Any advice? My husband has depression and anxiety.

Pinkcandyfloss · ‎14-09-2016

Hi everyone this is my first time posting, I am hoping this may be a good place for advice and maybe a chance for me to vent as well

My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teenager. He only takes half a tablet but this hasn't been reviewed for many years. I suggested it may be a good idea to check dosage but he gets defensive. I just wanted to help. I don't ask for much help because I know that he gets overwhelmed very easily but I have asked him to start spending more time with the kids to bond. I feel like he really distances himself from us sometimes and also has an alcohol problem, just wants to be on his phone or computer and drink to relax after work and always says how overwhelmed he feels. He recently found out that his liver isn't functioning properly so he started to cut back in the last few weeks. Last week he was fantastic! We were laughing, playful and I felt like things were finally getting better, then the weekend hit and this week has been a total 180! he is completely uninterested in any physical contact (including sex although this has been a problem for a while) and there is a total emotional disconnect. If I bring up how I am feeling about something he gets defensive. I try to give him space but after 8 years I kind of want some of my needs met too as selfish as that sounds. The kids and I are going away so he will have the whole week to himself next week which I Thought would be good for him, he said it sucks and he will miss us. I am so confused and feel totally rejected at the moment. I feel incredibly blessed with the life we have but he's always looking at the future and what we don't have yet and turns it negative. I can't talk to him about any problems anymore because I am walking on egg shells. If I mention anything about him drinking he will get angry and can say hurtful words. It's always turned back on me and I am blamed which always has me questioning what am I doing wrong? He has admitted to me that he only says them because he knows that's where it hurts the most. One minute he is the fun playful caring man I first met then the next I'm being completely ignored or blamed for something. I know he loves us, just want him to be happy.

Sorry for for the large novel. I was just hoping to maybe hear from anyone in a similar boat with advice to help me help him. Or maybe somehow try to understand more about what he is feeling so I am able to support him without building any resentment.

Thanks xxx

Cornstarch · ‎14-09-2016

Gosh that’s really tough. Your poor husband is in a lot of pain. You sound in a similar situation to someone I used to be friends with. I am a divisive character to some. Some people get defensive when I ‘back the other side’ of mental health, like it is some sort of betrayal to the tribe, but I’ve lived both sides so your husband would probably get defensive with me too. That's Ok, he's just not himself right now.

There's something in the human psyche that despises being out of control. And lets face it for whatever reason he is not in control right now. The vicious loop for him is:

1. sensing he is not in control. Just because he's depressed doesn't mean he's silly. He knows.

2. realising that other people notice when he is not in control, and therefore goes into shame or shut-down.

3. and then taking it out on others because not being in control has occurred in front of an audience and that feels really crappy.

4. Vicious loop.

5. Repeat.

Emotions have some sort of organic unfolding that seems to be hard wired into us especially when it comes to relating, bonding and intimacy. Maybe there's an evolutionary psychologist reading this that can provide some insight, but basically what I mean is "ya get em even if ya don't wanna". His children will be feeling "resentment feelings" if they care to recognise it or not, so they're no different to you. Try not personalise the impersonal, you're doing amazing.

Un-met needs are unsustainable over long periods time. Period. The problem is though people fall in love. It happens. A hell of a lot to Julia Roberts. How do you un-love someone? I don't know. I suppose that's what you're struggling with. Love vs Un-met needs. It will get lonely if it persists.

What stands out to me in this post is that he is not receiving enough relief from his current treatment plan whatever that entails. Chemical, therapy etc etc. What is so difficult in these situations when a treatment regime isn't working and the person is also trapped in the "out of control/shame or shut down/defensive, I hate you all for noticing that I am out of control", is breaking the loop.

More shame will fail. But there are other people suffering too, yourself and the kids. I'm worried about the kids.

Without knowing his background and what 'feeds' the depression, plain biology or extra stuff it's hard to give good advice with such little info. Has he ever had any traumatic experiences?

Pinkcandyfloss · ‎16-09-2016

Wow thanks for your wonderful response. I would love to know what triggers it. Maybe the anxiety plays a part alongside his job? He has a fairly stressful sales role and he puts 110% into his job. I have suggested a career change but he is also the type that likes to have nice things. It's not just this job though, it's been every job that I've known of. There is a few people in his family with anxiety and depression so I'm thinking it's probably in his biology as well. As far as I know there hasn't been any traumatic experiences. He always says his childhood was a lot of fun, his parents are still married etc. they were extremely religious (he is not) and I know that he did feel outcasted, not sure if that has maybe had more of an impact than he lets on. I would think stress is a big part of his triggers. All of those are complete assumptions though as he won't talk about it. Communication would help soooooooo much and if not me, talk to someone although he doesn't have any friends. I already feel very lonely a lot of the time. I left him once about 6 years ago because I genuinely thought he didn't love me anymore and that I should just move on. He was devostated and begged for me back so of course I came back, I love him. Would be great to be able to talk openly and honestly about it but not sure how to without making him angry. Our kids are young so I'm not sure how it is affecting them yet, but I worry about them too.

blondguy · ‎16-09-2016

Hello Pink

Im sorry I have come in late....I just read Cornstarch's great advice so I wont repeat it...Just some background for you out of respect...I have been on antidepressants since 1996 and its one of the best decisions I have made

Im sorry that you husband is being defensive when you are only trying to help...Medication review can be done as you know by his GP....My dosage is monitored by my crackerjack GP every month who I also see for a 'tune up'

Its sad that you feel so isolated....and I dont blame you...you are trying to lovingly help someone that refuses to help themselves with your input/suggestions.

Can I ask if your husband would go with you to his doctors/counselor for a visit?

As you mentioned too Pink....the kids are the primary consideration.....

You are a smart and articulate person Pink....especially for having the courage to post. I have had acute anxiety and then depression. For you to say you and your children are having a break is not selfish in any way. I hope you can take the break with your kids. You and your children deserve to have the break. I feel this would be a huge plus

As a sufferer of depression....It would be crucial now for you and your kids to 'vacate'. I really do feel for them (and yourself of course) as kids are like sponges...they will absorb everything in their environment..good or bad

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you Pink. It would be great if you could post back when you have the time of course

My kindest thoughts to you and your children 🙂

Paul

Pinkcandyfloss · ‎16-09-2016

Hey thanks for your response. Good on you for being so onto your dosage and making your regular doctors appointments! Do you find you feel much differently if you don't have regular visits? No he won't come with me to his doctor. If I mention making an appointment he gets defensive and doesn't want to talk. I feel like he is in denial about it. Even though he is more than happy to take the pill everyday he doesn't want to acknowledge any more than that. The trip wasn't oringinally booked as a break from him although it has certainly come at a good time. I am really hoping it is a positive thing for him to have some space but I am also afraid that it will be pushing me in the opposite direction. The more space I give him the more resentment I feel. I no longer mention my feelings to him as it isn't productive which is why I have turned to this forum. I am not sleeping much at the moment, my head is racing from hurt and rejection.

Cornstarch · ‎16-09-2016

Thank god he hasn't had any trauma, I'm stoked for him.

I don't want to live in world where everyone has. Yuck.

My family was really religious too. I am the black sheep through and through.

Lack of sleep is the pits isn't it? I had a shocker last night and my beautiful Mum did too. She called me early this morning saying she had a panic attack, it broke my heart. I have PTSD and my flashbacks were just terrible.

You don't have to have a sad story to drink, that is a fallacy. Maybe his triggers are nothing more than not wanting to feel depressed. The occasional times I have were horrendous. The longest it ever lasted was a day and half and that was enough for me so he's doing amazingly well to be working. God my Mum can't work.

What concerns me about your second post is "he doesn't have any friends". My Mum doesn't have any friends either.

It's so sad for him. But for you.......talk about pressure! You have to be his everything. As warm and fuzzy as that is in theory and romantic according to our mate Julia Roberts, the truth is over a long period of time that is exhausting. His world has shrunk and so has yours. That's what acute mental illness does. I hate it. I bet he has so much to give and would be a great friend to a lot of people if it wasn't for these dreadful conditions we so desperately need a scientific miracle for.

Let me be honest.

Because of my own childhood abuse I probably cannot offer you a balanced opinion on putting you down and making you feel lousy about yourself.

I know you probably don't want to read that, but when I read it.........I felt sick.

Sorry.

Abuse, whatever it's source is just too close to home for me.

You are worthy of more.

Short term......you could ride this out.

Long term...........Hmmmmmmmm

LaughAway · ‎16-09-2016

Hi there,

I'll keep my advice brief, and hope that you can benefit from it.

Your husband obviously enjoys his job - that's a plus! Doing something you love, having a role in society, will make him feel useful. So that's no issue.

So let's focus on a solution to the times when he's down:

-Laughter. This is something you, the kids and everyone can contribute to. Make him laugh. Laughter is magical - it usually makes people a lot more capable to see things from a positive lens. How to make him laugh? Whether it's a funny TV show, funny videos on facebook/instagram, inside jokes, etc. Laughter is contagious. If you and the kids are laughing, he will have to laugh. Just make the kids laugh, and watch him laugh. You could also ask one of his friends about this favourite jokes.. Point is, allocate time everyday for some pure laughter that will come out from the heart. It's healthy to laugh - for the whole family.

Try to make him laugh, and thus get into a good funny mood, before he starts drinking. Drinking is a depressant, and it is not great for people with depression. So before he turns to the drink, have a plan for some laughter. Take him out to a comedy movie after work, etc.

- Manage expectations. Firstly, he should understand to expect less, hope for best, from everything in life, because only this way, he will be happy whatever happens. If you know someone who has great influence on him, maybe his brother, friend, manager at work, etc. that'll be someone that can talk to your husband about expectations. On the other hand, you can always set his expectations low, and exceed them, and avoid the opposite (avoid him having high expectations then disappointment). If he's going home to expect a casual dinner, surprise him with a candle-lit dinner (if he likes it). If he's expecting you to buy him a gift when you come back from holiday, call him and tell him you couldn't find anything for him, then surprise him with a lovely gift he would love as you enter home!

Watch out for patterns. If he gets used to going home on Monday nights and laugh with you and the kids, but then is disappointed to find you and the kids are out for the circus show, this is the opposite. Ensure that he is aware that you and the kids are going out - so the expectations are set beforehand.

Some love, lots of eye contact, some hugs and some cool unexpected moves at night work amazingly well!

Wish you all the best.

LaughAway (your worries, your issues, LaughAway and Be Happy!)

Mclamber · ‎17-09-2016

Hi Pink,

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My partner is retired now and not on medication as he refuses to get any help. The kids and I tip toe around so we don't make him upset.

I thought getting onto these forums would be helpful for me, but instead I see stories like yours and mine repeated all over these pages. While I know that we should support those with depression and try to follow all the advice given on these websites, that selfish part of me also wonders whether one person is slowly destroying 3 other lives. If he isn't prepared to change or get help why do the rest of us have to suffer?

i can't imagine leaving my partner, he is intelligent, fun, handsome and kind. But he is also frustrated, angry, cruel, and selfish. I feel like his depression and anxiety is slowly infecting everyone in the family and I also don't know what to do.

Cornstarch · ‎17-09-2016

I find it fascinating that you would describe the needs and emotional safety of yourself and two children as "selfish". To me that says he has been chipping away at your confidence bit by bit, and it has worked to such a degree that you are unable to see that that is unacceptable, no matter how handsome and intelligent he is.

While I know that we should support those with depression and try to follow all the advice given on these websites, that selfish part of me also wonders whether one person is slowly destroying 3 other lives.

I hope he has enough self awareness and compassion to see that hurt and harm is being caused. Or at leasts reaches out to trained health professionals to help in realise. This cannot continue long term. Everyone's mental health is important no matter how charming he is.

blondguy · ‎17-09-2016

Hey Pink

Thankyou for the mega compliment....always appreciated 🙂

Th regular treatment is a bonus....I spent 6 years being a 'hero' and thinking I could get over 'it' by being macho....Boy..was I wrong...

The regular visits broke down the walls of denial that I had with my depression/anxiety....I was ashamed to have 'it'....until I had the regular therapy.....:-)

You are a fabulous wife who cares big time. Unfortunately you cant 'fix' this. Your husband is unwilling to accept help from you so he can help himself.

To answer your question...If I didnt have regular counseling, I wouldnt have had my life back.....It takes a lot of guts (me or your husband) to commit to it but its the only way out......as well as sticking to the meds which will provide a platform on which your husband can rebuild his life/health and be a good provider/parent.

You and your children are paramount here Pink..All other considerations are secondary (as per my experience)

Sorry about the delay in posting back Pink...A virus has visited me and just wont go.....

You are not alone here. Please post back when convenient for you 🙂

(Hugs)

Paulx