Need Advice On Depressed Partner

[Pennywise]

Hello fellow warriors.

I'm posting today cos' I need a little insight or advice to help me understand my depressed partners way of thinking. I'm confused and dealing with anxiety myself so I need a rough idea of why hes thinking the way he is.

He's 30 and I'm 27. We've been together for 8years.We live together and have no children...only our 4 furbabies.

There has been alot that has happened in the last two months and it has been an emotional rollarcoaster (and thats putting it lightly). He broke it off with me just over a week ago but a couple days ago told me he made a mistake, he misses me and wants to be with me. He said he felt it was his only option at the time. That is a brief summary of the D&M we had but anyway back on point.

I wanted breathing space for the both of us as we cant support each other in our current states and its impossible to give each other space in the same house especially when you're both constantly worrying about the other person. We are in separate rooms by the way. One mintue he understands our need for space then the next he says he cant afford to move it and if he does hes afraid he'll lose himself and wont come back because hes stubborn.

What I'm having trouble with is this. We've both made it clear we love each other, want the future life with each etc (We were just on the road to buying a house and starting a family) but is this identity fear a common thing with depression? I told him I'm not moving forward in our relationship unless we have couples counseling. Theres been too much hurt and damage. Hes getting help. I actually took him to ED the other night cos he cant control his suicidal thoughts anymore. I told him I'm very proud of him being brave and asking for help as alot of people would do otherwise.

So to sum up, are these thoughts of fearing identity loss common with depressed men in particular? I'd like to hear your thoughts as well if you've been in a similar situation.

Thanks Guys.

[Paul]

Hi Pennywise, Welcome!

I'm glad you found us and thank you for sharing some of your pain - I know this can help sometimes, but at least it can start a process of discovery

The first thing that jumps into my mind about your post is the visit to the ED due to your partner not being able to control his suicidal thoughts anymore. Are either of you receiving treatment eg counselling, medication, psych visits?

Depression can close in on us like fog. It dulls or removes senses, short circuits emotions, makes thoughts all warpy and steals energy. These are some common things I hear from both males and females.

Your partner expressed that he would like to get back together and you've set some conditions - that's a really good step for you to protect yourself and I don't think it's unreasonable. I wonder if visiting a counsellor or Psychologist together might be a good step as well as it sounds like there might be some issues that are aggravating both of you - you said your anxiety was playing up and obviously your post is about your concern for your partner.

Ensure you look after yourself - I admire your strength in setting some conditions to protect yourself, that's so important. Please follow that up with a lot of self care, good nutrition, relaxation and talking about what's going on. Feel free to visit here as often as necessary and chat or yell or just tell us how things are.

There are some great resources on the site about caring for someone with depression. They are under the heading "Supporting Someone" at the top and bottom of the page.

My strongest advice would be to try and see a professional together.

Take care, hope to hear from you soon.

Paul

[Pennywise]

Hi Paul.

Thanks for responding. Its really hard not to get overwhelmed by what he does and says and i guess im finding it hard because it feels like our relationship is in limbo. We're still in separate rooms which im ok with but its confusing to know whats ok and whats not.

For example he gave me a hug the other night and tonight which was nice. I know right now he has an issue with being touched which i understand. I just said to him to come to he when hes ready if he wants to cuddle or whatever and that i wont push. I guess its hard for me cos i crave and miss his affection.

Yes, im seeing a psychologist to help me through and work on my anxiety. Since being at the Er the other night theres the local mental health service have been calling him every day and they are rescheduling a appointment for him at the hospital to see the psychologist. Ive seen a massive improvement in him. That being said there's no guarantee he wont get down again but hes sticking to his writing in his book for his thoughts and being positive.

He also has chronic lower back pain which hes on meds for but the psychiatric nurse who saw him at the hospital said the meds his dr has him on are heavy narcotics and no wonder his head is all over the place. He is so relieved. So they are going to look into his meds and also getting him referred to a back pain management specialist.

When i got home from work we talked a lil about our relationship but i think after 10mins he couldn't handle any more so he just said he's going to have alone time now. Thats ok. At least i got to tell him my feelings without either of us getting emotional.

But for now im positive. Who knows what will happen tomorrow but for tonight im smiling.

P.S. We will be going to couples counselling not just for relationship issues that need resolving but so we can be prepared next time his depression gets bad as i was not prepared.

[Paul]

Hi again Pennywise,

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad your looking after your health foremost but at the same time being gentle and patient with your partner. I know it's difficult, it can really tear away at your heart. I get the feeling that you've set up a lot of great mechanisms to protect you both emotionally.

Did you get a chance to read any of the material here on the Beyond Blue site? It might provide some ideas or prompt some questions to ask your couples counsellor when you visit.

Stay in touch and let us know how things a progressing Pennywise. Take care.

Paul

[geoff]

hi Pennywise, thanks Paul for a great response here, and it's good that the med's he's on for his back can distrupt his mood, which we never think of because all we think about is that they will just control his pain level, but this may not be the situation.
Every day is a different day, it could be similar to what happened yesterday or it could be completely the opposite, it's impossible to say and very unpredictable, and I suppose that's what is disappointing, but with anxiety and/or depression this happens.
It maybe a good idea for you to keep a diary of the day's activities for the both of you, so that when you need to see the psychologist or couples counsellor then you will be up to date.
There is a possibility that he maybe a little shy if he wants share the bed, because people can feel guilty for changing arrangements,but that would depend on what type of person he was before of this happened, and this can be linked back to the question you have asked 'about identity loss'.
To expand on this they may feel guilty because they may have have partly or fully rejected the person they once loved, or that you had to take him to the ED because of the way he was feeling.
By having a brief talk is good for the both of you and as a result of the couples counselling plus the help he is getting from the mental health service, but there will be days when he does want to alone, or days when he dosen't want to go to couples counselling, but try and encourage him to go with you. Geoff. x

[Pennywise]

Hey guys.

Im feeling a bit low today even though it was a relatively good day. Guess im just feeling a lil impatient, frustrated and disappointed.

My partner has dramatically improved since our visit to the ED. Hes writing down his thoughts etc and has eveb been sealing them in an envelope because hes worried they'll be read. A pretty smart idea i think. Hes also been talking to a few close friends. He has his good days and bad as expected.

But the thing that bothers me the most is our relationship cos it feels like its in limbo at the moment.

He doesn't want to be touched. Even though we've both expressed that we want to be with each other we're not intimate or physical in any way except the two hugs ive received in total.

I did explain to him that i understand and i won't push him. If he wants to try holding hands and then decides its too much that thats ok too. But i guess im tired of waiting. I feel like we're roommates cos we sleep in separate rooms at the moment.

Hes going up north for two weeks soon for a holiday to see his friends and family but now im worried cos i dont want him to leave without at least trying to be intimate.

Im tired of feeling disappointed. I hate this.

Has anyone else been through this?

To make matters worse ive now lost two support persons. Pretty much cos i didnt kick my partner out.

[geoff]

hi Penny,I just wonder whether or not you have a dog, I'm only saying this because if you do then the dog may need a bath and would he wash the dog, if so then once he starts washing it then try and put your hands on the dog meaning to touch your partner's hands, just briefly to begin with, or is there something else that you could accidently touch him pretending to be by mistake, but actually not. Geoff. x

[Pennywise]

Hi again Geoff.

Thanks for replying.

To answer your question we dont have a dog only four cats.

He did sit on our bed with me last night to watch a movie but maybe i just have too high expectations. Hes the kind of person if you push too hard he'll push you away which is (in his mind) why he broke up with me and then a few days later changed his mind. He also told me this so im not assuming anything.

All i want to do is kiss him but im also scared of doing that cos i dont want to be rejected.

Im also a bit angry about his family forcing him to leave for two weeks for a holiday. When things get hard they always do it. The problem is i feel its not a long-term solution for his depression. Its an escape and doesnt allow him to address whats really going on underneath. From what hes told me he has alot of self esteem and self worth feelings he needs to deal with. Im angry because i feel they are only enabling his problems and i worry cos he cant just take off for a holiday when we have kids in the future and leave me to deal with everything.

No matter who i explain the situation to they don't seem to hear me. Im tired of being the supportive one when everything gets tough. All i get is "all you can do is support him and be there for him".

Is my situation unique or is this more common than i think?

[Paul]

Hi Pennywise,

You're not alone in experiencing what you're going through. I've chatted with a few people and read a number of posts on here about the difficulties depression exerts on relationships, so I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad and angry.

It seems like you have very little control over your partner's responses at the moment. I can imagine that is a large source of the anger you're feeling, especially with the plans you have for the future.

Perhaps we can bring your thoughts only to the present for now. Shrink your outlook to the next week only and think in one week chunks only for now. Perhaps even less.

Your partner is heading off for a holiday for 2 weeks, despite his family being a possible source of difficulty, perhaps this time could be used to be a little selfish and treat yourself, nice baths, favourite foods, best friends. If you have a friend you trust you might confide in them or choose to stay in your own mind for a while and slow things right down. No future projection. Perhaps during this time you could see a counsellor or your GP for a referral to a psychologist to have a really good chat about your concerns.

There are some resources on the site that you may have already read about caring for a loved one with depression.

After your partner's holiday, you may discover some change for the better

So, treat yourself kind, bring back your future projection to no more than a week and establish a routine and some structure to keep things a bit "Normal"

Also, stay in touch here and let us know how things are going.

Paul

[Pennywise]

Hi everyone.

Well im back for some advice but im doing ok for now. My partner ended up going away for 5 weeks which gave both of us a bit of time to breathe and work through things on our own.

My friend told me that when he arrived, the first week his language was alot of "me's" and "I's" but the next week it changed to "we" and "our". After two weeks he asked me to fly up and go see him cos he misses me and wants to be with me. All in all a very overwhelming and emotional and awkward weekend it was. This was a big step for me as i genuinely felt that he wanted to spend time with me.

Now hes back home. We were intimate while we spent the weekend together but its different now hes home. Hes back to not wanting to be touched although he'll allow hand holding and kisses but i tried to cuddle with him before we went to sleep and i asked if it was ok but his reply was a shake of his head. I might add the first night he was back i came home from work and he chose to sleep in our bedroom rather than the loungeroom.

I need advice and whether anyone has had similar experiences where you or your partner is depressed and doesn't want to be touched. I guess im having a bit of trouble understanding how we could be intimate while we were away but now its not ok.

He seems to be doing alot better at managing everything but i fear we wont be able to work out our relationship problems if he doesn't try to let go of the past. I have and im much happier for it.

Thanks for the support