Very concerned about a friend

ClareD · ‎04-09-2016

Hello,

I'm Clare and new to beyond Blue and this forum. My husband and I have a young friend (30) who is helping us with a renovation. He is very skilled and has been a great help. Earlier this year, he asked if he could move in to the house we are renovating; we are renting elsewhere. This was fine by us, but a building site is not a great place to live ... although he has a bedroom, bathroom and kitchen ... and space to build things for himself.

3 years ago, he broke up with his partner, and I don't think he has recovered as he still gets teary when he speaks of her. Over the last few weeks, we have noticed changes in him that are of concern. He has never eaten very well, but lately he has lost a lot of weight, is fairly isolated with no friends close-by, is withdrawn and nervous, and is very irritable with my husband at work ... insisting on doing things his way etc. I have tried to let him know that I am concerned, that I have noticed he seems depressed ... but he just smiled, or rather it was more of a grimace, and said he is fine.

He really isn't fine, and we are both worried about him. I would appreciate any ideas on how to help him ... how to encourage him to talk and hopefully to get him to seek help.

Thank you.

Clare

geoff · ‎05-09-2016

i Clare, thank you so much for posting your comment.
The word 'fine' always indicates to me that someone is suffering from some form of depression, because it's such an insipid word not telling you whether they are good or too shy to tell you that are suffering, so he must have been in love with this girl and for some reason it ended.
For him to move into your house which is undergoing renovations is what I have done when in depression, and to explain why is not going to be easy, but perhaps it's a place where you have no real connections for anything or anybody, even though it's your house, it feels empty, there are no attachments to anything and it's somewhere where you can cry and nobody will know.
You look around and it's like seeing through walls, there is no identity, whereas if he lives in a house where he has to pay rent, electricity or gas and insurance then he has some identity and responsibilty.
His mood now has deteriorated and a reason why he wants to do things his way is because there may not be any time limit doing it by himself, plus he hopes that your husband has no idea of what to do.
Has the issue of seeing his doctor come up in any discussions, because from what you are saying he is not feeling well at all and seems to be suffering from some form of depression, although I can't diagnose him as I'm not qualified to do so.
Hope to hear back from you and I hope that youi could understand what I have been trying to say. Geoff. x

ClareD · ‎05-09-2016

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate it as we don't quite know how to handle this situation.What you have said about living in our house makes sense. I don't think he has a doctor here ... he is originally from interstate and as far as I know hasn't been to the doctor. I am going to try again to talk to him today, but don't want to further alienate him. I have printed out "Where to find more information" and hope he will make contact with Beyond Blue.

I hope I can get him talking but feel that he is fairly fragile at the moment. I have read the advice on the BB website ... and hope I can help him to get some support.

romantic_thi3f · ‎06-09-2016

Hi ClareD,

Thanks for posting and I'm glad that you are able to be there and be supportive of your friend. It sounds as though he is having a rough time at the moment.

I'm just wondering what sort of support he has around him? Often it can be difficult to reach out but by utilising the support he has already it might be an option. Friends and family can be very helpful at this time. You mentioned he hasn't been with the doctor but maybe there might have been another person that he's connected with in the past. Are you close with him? Perhaps it might be helpful to have a talk about how you are feeling concerned and think it might be helpful to have a chat with someone.

If he is not ready it might also be helpful to talk about how you can work with him to feel better; for example - the idea of therapy might be too confronting at this time but maybe being more social or chatting to the GP about his weight might not be.

You may also find this helpful to read - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

ClareD · ‎09-09-2016

Well reaching out does seem to have helped, but it will take time I think for him to be eating more healthily and to plan for the future.

Thanks for the advice. It's been very helpful.