Supporting my partner who has bad mood swings and blames me for the way she feels

[DJAJP]

Hi everyone.  I would love to hear from others going through similar situations to my own to see how I can support my wife better.  I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 children aged 8 and 10.  My wife is a wonderful, caring, loving mother, who is loved and admired by our friends and school community which is she is active in.  Publicly she is generous, bubbly, helpful, empathetic and lovely  to be around.  Behind closed doors however, she seems to cycle between high levels of anxious, angry and stressful activity, and very low levels of energy, high fatigue, and very low motivation.  She seems able to switch to her 'public' persona, when needed, but crashes shortly afterwards. When she is on a low cycle, she seems to need an 'enemy' to focus her feelings of being lost, depression, and anger on.  More often than not I become the focus of her frustrations and she blames our relationship and my failings as a husband and father as the primary cause of her unhappiness.  This has been going for at least 10 years, and has been getting progressively worst.  She refuses to see any health care professionals about this and refuses to acknowledge that she has violent mood swings or that there is an issue at all.  They seem very closely linked to her menstrual cycle and stress triggers.  She is often (6 or  times a year) verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and I have found myself getting very angry and resentful based on all the support and running around I do for her on top of working full time  - and have started to become verbally abusive back.  I have reached the end of my tether!  I don't know how to help her, and I don't want to pull apart our family home.  Anyone else going through this?

[white knight]

Hi DJAJP, welcome

I cannot diagnose. But what you describe is not unlike my mother that has I beleive, undiagnosed cronic BPD. I googled a lot once and found an entry that described her exactly. What I googled was "Waif, witch, queen, hermit".

But I could be way off track. What concerns me is her denials and refusal to seek medical help which I might add, is common among readers here. To me, what that results in is that she is not concerned with her effect on you. I find that unacceptable. So what do you do?

My way would be to tell her you are seeking medical help "in dealing with her moods". You are not saying she is moody only that you have to learn how to deal with them. That way it sounds like you are seeking help for yourself....which you would be. Then tell her "and if you want to come along to help me cope that would be welcome". Then say now more. The invitation has been issued. It would then be up to her. She has to own her own problems.

If she doesnt go then you are indeed going to learn to cope with her and any issues you have that may contribute towards the friction you both have.

In the end you have to make up your own mind if her moods can be tolerated if she doesnt attend counselling/GP visits. I hope she does.

Tony WK

[DJAJP]

Many thanks for the welcome and reply Tony.  I really appreciate your perspective.  I am seeing a counselor regularly and have done off and on for 6 years, to do exactly what you suggest, work out ways of coping, managing with her mood swings, and also dealing with my resentment and anger towards her.   She knows I see someone, and switches from being supportive (saying that I have the problem therefore its a good idea) to undermining the credibility of my counselor depending on where she is at.  She has, at times agreed to see a counselor together, but never follows through.  I thought that setting an example of seeing someone would help her be ok with seeing someone herself, but she seems to just use it as a proof point that I am the one with the problem.

 I was looking on this forum and came across a recommendation of a book 'will I ever be good enough' by Dr McBride.  My wife has had a very dysfunctional relationship with her mum since she can remember. Her Mum  appears to have all the traits of NPD. On reading this book (I went and bought a copy) I think it would be very useful for my wife as it may help her understand the role her relationship with her mum has played and still plays in her emotional life.  My dilemma now is how and when do I talk to her about this, and give her the book, without triggering a defensive response from her?

 I also think I am playing the part of codependent - constantly trying to seek my wifes approval, and trying to help her - and never meeting her standards.  I know this is crazy as she will not change unless she recognizes she needs to deal with things herself but when you are living with this day to day it is very difficult to be rational and objective.

 Thanks again

[white knight]

Hi again DJAJP

There is so much information on the internet.

I once googled "illnesses suffered by children of mothers with BPD" and came up with issues not unlike mine- bipolar 2, depression, dysthymia and anxiety. That meant a lot to me to discover this. Also facts like - some BPD people start their issues at a young age...between 6 and 9yo, from a problem with others, like abuse, jealousy etc.

What I learned is that BPD persons or NPD rarely get professional medical help and when they do they reject it in the short term. I'll let you search for yourself.

I'm 99% sure my mother has BPD, but I'll never really know as her denial was so strong that she would never seek help....and so lost her two surviving children. Thats how fierce her ups and downs were and her manipulation of others. So convincing has been her twisting of facts that my sister and I have lost many relatives and many of these relatives were once in her firing line too....but of course, if you are forgiven by these people you soon find yourself enjoying her nurturing. And such was my childhood, love one minute - condemned the next.

I can recall a day when my mother and I had a fallout. I was 10yo. Then lunchtime was fine and the afternoon wonderful. My dad entered the house form work at 7pm and she waited at the door for him to condemn me for what occured 9 hours earlier. He belted me. An hour later I emerged from my bedroom to sit at the dining table for dinner and my mother had rolling tears, medication lined up near her plate and me in terror. And my crime? I made my bed that morning but there were too many wrinkles in the bedspread.

Anyway, read up on these problems. There are many articles in these pages also. Eventually you might come to the realisation that living with your spouse is near impossible unless she seeks help.I hope I'm wrong.

Tony WK

[SeventyEight]

Hi DJAJP

I may as well have written your post. I can totally empathise with so much of what you have written. I can't give you any advice (I don't feel I am qualified) but I can say : "I hear you brother, you are not alone".

Fortunately my wife is taking medication, but we still have highs and lows. I am not sure how you can convince your wife to see someone, with my wife she had a particularly bad outburst and I was fortunately not the subject of it so had less emotion than if it was at me - so I could say : "Hey, this reaction of yours...it's not really what I would expect...maybe we should see someone about it"

Now, I always try to assess if the reaction seems "bigger" than it should be that I might be the lightning rod for some other issue.

Good luck and I hope things improve

[Carmela]

Hi DJAJP, I am so sorry to hear about your challenges. It is a difficult situation when a partner refuses to seek help but is more than willing to direct their frustrations and anger at their spouse. I could feel your pain and sympathized as l read your post.

You have received some great advice so far, but can l add one more - in relation to the book. If you feel it would be beneficial for your wife to read it, leave it around the house. Highlight the pages and paragraphs that you want her to take notice of, even bookmark the pages and she will soon or later pick it up as we are all inquisitive beings. I did this with my husband, who chooses not to read or listen to me when he is not well. He did read the marked sections of the book. This started the conversation. Be it brief at first, but he slowly understood what l was trying to say but could only do so, with a book – its neutral territory.

l have no experience with BPD (if that is what she has), but I hope my suggestion helps in some small way.

You are a strong and courageous man. She is fortunate to have you by her side. Remember also the reasons why you married 13 years ago. Go back to that place. Inside, she is not a bad person. It's the illness speaking. 

Sending you strength on your journey.

[DA]

Hi DJAJP,

I have read your post and have a tremendous empathy for your feelings. Reading your post, I have realised that I am not the only one going through this for over decade now. I also want to keep my family together with three children and still don't know the solution. There should be a non-textbook solution for this and wonder if you experienced one yet. 

[WooHoo]

Hi DJAJP

A very unfortunate position - I can assure you are not alone.

I myself had a similiar circumstance. We are no longer together, but I wished I had acted differently in dealing with this situation. My children were a bit older than yours.

I can tell you what I wish I had done, not what I did.

I believe you are taken for granted (common) and are un appreciated. 

Move out if possible, support your wife and children whatever way they need. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The "taken for granted" situation will evaporate. A shock / significant change in your dynamic will either make or break.

I dont know you or your partner. I am reflecting on my own circumstance.

I hope things improve for you

[Apt123]

Hi there,

I discovered this post via Google today. I was thinking how helpful it would be to have something like this, especially at the dark times, so as not to burden friends and family, and when it takes 2 week to get an appointment with my shrink. And here it is.

I have been with my wife for 6 years, (my second marriage - I was verbally abusive, and became the victim when she left me). My wife is a good person, high moral standards, responsible job, trust worthy, strong and intelligent. I enjoy a good relations with her family.

This fortnight has been challenging, something about Sunday nights after a good weekend. She blew up at me - selfish, stupid, uncaring, serial offender, insensitive - I was cooking the Sunday roast, and had invited my 2 20yo kids without consultation. Yes, it should have been discussed - but she was out town, and I was home doing chores and it got missed. I fall straight into the trap of self defence, which escalates things. And then I lapse into withdrawal, feel like I a have high a fever - although this is seen as passive aggressiveness. I'm pretty sure it's not, I'd latch onto any bridge that comes my way, and my bridging attempts are rejected as blaming her. If I get angry she becomes the victim, and now we're talking hotels, and divorce. But keeping my cool and not to reacting, is only shortening the eposides of hostility , and not affecting their frequency. Although I have no measures.

So I'm listening to the Fifth Agreement, The Power of Now , attended Mindfulness workshop, exercise , meet with a good shrink.

So thankyou DJAJP for your post. It tentatively ask, how are things a year later?