) It's like he goes searching his brain for stuff to get anxious about! Does anyone have suggestions about how I can get him to stop worrying about himself and start thinking about the rest of us!

Overwhelmed

replies: 7

Hi, I suffer from depression and anxiety, as does my older sister and our father was diagnosed recently, so things have been incredibly hard for us. Especially since we had been caring for 3 family members up until they passed away in January 2011 and April and June of this year. I have been financially and emotionally supporting my older sister for years. She left her contracted job in early 2011 and decided to take a few months off, to deal with work issues and grieve the loss of our Grandma, who had passed away in January of that year and all the family drama that entailed. She remained unemployed until May of this year. Things haven't been easy for her, she is often ignored or treated like crap, even by our own parents. She has no friends and no self-esteem. She sees a councillor but I am her sounding board. I have really been struggling with my own issues, some of which she has tried to help me with. Seeing her struggle bogs me down and she basically refuses my help. She is essentially a hoarder, she lives in squalor; she can barely open her bedroom door, hasn't changed her bedsheets in more than 6 months and only 1/4 of her bed is clear of crap and there is a thick layer of dust on her bookshelves. Her room smells so bad it makes me nauseas. She refuses to accept it or clean it, which makes my heart break. She gets angry at the drop of a hat (which I understand because I am the same) but when she gets angry in the car, she becomes reckless. When I've mentioned to her that she is speeding (10km+ over the limit) she gets really angry and yells at me that she doesn't need a back seat driver, especially someone who can't drive. (our younger sister speeds as well and so I am constantly worried about her too) When we get into an argument and I walk away so we can both calm down or I ask her to leave me alone, she will follow me so we can continue fighting or stay so our fights get worse. She gets really angry when she's asked to do something and often berates me for what I don't do, even though she doesn't do it either. I am no angel, in fact, I'm far from it but I have tried to be a good sister and friend; especially since our parents accept that our Dad has depression and even wear beyond blue bracelets for him but don't believe we suffer from it; they think we need to grow up or just get things done. I've tried everything and I just have no idea what to do anymore; for her or for me.

Dating Jekyll and Hyde... when to give up?

replies: 2

My boyfriend and i have been together for a few years, it has been rough at times as we have been through a lot, but we are trying to make it work... so he says. My boyfriend wants a different outcome yet does nothing different. From the moment we were "trying" he has said we won't work because i don't like him, he is not the kind of man i want. He has a conversation with himself (pretty much). I attempt to explain that is not how i feel but he has in his head how i feel and nothing i say or do changes it. He is incredibly negative. I am confused how you can be "trying" for something when you already have a mad up mindset. He has regular outbursts - gets very agreesive, calls, texts, insults me, threatens suicide. I walk on egg shells not knowing what i say is going to set him off, it is always my fault. He has severe depression and anxiety. He takes depression medication but that is it. He says nothing helps, he has tried everything, and this is just how it is for him. I have no problems with his depression but i do have a problwm with him not seeking help for it. Not only is it impacting his everyday life, it is impacting my own. I've never had depression before but was currently diagnosed with PND recently following the birth of our 12 month old daughter. I have tried talking to him about it. I am more than ok with some negative criticism in order to grow and help the situation, to learn to communicate better with one another but with him nothing changes. I am difficult. He is miserable, and of course it is my fault. How much do i keep trying? Will it get better or am i fighting a lossing battle and should walk away and start fresh for my own happiness and my little girls.

New relationship with someone with depression

replies: 3

Hi, I'm looking for advice on what to do in my current relationship. I'm in a new relationship with someone I adore, after two months or so of dating he started to withdraw, stopped initiating phone conversations and dates and lost the desire to be intimate. Because of my own insecurities I thought this was because of me, however he's recently told me he's suffered from depression the last few years. I'm finding it really hard at the moment dealing with the thoughts of is his behavior because of his depression or because our relationship isn't as great as I thought. I don't know how to express this to him without being insensitive, as I'm well aware that if it is the depression he can't control it. When he's having a bad day, I don't know whether to let him be or try to get him to talk about it or see him even if he doesn't want me to? I care about him so much. I'm also worried that because he says he doesn't want to be a burden on me, if I show him I'm struggling he'll withdraw further from me.

totally drained and mentally exhausted

replies: 7

I have a 31 year old son living with his grandmother for the past 6 months because: 1. his father relocated interstate 2. I don't have a room for him & 3. 3rd relationship failed and he had nowhere else to go. He had a meltdown 2 years ago and ended up in a high dependency MHU. After many efforts for him to have follow up and ongoing help he agreed to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with PTSD. There was no active treatment because he never went back and still refuses to get help. I don't know how he is holding down his job of 3 months, which I believe he loves, because he is a hermit at home, not taking his antidepressants and is drinking heavily. He is absolutely miserable and very angry, hates where he lives and has blocked his brothers and father's numbers on his phone. He has a 4 year old daughter who lives 3 hours away. Hardly sees her due to interpersonal dynamics with her mother (his ex partner) but when he does have her he can't cope and doesn't spend any time with her, just lies on his bed watching TV. I have tried to talk to him and so has his brother but we end up arguing and he walks out. He is not regular with paying my mother weekly board and she is on a pension so is struggling week to week with food, electricity and gas bills and his moods etc. Also we are puzzled that he has never got any money even though he works full time. We have been on a roller coaster ride with him for many years as he blames the world for his problems. He is desperate to find a soul mate so is always on the online dating site. I think there have been at least 4 girls that have not panned out in the past 3 or 4 months. This adds to his depression. Im worried that his irritability and personality change is going to affect his work relationships as it has in ALL his other jobs and he will ultimately lose his job be out of work and become an absolute hermit again. I have had to virtually hold his hand in the past to get him to centreline of look for work and sort out his bills etc because he doesn't have the initiative to do so himself and in the past has got himself in all sorts of trouble financially. I have had to bail him out time and time again. 3 loss of license: 2 x drink driving, 2 x speeding which leaves him with a provisional license and no points left! He will be again destitute without a license and job if he does something wrong in the next 6 months. He has no respect for his family who have been there for him. It's been a nightmare for us.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

replies: 32

Hello fellow warriors. I'm posting today cos' I need a little insight or advice to help me understand my depressed partners way of thinking. I'm confused and dealing with anxiety myself so I need a rough idea of why hes thinking the way he is. He's 30 and I'm 27. We've been together for 8years.We live together and have no children...only our 4 furbabies. There has been alot that has happened in the last two months and it has been an emotional rollarcoaster (and thats putting it lightly). He broke it off with me just over a week ago but a couple days ago told me he made a mistake, he misses me and wants to be with me. He said he felt it was his only option at the time. That is a brief summary of the D&M we had but anyway back on point. I wanted breathing space for the both of us as we cant support each other in our current states and its impossible to give each other space in the same house especially when you're both constantly worrying about the other person. We are in separate rooms by the way. One mintue he understands our need for space then the next he says he cant afford to move it and if he does hes afraid he'll lose himself and wont come back because hes stubborn. What I'm having trouble with is this. We've both made it clear we love each other, want the future life with each etc (We were just on the road to buying a house and starting a family) but is this identity fear a common thing with depression? I told him I'm not moving forward in our relationship unless we have couples counseling. Theres been too much hurt and damage. Hes getting help. I actually took him to ED the other night cos he cant control his suicidal thoughts anymore. I told him I'm very proud of him being brave and asking for help as alot of people would do otherwise. So to sum up, are these thoughts of fearing identity loss common with depressed men in particular? I'd like to hear your thoughts as well if you've been in a similar situation. Thanks Guys.

Supporting my partner who has bad mood swings and blames me for the way she feels

replies: 8

Hi everyone. I would love to hear from others going through similar situations to my own to see how I can support my wife better. I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 children aged 8 and 10. My wife is a wonderful, caring, loving mother, who is loved and admired by our friends and school community which is she is active in. Publicly she is generous, bubbly, helpful, empathetic and lovely to be around. Behind closed doors however, she seems to cycle between high levels of anxious, angry and stressful activity, and very low levels of energy, high fatigue, and very low motivation. She seems able to switch to her 'public' persona, when needed, but crashes shortly afterwards. When she is on a low cycle, she seems to need an 'enemy' to focus her feelings of being lost, depression, and anger on. More often than not I become the focus of her frustrations and she blames our relationship and my failings as a husband and father as the primary cause of her unhappiness. This has been going for at least 10 years, and has been getting progressively worst. She refuses to see any health care professionals about this and refuses to acknowledge that she has violent mood swings or that there is an issue at all. They seem very closely linked to her menstrual cycle and stress triggers. She is often (6 or times a year) verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and I have found myself getting very angry and resentful based on all the support and running around I do for her on top of working full time - and have started to become verbally abusive back. I have reached the end of my tether! I don't know how to help her, and I don't want to pull apart our family home. Anyone else going through this?

Depressed partner

replies: 2

Hello. I am extremely concerned that my wife is very depressed. She won't let me in her room. She hasn't eaten or drank in 3 days. She has been depressed before and worked her way out of it. She has been so strong and good in that but this time I fear she doesn't want to recover and may want to die. The indications seem there. She has just hurt her back as well so is partially immobile. I am not coping myself trying to work out what to do, who can help, when to get help. I don't want to go another day her not eating or drinking. I'm lost.

Wife in long term chronic pain, depressed and looking for meaning.

replies: 4

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. More than 5 years ago she was highly ambitious, worked long hours and took medication for her long term reflux problems. In order to get better, she resigned from work & stopped the reflux medication (it disrupts normal digestive function). The long term use of the medication had caused significant medical problems and she is still now in constant pain throughout many of her organs due to an undiagnosable dysfunction. We moved from Melbourne to our current warm climate to help her health. As a child she was pushed hard by her parents and never received any recognition for her efforts. She has grown into someone who is goal-oriented but rarely satisfied with her results. But now she doesn't have the energy to keep up the effort she feels she needs to. She does not have hobbies and can't understand them; does not know how to do something just for enjoyment. She knows these things about herself, but doesn't know how to change. She is frequently asking me (highly unqualified) to help her find meaning in life. We undertake projects together and I have been trying to nurture her creative, playful side. But eventually it collapses in a sea of "what's the point?" and things that start out fun become "a drudge". She has recently started saying that she will live "for me", putting up with the pain and meaninglessness. Without me should would "choose to die". She has asked me to help her go through the options for ending her life and we've had serious conversations about how she could do it. It upsets me a lot, but she feels good if we're working on something. (We found all options are bad and there are no plans made, as far as I know). She has always become very upset at the suggestion that she could see someone professional, and any mention of the topic always makes her more upset and even angry. She has cut ties with her family as they are demanding and have never shown love, only guilt. My family does not come close to understanding what she goes through, as she puts on a happy face when we're out. So it is just the two of us. Isolated. I would go to a medical professional without haste, but she will not. She is such a wonderful person. I want to see her enjoy her life. I have no idea what to do.

Very concerned about a friend

replies: 4

Hello, I'm Clare and new to beyond Blue and this forum. My husband and I have a young friend (30) who is helping us with a renovation. He is very skilled and has been a great help. Earlier this year, he asked if he could move in to the house we are renovating; we are renting elsewhere. This was fine by us, but a building site is not a great place to live ... although he has a bedroom, bathroom and kitchen ... and space to build things for himself. 3 years ago, he broke up with his partner, and I don't think he has recovered as he still gets teary when he speaks of her. Over the last few weeks, we have noticed changes in him that are of concern. He has never eaten very well, but lately he has lost a lot of weight, is fairly isolated with no friends close-by, is withdrawn and nervous, and is very irritable with my husband at work ... insisting on doing things his way etc. I have tried to let him know that I am concerned, that I have noticed he seems depressed ... but he just smiled, or rather it was more of a grimace, and said he is fine. He really isn't fine, and we are both worried about him. I would appreciate any ideas on how to help him ... how to encourage him to talk and hopefully to get him to seek help. Thank you. Clare

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Musings on selfishness replies: 4

Overwhelmed replies: 7

Dating Jekyll and Hyde... when to give up? replies: 2

New relationship with someone with depression replies: 3

totally drained and mentally exhausted replies: 7

Need Advice On Depressed Partner replies: 32

Supporting my partner who has bad mood swings and blames me for the way she feels replies: 8

Depressed partner replies: 2

Wife in long term chronic pain, depressed and looking for meaning. replies: 4

Very concerned about a friend replies: 4