Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Wife suffering through severe postnatal depression.

replies: 2

Hi, 17 months ago, my wife and I became first time parents to a beautiful little boy who brings us both continual joy. I'd like to say that the pregnancy was a journey without complications, but throughout our pregnancy and for some time after we both went through upheavals in our life that almost seem like the memory of a fading bad dream in hindsight. The prenancy physically was hell for my wife, we were living in a tent in the bush for some time while I desperately tried to build us a house on a friend's property (long story) before our son was born, we were forced to relocate interstate when she was 32 weeks, our son was born 6 weeks premature, we wound up completely broke (literally not even change for a coffee), and with a further month spent in the special care nursery once he was born we found ourselves with a very loose grip on any sense of control we had over our lives. Ok, sorry...I had to set the preceeding scene loosely, and this is still leaving many things out. Needless to say, all of these events took their toll. Add in to the mix that we live rurally in a town where we have never made any connections with others, there is family but it is now highly dysfunctional, friends have faded, we have very little support, and you have a marriage that is now on the brink of separation. My wife is suffering severely with PND. I do everything I can for her, I am willing to provide her with anything and everything she may need to get better. My sympathy and empathy is unlimited for her as I have lived with and fought serious depression for 19 of my 35 years. However, recently this compassion and willingness to do anything has taken a hit with several fights that have resulted in suicide threats that would be on my head as my presence in her life and lack of ability to get things exactly right at all times seem to be the biggest catalyst for her recurring breakdowns. She refuses help, isolates all save myself who care about her, will not accept the idea of therapy and possibly medication as a step towards better health, and is slowly breaking down my ability to remain calm and caring as she refuses to discuss anything beyond expressing how exhausted she is. This is all the tip of a large, ugly iceberg, but my word count is now almost at an end. Please, I need to know that there is hope. I am being swept up in this and due to my depression I am fighting to hold myself together in any way I can. I am failing to see a light in the dark.

Friends depression has turned into alcoholism and is about to destroy his marriage

replies: 11

Hi to all - I am new here but need some help with a dear friend. He is a very charismatic person and I am concerned that if I approach him about his problems he will push me away – and I’m the only hope he has right now. The last three years his dad (89) has become ill with symptoms like both Parkinson’s / alzheimer's. Rather than confronting the issue my friend has just gone into denial believing his dad will get better and everything will be ok. On top of this his mother has been putting pressure on him to do more for them including their shopping and even doing their weeks cooking Recently his wife came to see me saying his drinking has gone from the normal 1 bottle of scotch a week to 1.5 to 2 bottles a day. He is no longer able to be amorous with his wife, his employer has had to talk to him about his slurred speech, and his grown up kids are no longer coming around Finally, after 18 months (and I am kicking myself for not realising sooner) she has decided to move into the spare room and fully intends to divorce him in the new year. I know my friend well. If she leaves it will throw him into a deeper spiral, he will lose his job and everything else. So I am here asking how I help them both. How do I approach my friend to realise what it going on and how it has caused him to drink without him getting defensive and pushing back? How do I talk to her about reaching out for help and not to give up on him yet (though it is her right and no one could blame her)? Sorry for the length but this has been keeping me up nights.

Concerned Mum

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am a Mum to 2 grown up Men & also 1 Grandaughter who'm all suffer from different degrees of Borderline Personality Disorder.My Eldest son ( whom i have not spoken to for 5 years- His choice) accused His Dad & Myself of terrible things & made up stories of which he believed Himself , not were all fabricated ( he has been Hospitalized a couple of times in the last few years)Then our Grand daughter started self harming (she is my Eldest sons Daughter)Now my Younger Son , has been Mentally unwell & recently Hospitalized.This leads me to believe that part of the condition , must be genetic, is this so??At the moment we are trying to understand , but its all very complex.They all distance themselves & I would like to help them & so am reading up about it all,Worried Mum.

22y.o. son with social anxiety disorder?

replies: 2

I have a 22 y.o. son that has always been shy and hard to talk to who doesn't like social situations. As a teenager he got worse but we all thought it would be a phase but it is still getting worse. He has a small group of friends he stays with every weekend but as soon as they have other people over or a party he will come home, he has never had a girlfriend, he works fulltime and never drinks or does drugs. He use to be close to his grandparents and uncle but now he barely speaks to them, they say after about an hour with him he may warm up a bit but its hard work. He is always happy to come along to family gatherings but barely communicates with anyone. If anyone asks him questions he will only give a one worded answer. Sometimes he is ok but most of the time if I try have a conversation with him he is very snappy. He has a younger brother and sister who are 13 and 8. They get very upset because they think he hates them, he either doesn't acknowledge them or he snaps at them. My husband has had enough of him not speaking or interacting with the family at all and thinks he is rude but I think there is more to it. I don't think he knows how to talk to people, I think he really struggles and I want to help him. I just don't know how, I don't want to make him feel bad about himself and feel like something is wrong with him and think we don't want him around but it is affecting the rest of the family. I have suggested in the past to go and talk to someone about his shyness and he admitted it was a problem but didn't want to see someone. I feel really stuck in the middle of worrying about him and his happiness and the happiness of the rest of my family. I just don't know what to do or where to go, I don't know if it is worth me going and seeing someone to get their advice and then trying to get him involved but then that seems a bit underhanded and interfering?

Depression in my Mum

replies: 3

My Mum has bad depression. It's been going on for 20+ years. She has been in and out of mental hospitals and even been through ECT. Medications have had some effect, and ECT did what it was meant to do, but in the end it didn't effect my mum's thought patterns. It affected her mood from being sad to being not sad (i can't say happy) but my mums remains confident that "she will never get better" and she constantly complains about "a heaviness in her head / forehead". She says she doesn't sleep much, but she is sleeping at least 6 hours a night. Every time we try to suggest something, she either doesn't do it (i even tried putting reminders on her phone), or she says that "it's not that easy" "her problem is she can't concentrate so its worthless doing it now" and "we don't understand because we don't have the problem". I need some help / advice because i seriously have no idea what to do. Tomorrow, she is going back to another mental hospital after all those ECT scans a few months ago at a different hospital. I feel like, my dad tries hard to help, but they both rely too much on medication, and dad gave up telling mum things she can do because she says she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it. After 20 years of this problem, my mum thinks that no doctors can help her and no doctor really understands her. I feel like, i shouldn't get involved because its between my mum and my dad, but at the same time its tearing my family apart and i'm sick of all of this. I am not depressed myself, but i regret that i almost feel like just abandoning my parents to deal with it themselves mostly because i have nothing worthwhile i know how to contribute to make it all better. My father, now 53, is also suffering because he wants to enjoy life, yet my mother doesn't enjoy and doesn't want to do anything. We need to bring her back from this.

Ways to some you love regain a better sleeping pattern

replies: 4

Hi, I am hoping someone out there has some good suggestion out there for helping people to regain better sleep patterns. The last few months have been very busy after i found my husband unconscious in the shower after a long period of time. This led to an episode and impacts on his well being. He is now a lot better, but still has weird ass patterns of sleep which then in turn affects my sleep and this then put my well being open to melt downs and irrational thoughts. I do look after myself but i feel i am still on edge after the events that have happen in the past months. Better sleep could help us both without the add of drugs. I do have something from the doctor for myself but love to gain some knowledge to help myself and husband to relax so we could sleep better. Looking forward to some feedback on this topic. Gen

Mum near breaking point

replies: 9

hello, My family and I need some help and advice about my mum. Quick background: diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec, mastectomy, then started chemo. 3 more treatments left then weeks of radiation. her diagnosis is good and she will beat this cancer but her mindset is totally negative and she is struggling with severe anxiety, We are finding it difficult as she is going to survive and has lots to be grateful for but she just cant seem to pull herself out of it. she now wont leave the house and needs someone with her constantly. everything she says is negative and she cant and wont do much to help it. weve offered so many suggestions but she cant take them on and implement them. we just don't know where to go next.... please help...

Do you stay or go when living with a spouse who has bipolar

replies: 5

As it turns out my husband has had undiagnosed bipolar for quite sometime and eventually hit rock bottom on Friday threatening to commit suicide unless I came and got him. I ended up calling the cat team but because he was in a park they wouldnt attend. I ended up organising a taxi to take him to his GP so that they could prescribe him with anti-depressants. He is not the man I married and it is so distressing seeing how he has become a shell of himself. I have two primary school kids and I just don't know what to do. The struggle I've gone through to get him to recognise how he behaves means he's sick and he really needs help. I've asked him to stay away until he's stable. We're meant to be going on our first overseas family holiday in 10 days. I haven't had the heart to tell my kids he won't be coming. I've had years of this up and down, crying, hitting himself, nights of no sleep/eating and then going to work for 15 hours at a time. I'm so exhausted by it all and it affects me deeply to the point I'm now having panic attacks. My mum wants me to leave him and thinks our marriage is over. I don't hate him, I just want him to be stable and calm so we can live with him. But what if this is how he is ongoing? Should I put my kids and I through this just to "prove" my love for him. I have no idea what to do. Am I a "bad" wife for leaving him and prioritising my children ahead of him? Is he safe to be around my kids alone if I do leave him? What do you do??

Worried Wife

replies: 2

For the last three years (G) my husband, now aged 66, seems to have been suffering from panic attacks. We went through a rough and stressful time financially in a business, had to sell our home etc . We are now a lot more settled and sorted with another home and now retired but I have seen him age and go downhill dramatically. It began with pain in all his joints, rheumatologist tested for everything but all he came up with was possibly gout. (G) has taken gout medication for years and also suffers from high blood pressure and lately reflux which can all be put down to the natural aging process. He keeps thinking there is something physically wrong with him because he doesn't feel well. He did have to have venesections (blood taken to reduce high ferritin/iron levels) twice. That is stable at the moment, doctor is monitoring it. Ecg's etc are all fine.Suddenly out of the blue, probably a few times a week, he has a "spin out" where he gets dizzy, feels like he can't breathe properly, sometimes chest pain, heart racing, blood pressure gets high, feels weak and sweats and shakes. Often a pain is A pain can be involved somewhere but often seems to be in a different spot. Sometimes he complains of "thumping" in his ears to the rhythm of his heartbeat or ringing in his ears, blocked ears and foggy head. Lying down is the only option.This often happens when I am away from home helping our daughter with her kids as she has her own small business. This is so upsetting and I feel so torn between helping her and being there for him. We talk a lot on the phone when I am away. Talking does seem to calm him.Doctor has him on medication daily. He seems to control the medication okay and only takes the other half if absolutely necessary.This all seems to be at a stalemate. Doctor keeps telling him he is healthy, that he must understand he can't do what he once found easy and he accepts that. These attacks are so random. Please, is there anything else can we do???????

Help for teenage sister with anxiety & depression living in unstable home environment

replies: 1

My sister (17) & I (20) have grown up in a very distressing home environment our mother is an emotional abusive alcoholic with severe issues & our father is constantly high, having fallen into a pattern of blindly following my mother so as to avoid her abusive tirades against him his blindness is so extreme that both my sister & I have experienced physical abuse at the hands of my father at the request of my mother Growing up my sister and I were embarrassed about our family issues and hid it from everyone We would have horrible abusive fights before walking into friends houses or school & then pretend like everything was fine When I was 18, I finished high school & moved out of home freeing myself. I left my sister behind (14) As a result she began to develop anxiety, refusing to get out of bed in the morning or go to school. The abuse from my parents intensified & to everyone else it looked as though my sister was being as my parents put it "a brat" For 2 years my sister struggled she received some respite when she was placed into boarding school (16) but this made my parents feel like they were loosing control over her & abuse intensified. This year my sister had her first suicide attempt, this caused a lot of family issues to come to light & for the first time my sister & I got acknowledgement for the abuse we suffered The problem we face now is that since being released from hospital the only place she has to go is back with is my parents, I live in a share house & have had her live there before but it did not work. We have tried to talk to her psychiatrist however he wants to see that she can maintain a stable living situation & says he is trying to help our parents with their issues As someone who experienced the abuse first hand & has to listen to her cry at 3am after a tough night, I know she needs to get out of there. Unfortunately we have no family. None, no uncles no aunties a few family friends but our mother is so unstable she would make things extremely difficult for someone trying to help us. She has in the past shown up at friends houses and yelled at them, making out that we were both spoilt brats etc Does anyone know of anyway that my sister can get some kind of financial support to find a permanent living situation close to me that works for her? Or any charities that provide support? I wish I could support her financially but I'm a full time student barely making ends meet myself. we're both starting to feel hopeless.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Wife suffering through severe postnatal depression. replies: 2

Friends depression has turned into alcoholism and is about to destroy his marriage replies: 11

Concerned Mum replies: 2

22y.o. son with social anxiety disorder? replies: 2

Depression in my Mum replies: 3

Ways to some you love regain a better sleeping pattern replies: 4

Mum near breaking point replies: 9

Do you stay or go when living with a spouse who has bipolar replies: 5

Worried Wife replies: 2

Help for teenage sister with anxiety & depression living in unstable home environment replies: 1