Husband has depression - explodes at kids - they want him to move out!

[rosiej]

This is the first time I have ever written on this site. My husband has always had a depressive/anxious nature since I have known him for 20 plus years - for the last 6 years he has been on anti-depressants . But he has now decided to stop taking medication (and said that he feels so much better not taking it and will not go back on it) and at the same time is going through a very stressful period of his business being very quiet, being at home (as his work is based from home) and being anxious about the future financially (and not being able to gain other employment ). We have four children and I work full time. However it has got to the point where he explodes at the smallest thing, particularly with the kids (two of whom are teenagers). He went off two times yesterday at the kids and was particularly nasty to my teenage son who was in tears after he apparently didn't do something right. My other teenager (daughter) was also in tears, saying she hates him and wants him to leave. I am going away with the younger two kids for 4 nights in the school holidays and the older two said they can't cope with staying with him (so I am arranging for them to stay with friends. I have always tried to be so supportive and understanding but it's just not fair on the kids. There are times when he is good but he just explodes at the smallest things. Its just so hard to cope now... I know he loves the kids tremendously and is no doubt wracked with guilt at what he said to our son but it's a pattern ...

[white knight]

Hi rosiej, welcome

A few things come to mind. By the way, I have depression, dysthymia, bipolar 2 and dwindling anxiety. I'm 60yo

Firstly,depression, like a lot if disorders us often lifelong. So going totally off his meds is going to have an obvious result. Pity he didn't merely get his doctors approval to reduce them or change the brand.

Most adults don't get a grip on mental illness so teenagers haven't got a chance.

i get the impression the children are your children. Meaning he is their step father. If so that's more of an issue.

Working from home?....that about tops it off for stress and reaction.

1/ can your husband move his office out to the garage ? Making it comfortable if course.

2/ your husband made Hus executive decision to go off meds. What about the rest of the family that had to live with this? You might gave to become firm in your influence on him.

3/ family counselling. I think its needed for at least some harmony. Try Relationships Australia. Now I have advise with this move....if he won't attend with you...go alone. By not going he has decided it isn't his concern, alarm bells for you right there. When you return from counselling he'll want to know detail, I wouldn't discuss it. Tell him if he is concerned he will attend with you.

If a family member has issues that are effecting the rest of the family they have a duty to do something about it.

Also google this: Topic:who cares for the carer- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Fairywings]

hi lovely and welcome. I think you may just need to organise ur local GP to come and do a home visit and explain to him the risks and implications of just deciding to come off his meds. he is clearly not coping and u guys are getting the backlash of his behaviour which is really unfair for you guys. clearly he is needing some further help. can u tell me if he is linked in with a psychologist / psychiatrist if not i think it's a very good idea that he be for his own well being and for you guys as well. You can also go along to his appointments to ensure he feels supported bc when depression and anxiety is left untreated for periods of time it can become volatile in its nature and to the recipient it distorts every ounce of their perceptions that's just mental illness does it plagues people. Hope this has helped in some way please keep coming back to us we are all going to help you u guys get thru this. Lovely to meet you Venessa xx

[geoff]

hi Rosiej, I can't add much more than what Tony has said because 1,2,3 get my tick as well, but the main point is that he may want to stop taking his medication and says that he feels better, but is he because he has yelled at your kids to the point where they don't want to live with him.
This does happen with people who feel they are much better while taking medication and suddenly think that they don't need it any more, but as soon as they stop then their past illness only returns, they don't realise that the medication has been making them feel better, and that's a big mistake unless he consults with his doctor.
You can't continue to be the go-between here, it won't work because eventually it will bring you down as well and we don't wnt that to happen. Geoff. x

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi rosiej,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting.

Can I ask how long your husband has been off the medication? The only reason that I ask is because sometimes withdrawing too quickly can cause affects, and other times it can take a few weeks for the medication to settle and be out of the system. I strongly advise your husband chat with your GP about the medication and how he's feeling.

The good thing in this is that it sounds as though your husband is aware of his behaviour and how it's affecting your kids. Being aware is a benefit as that way he can be mindful of the cycle (or pattern) and work out strategies on how to break it. Does he know what the trigger for the 'explosion' is? It might be helpful to implement different strategies on what he can do if he's feeling this way again - in a safe way that doesn't affect the kids.

I'm also wondering if it would be helpful to explain to your kids about what is happening with their dad. They may not be understanding that the medication has been changed and how this has had an affect. Often teenagers especially can have the tendency to take it personally, so knowing that their Dad is just going through a tough time can be helpful. This can also help alleviate some of that anger about wanting him to move out.

[Carmela]

Hi rosiej, you have received some great advice from the BB Champions and members, but l would like to add one more. Education is so important in understanding your husbands depression. My son was also a target at times of my husbands mood swings, therefore l took steps to education myself and our son who was only 7 yrs old at the time. To help your kids make sense of what is going on, can l recommend that you contact COPMI (Children of Parents with Mental Illness). They are a not for profit who provide some free and valuable resources covering children up to the age of 18 yrs old.

I still use some of the resources now and my son is 10 years old. It is all age specific and relevant to what is happening in your home.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Rosiej, first I have to put on the table my bias for family therapy and the power that this type of therapy has in helping to address a system in crisis. I will get back to this...

Now .. It sounds like this man is in distress and needs support and love. Having said that I believe you and the kids need it too!!! So.. what I might say to him is something like "Whats going on ? I can see you are not ok and i feel bad for you. The way I see you are not ok is that you are very irritable and quick to temper and you are upsetting the kids and me. I know you don’t want to be that guy so whats going on ? “ If he can respond to that offer to help, great ! start the ball rolling and get him back to his therapist / GP. If he says that there is nothing wrong with him and everyone just needs to suck it up .. then you get the name of a trained family therapist and make an appointment.

If he agrees to come with you, you get the whole family in . Get everyone to explain how she /he feels the family has been travelling lately . Let the kids explain one by one in front of the therapist what it feels like for them to witness their fathers outbursts. Let him hear, and I mean really hear , what it feels like to see the person you want to respect and look up to for guidance behave poorly … it feels like such a huge let down . You want to trust that guy , but then you can’t. Most dad’s don’t want to hear that from their kids and it may be a powerful motivator to get him back to looking after himself and managing him mental health better.

If he doesn’t come along , at least the therapist will help your kids to not be so hurt when their dad acts poorly . Not to personalise it but see it as his demons acting up again. They may also be given some simple skills for how to back down or disengage from their dad’s irrational anger.

It is a super stressful situation to be stuck in the middle so get some help to untangle the mess!