totally drained and mentally exhausted

margaro · ‎14-09-2016

I have a 31 year old son living with his grandmother for the past 6 months because: 1. his father relocated interstate 2. I don't have a room for him & 3. 3rd relationship failed and he had nowhere else to go. He had a meltdown 2 years ago and ended up in a high dependency MHU. After many efforts for him to have follow up and ongoing help he agreed to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with PTSD. There was no active treatment because he never went back and still refuses to get help. I don't know how he is holding down his job of 3 months, which I believe he loves, because he is a hermit at home, not taking his antidepressants and is drinking heavily. He is absolutely miserable and very angry, hates where he lives and has blocked his brothers and father's numbers on his phone. He has a 4 year old daughter who lives 3 hours away. Hardly sees her due to interpersonal dynamics with her mother (his ex partner) but when he does have her he can't cope and doesn't spend any time with her, just lies on his bed watching TV. I have tried to talk to him and so has his brother but we end up arguing and he walks out. He is not regular with paying my mother weekly board and she is on a pension so is struggling week to week with food, electricity and gas bills and his moods etc. Also we are puzzled that he has never got any money even though he works full time. We have been on a roller coaster ride with him for many years as he blames the world for his problems. He is desperate to find a soul mate so is always on the online dating site. I think there have been at least 4 girls that have not panned out in the past 3 or 4 months. This adds to his depression. Im worried that his irritability and personality change is going to affect his work relationships as it has in ALL his other jobs and he will ultimately lose his job be out of work and become an absolute hermit again. I have had to virtually hold his hand in the past to get him to centreline of look for work and sort out his bills etc because he doesn't have the initiative to do so himself and in the past has got himself in all sorts of trouble financially. I have had to bail him out time and time again. 3 loss of license: 2 x drink driving, 2 x speeding which leaves him with a provisional license and no points left! He will be again destitute without a license and job if he does something wrong in the next 6 months. He has no respect for his family who have been there for him. It's been a nightmare for us.

white knight · ‎14-09-2016

Hi Margaro welcome

This is just my opinion. Regardless of his history with all that you've listed, his future us in his 31yo hands. We often mention here about not making a horse drink having led it to water.

It is unproductive to remember his past errors. Furthermore he, I think, needs a heap of continuous praise because he feels a failure.

But as we have mentioned here, mental illness doesn't mean one is excused from his responsibilities. His salary could be spent anywhere, online gambling, poor management etc. His first obligation is to pay his grandmother rent.So, as in all households where there is an agreement, a meeting should be called and regardless of his employment even if he loses his job, he must pay rent every week/fortnight.

But add to that meeting much tact and praise.

As fir his decisions to isolate himself from others that's his way if coping and its between him and them. They have to work that out. Don't risk your own relationship.

Be firm, fair, understanding, praise worthy (often), flexible and his supporter for any ongoing mental health treatment.

That's where you'll serve him best. By being in his corner. He isn't well.

Tony WK

Starwolf · ‎14-09-2016

Hi Margaro,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns.

I once was sole carer of a child with brain injury so I understand how drained you are feeling now. Though he doesn't realize this, your son is lucky to have you and a supportive grandmother.

I agree with Tony's advice. While continuing to support him, letting him abuse your help and hospitality will only encourage him to lean more heavily on you. All you will get by way of thanks is burn out. If he really cannot cope with day to day survival, it may bring home the fact that he needs to seek assistance. At the moment, it seems he has little incentive to contribute to his upkeep. He is confident that his needs will be taken care of. Perhaps shaking that confidence will compel him to rethink his options.

I am concerned about YOUR well being. Please take good care of your own needs. Let him know that sometimes you will take time out -in whichever way appeals to you- instead of running his errands. He will of course be displeased but may also gain a little more respect for those around him. Small things like this, if done gently will begin to alter his perspective away from being the center of his loved ones universe.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find useful info in the "Supporting someone" section. Navigating the carer's threads part of these forums will help you connect and exchange thoughts and ideas with those in similar situations. Caring for a despondent loved one in need is a tough job. There are many caring, understanding people in this network who will be willing to support YOU in this.

Cornstarch · ‎14-09-2016

Hi Margaro,

I have PTSD from a violent sexual assault but I have also been a child carer for a mother with an acute mental illness , schizophrenia, and a father that had depression but chose to end his life. Chronic stress is all that I know. I am so sorry for your chronic stress.

I've been on both sides, and being the carer, can be hell!!! Just because I also have PTSD you don't have to edit yourself with me. Let the frustration fly, I completely understand. I am so acutely aware of how hard it is to be on 'the other side' that when I feel my PTSD flare up I grab my keys and bolt to the great outdoors. I refuse to put my family through 2 minutes of that, and it actually decreases my arousal knowing that I have saved them from it.

PTSD is the pits. The severity and weighting of each symptom is different for everyone. I don't really get depressed with mine expect when I have one particular memory recall that is quite simply so soul destroying anyone would be depressed! It took me years to understand and log, describe, write and draw my "loop of arousal" so that when it happens I know what to do. It takes years and you can't do it on your own.

PTSD treatment is this country is pathetic. Pathetic. Nothing chemical has worked for me, nor a lot of people and we're left on our own.

RE: the alcohol, I am out of my depth. I do not know what to suggest. It would be SO easy to go down that path. Poor guy, I really feel for him.

As the lovely Starwolf said. Caring for someone short term - sure we can all do that. But caring for someone LONGTERM - you simply cannot ignore your needs and not collapse. It is humanly impossible. There is no cure for PTSD yet. Take it from all the carers that have come before you and learnt really hard lessons that you HAVE to look after yourself too. I know it pulls at the heart strings and feels like you're abandoning them but trust us, you will burn out.

margaro · ‎15-09-2016

Thanks for your reply. Your right, I am starting to feel the effects of being a long term carer and I instinctively have tried to give him and me space and time out. There is so much help and resources on this website. I'm amazed!

margaro · ‎15-09-2016

Your right he isn't well. He doesn't realise how unwell he is. I have been there for him time and time again. The only one who has any empathy and understanding. Being a nurse would have something to do with that. I don't know if he will ever go the next step and seek help as you said.. you can lead a horse to water....It's been about 13 years now since his first traumatic encounter. Thank you for you advise and support. This website is a godsend. I can relate to so many people. In some way it's rather comforting.

margaro · ‎15-09-2016

Hi and thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. Wow, double whammy for you....So sorry for what you have and are going through. Recognising the signs and, "taking off" seems to work to a certain degree for you which is a good thing. I appreciate where your coming from and will take it all on board. Everyone's responses are so positive and will greatly assist me in the days to come.

Cornstarch · ‎15-09-2016

Double whammy for Corny.

The hardest part is the stigma and the assumption that my siblings and I are morose, bleak and potentially volatile that do not enjoy anything about life. But that comes with the territory of psychotic illnesses, they have hundreds of years of mythology behind them that skew people's judgment and make them wary of us.

If your son is grabbing for the drink as a result of his trauma I wouldn't recommend he goes running up deserted beaches by himself. That could end in tragedy.

It's easy for me to sit in a chair and say this, and I know implementing it is so so hard, but he has to address his lack of impulse control and emotional self-regulation before he attempts to do anything else.

That alone could take a couple of years but it builds the foundation for everything that follows.

It would be very dangerous to start addressing the trauma before he looks at impulses and emotional self-regulation. If he attempts to attack the trauma without this he will only end up feeling like a "failure", and he will Yo-Yo up and down, swimming in horrific flashbacks with no hand-break.

He's at risk of sinking into defeated collapse and self-loathing which in itself is very dangerous for his psyche. He's not stupid, he knows perfectly well that he is not in control, and this can lead to deep shame.

Shame = Spiral.

Develops his hand-break in his engine first.

Good luck.